


the chrysanthemum looking glass

by izayas



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Childhood Friends, Edo Period, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, prince oikawa and guard iwa!!, the iwaoi historical au i never thought i would have the patience to do
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:15:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 75,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27054028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izayas/pseuds/izayas
Summary: “in a life where everything has been decided for us, i choose you to be mine, as you choose me to be yours.”the story of a prince and his guard.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, background matsuhana
Comments: 168
Kudos: 295





	1. the chrysanthemum

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to [loveandallthat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveandallthat) for always being so speedy and efficient ♡
> 
> set in the edo period and i have done as much research as i can while taking certain liberties, but, of course, there will be some historical inaccuracies. i apologize in advance for them. 
> 
> lots of characters make an appearance, but the tagged are the most prominent. graphic depiction of violence tag is to be safe; it's one scene that's much later on, and i'll add another note in that chapter as a warning.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they didn't have to, nobody had told them to, they made the choice over and over again, day after day to meet up.

"Denka—"

Oikawa grimaced. "Iwaizumi-san… nobody can hear us. _Please_ stop calling me that."

"…"

"…"

Iwaizumi inhaled.

"…Denka—"

Oikawa sighed but didn't press the matter further, instead casting his gaze in the direction Iwaizumi had nodded, seeing a dango stand. His expression brightened immediately as he stopped walking and tried to ignore the gaggle of guards that also immediately came to an abrupt halt. When he and Iwaizumi had exited the palace that morning, he was disdained to find them waiting, like the three pets he certainly never asked to have. They stood in a perfectly straight line waiting for him by the entrance; Oikawa openly made a face and Iwaizumi shook his head when he asked if he knew they'd be waiting. Iwaizumi's lips were level, but he could see a smirk twinkling in his eyes at Oikawa's obvious annoyance.

_"I wasn't explicitly told, denka, but it also isn't a surprise to see them."_

He was second-in-line, Oikawa tried to reason with them as they crossed the length of the walkway from the palace entrance to the gates, and not only was it a remarkably peaceful period in history, he was _second-in-line_ , it was highly unlikely that assassins would go after _him_ first. He'd said it as a bit of a joke and immediately regretted it, once he saw how all three of them stiffened.

Beside him, Iwaizumi, his personal guard, just sighed. In contrast to the way their shoulders were pulled straight and expressions steely, Iwaizumi was more relaxed. He held his hands behind his back and it was only when they were in the presence of others that he straightened fully, though his expression was still nonchalant as he quietly conversed with Oikawa.

Oikawa glanced over his shoulder, narrowed his eyes to see the three of them try to take a few steps forward. "You needn't be so close," he called and they flinched, immediately stumbling backwards. The other patrons of the marketplace gave vague expressions of annoyance until they saw that the three of them were samurai and anyone who still seemed irate quickly lost the expression when they caught sight of Oikawa. "One guard is already more than enough," he added airily.

"Thank you for your kind words, denka," Iwaizumi stated flatly. Oikawa flicked his gaze to meet him, saw the hint of a glare in his dark eyes.

"You're welcome, Iwaizumi-san," Oikawa bantered. "They really can't take a joke," he mumbled in a lower voice, head tilting as he examined the dango. "I just wanted to take a nice walk through the marketplace with Iwaizumi-san and yet here they are… Daichi-san, Matsukawa-san, and Kindaichi-san, crashing our date."

Iwaizumi sighed exasperatedly. "…Please don't call it that."

"Is it because it makes you uncomfortable or because you're being shy?" Oikawa teased with a smile, looking back to Iwaizumi. "I'll stop if it's the former, but not if it's the latter."

"The former is a direct result of the latter."

Oikawa laughed airily, then dropped his voice into something barely above a murmur, forcing Iwaizumi to have to step close to him. He was close enough that their shoulders brushed and being in such close proximity left Oikawa's vision spinning and blood pounding. To anyone else, it would have seemed that the prince just had something private to tell his guard when in reality, he just wanted to flirt with Iwaizumi. "Fine, let me rephrase: are you uncomfortable because you don't reciprocate how I feel or because you do and won't admit it?"

Oikawa finished his question with a sly smirk that only widened when Iwaizumi's breath hitched. Oikawa's expression quickly slipped into an easy, pleasant smile; he apologized and promised to stop as Iwaizumi took a smaller step back than the one he'd taken to approach. Iwaizumi didn't answer him, but Oikawa feigned a cough to hide his smile at seeing a faint curve moving Iwaizumi's lips. "Denka," Iwaizumi murmured in a low voice.

"Iwaizumi-san," Oikawa answered easily, quietly, smoothly.

Oikawa had never made it a point to try and conceal how he felt; that would be too much of himself to constantly repress, but he was careful to ensure that Iwaizumi wasn't made uncomfortable by his teasing. He was second-in-line to inherit the Chrysanthemum Throne; while Oikawa wasn't the crown prince, that didn't change the fact that he was in a position where almost everyone revered him, despite how he wished they'd either treat him normally or leave him alone entirely. He didn't want Iwaizumi to act a certain way just because of his status; he wanted Iwaizumi to genuinely be comfortable around him. Almost everyone saw Oikawa as Prince Oikawa Tooru first and foremost, but Oikawa had never thought of himself such, hated that almost everyone perceived him one way while he regarded himself only as Oikawa Tooru.

The only other person to not entirely see him as his title was Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi had been his first friend. His father served as part of the Guard to the current Emperor and with the hierarchical nature of their society, it was only expected that his son would follow suit. Oikawa knew that Iwaizumi's father had passed away when he was young, but he'd never pressed for more details, knowing only that it had been after they met.

When they were around five years old, Oikawa remembered playing with Iwaizumi, the two of them managing to find each other almost every day for several months before their individual lessons to prepare them for their predetermined roles in life began. They would play in the various gardens and courtyards in the palace and run through the hallways chasing each other (or away from the guards trying to catch Oikawa); these memories spanned just some months, but Oikawa cherished every single one because they were some of the only times somebody treated him like he was an ordinary person.

"Would you like one?" Oikawa asked in a normal voice without taking his eyes off of the colorful display. "You like sweets, right?"

"…That's very kind of you to offer, denka," Iwaizumi said after a moment and Oikawa's lips twitched, wondered why Iwaizumi couldn't just say _yes_. If they were in private, Iwaizumi might even just grunt, depending how tired he was, but when in the presence of others, grumpy Iwaizumi could be so polite that Oikawa couldn't believe he was the same person.

"Excuse me," he called and the merchant hurried over, bowing deeply. Oikawa smiled and procured a few coins, set them onto the small tray. "Five skewers of mitarashi dango, please."

"Yes, denka. Of course."

Oikawa gave another practiced smile and stepped back, holding his hands behind his back as he looked around the marketplace, shook his head when Iwaizumi asked if he was looking for anything in particular. The palace was generally peaceful, smelling mainly of incense or flowers. The marketplace was different; Oikawa was the only member of the imperial family to make regular trips, despite the gentle disapproval of many. He loved the vibrancy and the chaos of people hurrying about, the sounds of chatter and yelling, the myriad of smells. It was such a stark contrast and Oikawa loved that people's eyes weren't always on him, at least not immediately. "I'm just looking around, Iwaizumi-san. It's a nice day, isn't it?"

"Of course, denka."

Oikawa didn't want to sound ungrateful because he knew that being born into the imperial family was one of the highest blessings, but he _hated_ it. As a child, he'd been enamored with the Throne; he was absolutely enthralled with the legends, the tales, the rituals, the ceremonies, the reverence. He found it so mystifying and magical and was so elated to be a part of it; he'd pore over the art and books, spend hours staring at the depictions, wonder if his name would be left in history like that.

But over time, as he learned more about the Throne, the novelty wore off. The rituals and ceremonies were beautiful and stirred his heart, but, Oikawa wondered, was that it? The true power rested in the hands of the shogun and despite the show of the Emperor being the leader of the nation, it was just that: a show.

It didn't take long for Oikawa to become disillusioned, once he realized that beneath the theatrics and the elaborate rituals, there was very little of substance. He held respect for the Throne and the court, still, but the idea that this was his only path in life left him cynical. He absolutely hated being born into a role he had no choice over, living a life that was entirely laid out with no chance to break free from, felt like every avenue and possibility had already been decided for him.

He wondered if this was really it for his entire life, how the art and books he spent his childhood glamorizing had never included this feeling of hopelessness.

Despite the respect the Throne commanded, in actuality, it had very little political power. Nobody dared to say it, but Oikawa had figured it out between the sentences of his texts and the words of his teachers; nothing he did would directly affect the people or their livelihoods, he had no opportunities to make a real, significant change. Nothing he did would matter; he hated that he was destined to be weak and powerless for his entire life because in this society, the position one was born into was the one they would die in. And despite that, there was an unbelievable amount of pressure that just came with his title; he had a very specific, certain image to uphold for everyone. He felt like he wasn't allowed to say what he really thought or express what he really thought because that wasn't _princely_ or upholding of the Throne's reputation. Oikawa felt like everyone saw only a hollow version of himself and felt that the longer he acted that way, the truer it would become.

He _hated_ it.

He was constantly surrounded by people, but none of his relationships felt genuine, not even with his family; just because they were related by blood, didn't mean they were close. Oikawa had two siblings, an older brother and younger sister, but his brother had always been doing something or another to prepare to follow in their father's footsteps and his sister had married the shogun's son and was living in Edo. Oikawa also had never felt much of an inclination to talk to them; they didn't share many similarities because while Oikawa felt more and more distant to the life they'd been born into, they had seemed to accept it wholeheartedly. He was closest to his mother, but even so, he'd never been able to tell her how he really felt. His mother was kind, but she was still ultimately the empress until her untimely death and despite their relationship, Oikawa saw both his parents are the emperor and empress, first and foremost.

Oikawa was always in the company of guards and maids and advisors, but they were there only because of the life _they_ were born into. Only one person had ever made the conscious choice to be with him and Oikawa would never forget when twenty years ago he heard the sliding door open, looked up to see then five-year-old Iwaizumi stare at him, and ask, _"Hi. Do you wanna play with me?"_

They were five years old and all Iwaizumi had done was ask to play with him, but that short request cemented him in Oikawa's heart as the fresh pocket of air in a seemingly endlessly deep ocean cavern. Iwaizumi had chosen to play with him, just as much as Oikawa had chosen to play with him; they didn't have to, nobody had told them to, they made the choice over and over again, day after day to meet up. He was his first and only friend and when they were that young, they didn't understand that one was a prince and one was a guard's son; they didn't understand what a difference in social classes really meant, they just knew they both liked to chase each other and try to catch frogs in the well-maintained pond in the courtyard.

They'd played less and less until they stopped entirely, because the guards were getting better at finding Oikawa and lessons were slowly taking over his days. Oikawa knew only Iwaizumi's name and as a future member of the Guard, it was natural for him to catch glimpses of him every now and then. There would be times where he'd catch Iwaizumi's eye, but it was rare and Oikawa hated that it seemed as though Iwaizumi now treated him the way everyone else did. He tried to push it out of his mind and instead focus on the memories they'd made before the rules of their society were deeply ingrained in them.

Years passed and they didn't speak to each other; they had no reason to. Iwaizumi was his age and still training, whereas Oikawa had a plethora of guards, all much more experienced and having already proven their loyalty to the Throne. Days passed, then months, then years of silence and though Oikawa forever held their childhood memories close to his heart, he never tried to reach out to Iwaizumi again, and Iwaizumi certainly had no reason to try and do the same.

A part of it had been fear. As long as he never confirmed it, Oikawa could continue to think that it was because they'd grown apart, and the one pure relationship he had wasn't tainted and skewed because of the unspoken but unwavering rules of their society. He could think that Iwaizumi still saw him as Oikawa Tooru, and not Prince Oikawa and that, if given the chance, he would choose to spend time with him instead of being obligated to.

Then one night, Oikawa had been on his way back to his room after losing track of time in the library when he caught sight of Iwaizumi. The door to one of the courtyards they used to frequent was open; he could tell it was Iwaizumi by his back alone and as he quietly approached, he realized that he was crying, saw his shaking shoulders before hearing the stifled sobs. He didn't know what had happened and suddenly, all the reservations he had about what Iwaizumi's current perception of him were pushed aside the way he opened the door.

_"Iwaizumi-san?"_

_Oikawa's voice was quiet and smooth, easily blended with the cicadas and crickets, but the way Iwaizumi jumped ruined the perfect nighttime harmony. He scrambled to his feet and bowed deeply, wiping at his eyes with an arm hurriedly. "D-denka," he stammered. "I apologize, I hadn't realized you were there."_

_"Please, you don't need to call me that," Oikawa said, shaking his head. Iwaizumi straightened, but he kept his eyes downcast and Oikawa studied him carefully. "Are you all right?"_

_"Y-yes, denka," Iwaizumi answered, but he paused to sniffle and Oikawa's frown deepened. Iwaizumi took a deep, shaking breath. "I'm very sorry to have disturbed—"_

_"Don't be ridiculous," Oikawa interrupted gently. He stepped forward, murmured 'please look at me' and waited until Iwaizumi lifted his chin to offer a smile. Oikawa held out the book he had planned to reread that night, along with some mochi he had been saving from earlier that day. Iwaizumi stiffened and Oikawa's smile widened. "It's not much, but I hope these will make your night better, Iwaizumi-san. Whatever has happened, I hope you will be all right and if I can do anything to help, please let me know."_

_The clouds moved, gave way for the moon's light to cast a glow that illuminated the beginnings of a blush staining Iwaizumi's cheeks. Oikawa couldn't help but smile at his reaction. Iwaizumi had always been quick to frustrated but quicker to fluster as a child and Oikawa wondered if that was still the case now. "Denka, th-this is very kind of you, but you don't need to. I'm fine—"_

_"Please," Oikawa said again, tilting his head. "…What kind of a prince would I be if I saw someone I cared about crying and did nothing?"_

In that moment, as soon as he saw someone precious to him crying, Oikawa completely forgot that he was a prince, that Iwaizumi wasn't, that he was afraid to find out if Iwaizumi also no longer saw him as Oikawa Tooru. His only concern in that moment was to ask if he was all right and do what he could to make him smile; even though Iwaizumi had been formal, addressed him as _denka_ and bowed, Oikawa saw something flickering in his eyes that made him think that even if Iwaizumi saw him as Prince Oikawa now, he'd still recognized him as Oikawa Tooru.

Not even a full year after Oikawa's mother passed away, Oikawa requested for Iwaizumi to replace his current guard.

He had been met with hesitant opposition—because nobody _really_ wanted to question the prince—and concerns that Iwaizumi hadn't finished his training yet, that he was Oikawa's age, wouldn't he want someone more experienced? Oikawa had shaken his head, said that he'd like for Iwaizumi Hajime to be his personal guard, coolly asked if there was a reason he was being questioned so extensively for his choice.

Oikawa hadn't even been eighteen, but several men more than double his age jolted at his glare and quiet words.

The next day, there'd been a knock at his door while the maids helped him get dressed—he still didn't quite have all the layers of his robes figured out yet—and when Oikawa had one of them answer, Iwaizumi had been standing there and Oikawa smiled genuinely for the first time in almost a year. Iwaizumi had stared at him, almost as if in disbelief he was standing in front of him, and given a ghost of a smile right before he bowed.

_"Denka, I'm honored to hear you asked for me."_

He'd been stiff at first, and Oikawa didn't fully blame him. The way Oikawa learned more about the Throne and his responsibilities and grew disillusioned with it, he could tell that as Iwaizumi learned about being a samurai, that code of honor had compounded on top of an already loyal personality. Even before requesting him as his guard, Oikawa would hear Iwaizumi's name murmured among some of the higher ranked guards for his promise and his devotion.

To Oikawa, though, he didn't care about potential. He cared about wholeheartedly trusting the person by his side.

_"Are you all right with this arrangement?"_

_"Yes, denka. Whatever pleases you."_

_"…That wasn't my question, Iwaizumi-san," Oikawa frowned, tilting his head. The maids had left at Oikawa's request, leaving the two of them alone in his chambers. Iwaizumi remained standing by the door, dressed in the kimono Oikawa saw members of the Guard wearing, katana resting on his hip. He kept shifting and Oikawa could only assume he wasn't quite used to his attire yet. "I'm asking if you're all right with this. I asked for you to be my guard, but if you'd rather return to your original position, I'm more than happy to let you do so."_

_Oikawa had sharp eyes, but he barely picked up on any movement aside from his mouth as Iwaizumi started to reply. Iwaizumi wore his emotions on his face, so it was incredibly obvious that he was consciously holding himself back. "Whatever pleases—"_

_"Iwaizumi-san," Oikawa interrupted, eyes hardening. Iwaizumi flinched, but otherwise remained still. "I'll say this only once. I don't want people around me who don't want to be. So, please, answer my question: are you all right with your new assignment as my guard?"_

_Iwaizumi stiffened under his glare; Oikawa felt guilty for speaking so sternly because it was painfully clear that this was Iwaizumi's first position that interacted with the imperial family and even if they had played together as kids, more than a decade had passed. But just as he was about to soften his gaze and apologize, Iwaizumi relaxed with a small smile tugging at his lips. He nodded and for just a moment, Oikawa saw the boy from his most cherished memories and he smiled in relief._

_"…Yes," Iwaizumi said quietly, expression relaxing. "I'm very happy to be here."_

Iwaizumi remained cordial for months, but Oikawa was gently persistent; he knew, he absolutely _knew_ that the person he had befriended as a young child was still there and that Iwaizumi was repressing his true personality under a multitude of layers of respect and reverence. He kept teasing him relentlessly, purposely having Iwaizumi follow him around everywhere, even asked him to his room at night under the pretense of being bored and wanting someone to play games with. Iwaizumi was so perfectly formal with him, but just when he was starting to lose hope that even he saw him only as a prince, he'd see Iwaizumi's brow knit at one of his comments or his lips twitch at something Oikawa did and then his faith would be restored.

Iwaizumi may be the embodiment of honor and respect to the Throne, but Oikawa was patient and annoying, so he was fairly sure he'd win.

Oikawa had started to think of it as a game: how to get Iwaizumi Hajime to crack and reveal his true personality and bring to light their original friendship. He was careful to not overdo it; Oikawa was very much conscious of how much power and influence he could exert, even by accident, and it was exhausting to tease Iwaizumi while making sure he wasn't abusing his authority. He hoped Iwaizumi would understand what he was trying to do and over time, Iwaizumi's eye twitches and brief scowls grew more and more commonplace, so Oikawa had a feeling he understood what he was trying to do.

He was stubborn, but Oikawa was fine with that. Iwaizumi put up much more of a fight in this game than he did in shogi and go, but Oikawa trusted that he'd get better with time. After all, Iwaizumi hadn't played either game until Oikawa taught him and by that time, he'd been playing both for the majority of two decades.

As formal as Iwaizumi was, Oikawa was very good at being annoying. He began to unearth Iwaizumi's short temper and soon, even Iwaizumi couldn't stop his face from contorting with his immediate responses at Oikawa's taunts, but he'd resume an impassive expression soon thereafter. However, as stubborn as Iwaizumi was, Oikawa was just as determined and, to be honest, he was having fun.

Then one night, he snapped.

_"We're not going to do that, Asskawa!"_

_Oikawa stared at him, mouth still open from when Iwaizumi had interrupted. He'd proposed dressing Iwaizumi up in as many robes as possible and rolling him off the roof, just as a fun experiment to see what would happen. He'd thrown out ideas like this over the past few days and had actually executed some of them (such as seeing how many robes he could dress Iwaizumi in), but hadn't been serious about this one. However, it seemed Iwaizumi didn't understand that and if Oikawa knew that threatening to roll him off a roof was all it took to finally break his character, he would have done this a long time ago._

_Iwaizumi began to stammer apologies; it took him just a few seconds to realize what he'd said and Oikawa kept staring, hardly heard the 'I apologize' and 'denka' that fell from his mouth over and over. His eyes had grown so wide; he looked absolutely terrified and if Oikawa didn't find this so amusing, he would have felt bad. Oikawa inhaled and his lips twitched; Iwaizumi stopped talking immediately and Oikawa filled the silence with laughter, shaking so hard that he had doubled over._

_"I-I'm sorry, Iwa-chan, that was too funny… I kept waiting for you to slip up, but 'Asskawa', really?" Oikawa sniffed and dabbed at his eyes with the sleeve of his robe, shaking his head and still grinning. "That was great, thank you for the good laugh. I haven't laughed like that in so long. Asskawa… I can't believe it… imagine if Mizogushi-san were here to hear that..."_

_"Denka—"_

_"Please don't call me that when we're in private," Oikawa shook his head with the same smile. "Please, call me Oikawa or Tooru. I understand that when in public we all have an image we have to uphold, but not when it's just us. When you push me into a pond multiple times, you earn the right to call me by name."_

_Iwaizumi's breath hitched. Oikawa hated continuously smiling; it made his face ache, but with Iwaizumi, the curve lifting his lips felt so natural that he didn't even realize how long he was wearing the expression. "…You remember that?" he asked and Oikawa tilted his head with amusement. Iwaizumi cleared his throat and fidgeted, dropping his gaze. "I thought for sure you'd forgotten…"_

_"Of course I remember," Oikawa answered easily. "They're some of my fondest memories… that's why I requested you as my guard. We were such good friends and I wanted that person back at my side."_

_He feigned a pout. "I can't believe you thought I forgot."_

_Iwaizumi stiffened. "I-I'm sorry, I just… things are different now, I didn't want to assume…"_

_"No, I understand," Oikawa shook his head. He pushed off of the table he'd been leaning against and approached Iwaizumi. "With how our society is, I don't mind if you act how you have been when we're around other people, but when we're alone, please don't feel like you have to act that way."_

_His gaze softened. "You've always been my only friend, Iwa-chan. Please always know that I see you as that before my guard."_

_Oikawa could see the hesitation in Iwaizumi's expression. He held his gaze for just a moment longer, but when he ultimately gave a nod, Oikawa felt his heart lift, grinned as Iwaizumi cleared his throat. His entire posture relaxed and Oikawa felt like it was easier to breathe; his own back had started to hurt just from seeing how Iwaizumi was always standing impossibly straight. "…All right, Oikawa-"_

_Oikawa brightened._

_"-sama."_

_Oikawa blinked._

_"…All right, well, I suppose it's a start."_

In public, Iwaizumi was _Iwaizumi-san_ but in private, he was _Iwa-chan._ It took almost a year for Oikawa to get Iwaizumi to call him just _Oikawa_ when they were in private, though that was still rare and more often than not, he would still call him _Oikawa-sama_. Oikawa couldn't blame him; even though their friendship slowly strengthened, it was still hard to forget their places because even if Iwaizumi was a samurai, Oikawa was entirely too cognizant of his imperial status.

He'd long ago accepted that he was the only one to hold this level of disdain, and it further created a gap between him and his father and brother, but neither of them tried to bridge the distance. Oikawa only saw them when he had to or when they passed by each other; they would nod to acknowledge each other, but that was the extent of it. Oikawa spent most of his time with Iwaizumi, who had always been the only person he was truly comfortable with anyway and slowly, over time, Oikawa had a feeling that the feeling was reciprocated.

Living this life felt like a hole was burning in his chest and soon, anyone would be able to look at him and see the truth he tried to hide; he hated the life he was thrust into with no choice. He hated the immobility, he hated the lack of freedom, he hated everything about it, but it wasn't something he felt he could voice. He was afraid of people's reactions and had resigned himself long ago to a life where the only time he'd feel warmth in his chest was when he was with Iwaizumi, the one person who he chose to keep in his life and the one person who chose to be in his.

"Denka, please enjoy and thank you so much for stopping by our humble stall."

"Thank you very much," Oikawa returned with a smile. He took two skewers and Iwaizumi wordlessly stepped forward to take the other three. "This is Iwa-chan's," Oikawa said, raising the one he held in his left hand. "And this one is mine. The three you're holding are for the others. Please feed them."

"What—why me?"

"Because," Oikawa explained patiently, "nobody ever takes the food I offer them, which actually makes me a little sad."

"If you tell them that, then they'll eat everything you offer forever," Iwaizumi retorted.

"I do not like to abuse the power I'm not sure why I have to wield, Iwaizumi-san."

Iwaizumi glared lightly but Oikawa watched as he headed over to the other three and offered them the dango. They seemed hesitant and when they looked over, Oikawa smiled. After handing out the skewers, Iwaizumi returned to Oikawa's side and accepted the skewer Oikawa held out to him, eating as they continued to walk through the marketplace. Oikawa pretended to not notice the way people naturally parted when they saw him approaching. When he was younger, he had enjoyed it; it had made him feel special and important, but as he became more jaded, he saw it only as a constant reminder of people moving to be away from him if they could help it.

"Are you all right?" Oikawa heard. He glanced over to see Iwaizumi studying him; he kept in stride with him easily (and Oikawa would argue that Iwaizumi's attire was much easier to walk in than his own) and held his hands behind his back, sword resting easily on his hip. Oikawa smiled, didn't realize how tightly he'd been holding his mouth until that moment.

"Yes. Thank you for your concern, Iwaizumi-san. Let's stop by the flower stall and then head back, all right?"

"Yes, denka."

Steps stilling at where the main path diverged, Oikawa hesitated and frowned, looking both ways. "…Hm."

"Left."

Oikawa pressed his lips into a thin line. "…Are you sure?"

"Well," Iwaizumi said dryly, "if I'm wrong, it's not like we can just try the other direction."

Oikawa shot him a light glare and Iwaizumi smirked in response. He turned to the left and just as Iwaizumi said, Oikawa's favorite flower stall was just a few shops down; the merchant brightened to see him approaching, bowing deeply.

"Denka, welcome back! We have beautiful chrysanthemums for you today!"

"Thank you," Oikawa said in a slightly strained manner, "you always have them when I arrive, don't you?" He wasn't sure if Iwaizumi heard the tightness in his voice or if it was coincidence, but he took a step closer to him.

"Please give me just one moment!"

Oikawa nodded; he glanced over his shoulder to see the trio of nuisances, as he'd nicknamed them in his head, standing a bit away. Oikawa was still irritated he wasn't able to get rid of them, but at least they listened when he said he didn't want to be able to hear or feel their presence and that if he turned around, he wanted to have to take a moment or two to be able to identify them. He actually didn't mind Matsukawa that much, but Oikawa had a feeling it was because Iwaizumi spoke favorably and fondly of him.

"Iwaizumi-san," Oikawa murmured after a few moments, returning his gaze to the flowers, and Iwaizumi nodded to show his attention, "are you aware of what chrysanthemums symbolize?"

He shook his head. "I believe so, denka," he said as a few artisans and peasants passed by behind them. "They represent the nation and the Throne."

"Right," Oikawa said and once they were alone again, added, "and I think they're gaudy and I hate that they're on so many of my robes."

Iwaizumi smirked. "And yet they're the one flower you consistently buy."

"Images are important to upkeep," Oikawa mumbled. "Yellow and orange chrysanthemums have been a symbol of the imperial family for hundreds of years. We have them in the garden too, but, well, I enjoy the excuse for a walk to buy more."

Iwaizumi nodded. He shifted and Oikawa's entire body tensed when, whether on purpose or not, Iwaizumi's shoulder brushed his. "I see," he said in a low voice. "Then, denka, if it were entirely up to you, which flowers would you prefer?"

Oikawa hummed. He tilted his head and glanced his eyes skywards for a moment, clicking his tongue. Ikebana wasn't his favorite of past times, but he did enjoy reading about flowers. He'd prefer to leave the arranging to his teachers, but he liked to choose the flowers to display around his room. "I quite like red camellias, but I know they're not a favorite of the samurai, so I don't tend to keep them around. For non-samurai, they symbolize love. As it turns out, I'm a bit of a romantic. Best to take note of that," he teased in a low voice and Iwaizumi scoffed just as quietly.

"You needn't worry about my preferences, denka," Iwaizumi replied as the merchant returned, arms laden with yellow and orange chrysanthemums. "Please do not let that influence the flowers you wish to display."

Oikawa smiled and after he left the coins in the tray, he took the flowers from the merchant's arms. "Thank you. They're beautiful as always."

"Yes of course, denka," the merchant bowed again. "Are there perhaps any other of our flowers you would like?"

Oikawa paused and studied the displays; there were flowers in bunches and in vases, laid freely and arranged. His eyes flicked toward Iwaizumi and followed his gaze, realized he was looking at the sunflowers and smiled. "Sunflowers, please," he requested. He'd cast his gaze back to the merchant but could see Iwaizumi's head whip towards him in surprise.

The merchant didn't seem to take note; he smiled and nodded, turned to retrieve them. Once he was out of earshot, Iwaizumi frowned. "…You like sunflowers?"

"I was neutral on them," Oikawa admitted and looked over with a wider smile. "But Iwaizumi-san likes them, right? You lingered to look at a painting of them earlier today on top of just now. They symbolize adoration, loyalty, and respect, which I think is quite fitting for you."

Iwaizumi's eyes widened and Oikawa could see the beginnings of a blush tinging his cheeks. It was so easy to make him blush, Oikawa thought, that it seemed mean considering how often Oikawa would fluster him. Iwaizumi started stammering, which just made Oikawa's smile widen. "D-denka, you don't have to—please buy whatever flowers would make you happy—the red camellias today look really nice—"

"If it's a matter of some flowers that die within a few days and the comfort of knowing Iwaizumi-san is at peace while in my company, then it's an easy choice," Oikawa answered as the merchant returned with sunflowers, cheerfully handing them to him after Oikawa laid down a few more coins. He thanked the merchant again and when he left them to greet another customer, Oikawa smiled at Iwaizumi, spoke in a low voice that earned him another blush.

Oikawa's eyes softened as he gazed gently at Iwaizumi.

"Please, Iwaizumi-san. Stop discounting your importance to me."

* * *

They've been doing this for years and yet every time Oikawa asked Iwaizumi to his room at night to spend some more time together, his heart would beat just a little faster. He'd started doing this a few months after Iwaizumi was assigned to him as part of his attempts to break through his polite guard facade, but even after Iwaizumi relaxed around him, Oikawa continued to offer the invitation, made it apparent that it really _was_ entirely Iwaizumi's choice to decide how to spend his free time. For a while he'd worried that Iwaizumi didn't entirely think it was up to his own volition and so Oikawa stopped asking.

About a week passed before Iwaizumi murmured that he'd been studying some go strategies, would Oikawa allow him to test his knowledge?

All Oikawa had done was smile brightly, but Iwaizumi's ensuing blush was so strong that an hour later, he'd had to make up an excuse about the heat to answer Mizogushi's good-natured question.

He couldn't remember a time where he didn't feel this way for Iwaizumi; Oikawa spent much of his free time reading books and poetry, watching bunraku shows and looking at art. He loved the depiction of romance and he loved the legends, but even none of those measured up to what he knew he felt for the one genuine connection he had in his life. He hadn't realized what it was when he was just a kid, but as he grew up and learned about the complexities of life and love, of duty and freedom, he realized that the way he felt when with Iwaizumi was pure and untainted and was the most raw and genuine of emotions he'd ever felt.

"…Oikawa-sama, I'm not as well-versed in ikebana as you are, but I'm fairly sure your teacher would yell at you for that half-assed attempt."

It was like Iwaizumi's personality flipped a switch when they were alone, and Oikawa loved it. When they were in public and around other people, he'd be polite and dryly witty, but act exactly as one would expect of a prince's guard. But then when they were alone, he'd be the grumpy, short-tempered boy who lived in Oikawa's memories even after they'd stopped creating new ones.

Oikawa pouted. "Iwa-chan, that's not nice! Chrysanthemums and sunflowers don't normally go into an arrangement together, so I did my best. I even had Mattsun pick me some more flowers from the garden, but he's worse at it than you are…"

"Matsukawa is wondering why you call him that," Iwaizumi said, moving his queen. Oikawa caught sight of the way his lips twitched into a frown and he hid his own smirk with his fingers, his chin digging into his palm. Iwaizumi's honesty would betray him whenever they played shogi or go because every emotion would show clearly on his face. Even though he'd yet to win a game, Iwaizumi was getting better. There were plenty of people for Oikawa to play with (this was one thing he _could_ bond with his brother over), but as with most things, Iwaizumi was his favorite.

"Mattsun?" Oikawa asked, tilting his head and wordlessly taking Iwaizumi's queen with his bishop. "Oh, did I slip up and call him that?"

Iwaizumi swore and Oikawa smirked. "Just once," Iwaizumi replied, eyes never leaving the board. "I think we were talking about something, so your guard was down and he happened to be within earshot. He's not mad, he's just terrified."

Iwaizumi moved a rook and Oikawa decided to spare it, moving his silver general instead. He'd win in three moves anyway.

"Why is he terrified?"

"When the second-in-line heir to the throne of the nation calls you a weird nickname, people tend to get afraid."

Oikawa laughed softly. Iwaizumi had pondered for a full minute before moving his bishop, and as soon as he drew his hand back, Oikawa took it with his knight. He flicked his gaze up and watched Iwaizumi click his tongue, brow knitting.

"Please let him know it's nothing bad," Oikawa murmured after a moment, dropping his gaze back to the board. "I give the guards around me nicknames for fun, but I'll be more mindful to not call him that in front of him."

Iwaizumi nodded; he made another move and even before his hand was back in his lap, Oikawa had made his. He tensed and swore quietly. "…Damnit."

"Ah, I haven't won yet."

"Yeah, but you're going to, I can tell that much. We might as well just start a new game."

Oikawa dropped his eyes to the pieces remaining, drumming his fingers against his cheek. "There are three ways you can win," Oikawa murmured after a few moments. "And I think you could see those three ways, too."

"…But if you know them all, then you'll know which I choose, and you'll know how to block."

Oikawa smiled.

"That is correct."

Iwaizumi scowled. "So let's just start a new game, then."

Oikawa laughed and nodded, leaned back in his chair as Iwaizumi cleared the board to set up the pieces again, watching him as he did so. Iwaizumi was off duty, which meant he was wearing a plain kimono. Oikawa had changed into some of his more casual robes, but they were still relatively ornate; as with many of them, chrysanthemums lined the edges of his robes, dyes concentrated in the designs on the otherwise white silk. Iwaizumi had once offhandedly mentioned how nice his sleeping robes were, and Oikawa asked if he wanted one.

He'd been entirely serious, which was probably why Iwaizumi got so flustered, snapped how he was supposed to get away with wearing one without arousing suspicion.

"How was your day, Iwa-chan? I know it was spent with me, so be careful about how you answer."

Iwaizumi snorted softly, glanced at him. "It was fine. You were slightly less annoying than usual, probably because you got to go outside today. Already told you my thoughts on the book you recommended I read and already told you your schedule for tomorrow. Caught up a bit with Matsukawa after dinner before coming back to your room."

Oikawa nodded as he spoke. He was quiet for a moment and watched as Iwaizumi finished setting up the board, pressing his lips into a thin line and nodded when Iwaizumi asked if he was all right. "Iwa-chan, may I ask something?"

Iwaizumi blinked, hands stilling from straightening some pieces, likely because of the quiet change in Oikawa's tone. He looked up and Oikawa could immediately see the look in his eyes flick from relaxed childhood friend to loyal guard. He drew his shoulders back and nodded. "…Of course."

Oikawa tilted his head and smiled. "…Do you enjoy spending all your time with me?"

"…"

"…"

Iwaizumi's shoulders relaxed and his brow furrowed.

"…Is this a trick question?"

"No," Oikawa replied easily. "I'm sure you're aware that I tend to ask you to be with me more often than a guard normally is, such as with my father or brother. I don't need you by my side always, I just prefer it. But if there are other matters in the day that you aren't able to accomplish because of that—"

"My duty as your guard," Iwaizumi interrupted softly, "is to serve you and protect you, and the best way to do that is to be by your side. And as your friend, I would naturally want to spend as much time with you as I can."

Iwaizumi moved a pawn, set the piece down with a click. He started almost all of his games moving that particular move and Oikawa didn't know if he was aware of this. Iwaizumi raised his chin and one corner of his lips gathered higher than the other. "So you don't have to worry, Oikawa," he reassured, lips twitching at the way Oikawa blinked at the lack of the honorific. "You're not inconveniencing me by requesting my presence. I had a good day today, accompanying you to the market, and whatever you decide to do tomorrow, I'll enjoy it as well. Please don't burden yourself by thinking of what I want."

Oikawa's heart skipped a beat, but he was able to hide his emotions far better than Iwaizumi could. He took a moment to gather himself under the pretense of studying the board, even though he already knew his next five moves. "That's easier said than done, though, despite your very loyal-guard-worthy speech," Oikawa teased eventually, grinning at the way Iwaizumi tensed, cheeks pinking. "You're my friend, Iwa-chan. You're my only friend and I treasure our relationship."

Oikawa laughed again at the darkening blush on Iwaizumi's cheeks. "You're too easy to fluster, Iwa-chan. Have you considered that maybe that's why I keep doing so?"

"Sh-shut up, I can't help it."

As much as Oikawa trusted Iwaizumi, knew that he never said anything he didn't mean, he could still tell that Iwaizumi still partially regarded him as a prince. It was just a title, and yet there was such a distance between a prince and a normal person. It wasn't Iwaizumi's fault; it was hard to unlearn something that had influenced every aspect of his life for over two decades, and Oikawa appreciated that Iwaizumi was at least able to mainly see him as Oikawa Tooru.

That being said, the part of Iwaizumi that couldn't help but see him as Prince Oikawa, the one he was meant to serve and defend and honor existed and as long as he did, Oikawa would wonder how much of it influenced Iwaizumi's decisions to be with him. Maybe he was overreacting, Oikawa thought, maybe he was expecting too much when Iwaizumi had already gone above and beyond for him, most likely without even realizing it. Iwaizumi chose to be with him; Oikawa didn't need to try and break that down any further.

Oikawa learned forward to move the pawn he tended to start his games with about thirty percent of the time. "I apologize for this afternoon, though," he murmured. "It must've made you uncomfortable for me to tease you like that in public."

Iwaizumi blinked and shook his head. "Oh, no. Don't worry, I—"

"While I maintain that it's fun to tease Iwa-chan because of how he reacts," Oikawa continued softly, eyes slanting upwards, "I do understand that if anyone were to overhear, it could inconvenience Iwa-chan. I'll be more mindful. Iwa-chan does such a good job protecting me that I want to protect him too, as much as I can."

He dropped his eyes right after he could see a scarlet blush threaten Iwaizumi's cheeks. "Please know that you can always tell me if I'm going too far. Your move, by the way."

It took him a moment, but Oikawa watched him move his knight. Iwaizumi tended to move his rooks first and then his knight; this was another habit that Oikawa wasn't sure if Iwaizumi realized he was doing. It made him a predictable player and maybe on another night, Oikawa would tell him.

Oikawa had just picked up his gold general when he heard Iwaizumi say his name quietly, the way _Tooru_ whispered into the space between them causing the hairs on the back of his neck to rise, the feeling of silk on his skin electric, the breeze from the open window cataclysmic. Iwaizumi used _Oikawa-sama_ the most often and _Oikawa_ as a rarity, but he'd only ever say _Tooru_ in the most intimate of moments, the ones that would cause Oikawa to lose sleep in the best way possible, the ones that made Oikawa fairly sure his feelings were reciprocated.

Oikawa looked up and suddenly found it hard to breathe at the way Iwaizumi was looking at him, his eyes dark and unreadable, lips curved gently and lopsidedly.

"…I don't care if it inconveniences me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the iwaoi brainrot is bad, friends. i never thought i'd do historical au but then i did that reincarnation fic and prince oikawa and guard iwa refused to leave my head so here we are. here. we. are. 
> 
> thank you for reading!! kudos/comments appreciated immensely, especially as i'm still working through refining the plot hahaha


	2. the guard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he was the prince, but more than that, he was tooru and iwaizumi cared for him so deeply that words weren’t enough to express how much he meant to him.

Iwaizumi always thought that both the Emperor and Oikawa had similarly calm and soothing ways of talking. Neither of them raised their voice, to Iwaizumi's knowledge; they were able to command attention just by speaking quietly, which he always found admirable.

Iwaizumi had learned that the Emperor and the Throne were one in the same, both representing the nation; Oikawa, he thought, was someone who so many people aspired to be like. He'd never told anyone, even Oikawa himself, but he'd always thought that Oikawa, with his grace, charisma, intelligence, and kindness, would make an excellent emperor, if only he didn't absolutely hate the idea. Iwaizumi looked at him and instantly felt at ease; following his father's death, he'd been a bit disillusioned and thought that ignoring those feelings and focusing on his lessons would be enough. For a while, they had been, but then he saw Oikawa again and realized just what his father meant about how great an honor it would be to give his life to protect the Throne. Iwaizumi never told anyone, hardly even allowed himself to think it, but he knew for sure that a large part of his reverence towards the Throne was because of Oikawa.

Oikawa had never said it, but it was easy to tell. Iwaizumi had grown up with him; even when they weren't playing together, it was impossible to be in the palace without knowing about the imperial family. He'd catch sight of Oikawa far more often than the other way around and he used to see Oikawa's expression brimming with excitement as he hurried happily to and from wings (usually a gaggle of guards following him), but as they grew older, Iwaizumi knew that the fewer but practiced smiles weren't simply a result of maturing. It became hard for Iwaizumi to remember when he'd seen Oikawa smile genuinely. He always seemed pleasant enough; even when he was just walking and not consciously smiling, his expression seemed peaceful. But whenever Iwaizumi would catch his eyes, they'd seem dull and hollow, so opposite of the way they'd sparkled and glimmered, like a flame inside of him was flickering dangerously to the end of its wick.

The first time he remembered Oikawa smiling genuinely after they became teenagers was the morning he'd been assigned as his guard. From there, as he continued to spend time with him, Iwaizumi was able to make the connections between Oikawa's minute facial twitches at certain words and conversations and swallowed the truth the way Oikawa pretended it didn't exist. Iwaizumi didn't know why he hated his title or the idea of being emperor, but he knew that he did and that was all that mattered. He didn't think that Oikawa was lucky to be second-in-line and therefore not expected to inherit a throne he didn't want, because there was nothing lucky about the way Oikawa felt.

Things would always be worse, Iwaizumi knew, but that didn't diminish the feelings that existed.

Frowning at another sharp retort, Iwaizumi glanced down the hallway, giving a sigh of relief that nobody was approaching. He and Oikawa had been on their way back to his room after dinner when Mizogushi, the current captain of the Guard, approached them. He'd informed Oikawa that his father requested his audience and Oikawa had nodded, thanked him for letting him know.

Mizogushi turned to Iwaizumi and nodded. _"Iwaizumi-san, I understand you are off duty. I would be honored to escort denka to heika's study."_

_Iwaizumi hesitated and glanced at Oikawa; he was standing behind Mizogushi, and so he stuck out his tongue playfully. Iwaizumi took a deep breath and bowed slightly towards Mizogushi. "Thank you, Mizogushi-san, but I would be happy to accompany him, as I assume you have other matters to attend to."_

_Mizogushi nodded, but Iwaizumi's eyes were focused on Oikawa's smile._

Once Mizogushi was out of earshot, Iwaizumi asked if Oikawa was all right. He answered he was, but without looking at Iwaizumi and with a terseness in his voice. It had been a stark contrast from their playful bantering just before Mizogushi found him; the rest of the walk was conducted in silence, Oikawa's steps shuffling more than normal and Iwaizumi's even and clean as always. Iwaizumi had opened the door and Oikawa hadn't so much as glanced at him as he stepped in, but Iwaizumi spotted the way his eyes were already narrowed, lips set in a slight scowl.

_"I will be right outside, denka."_

A curt nod from Oikawa and a deep bow to the Emperor later, Iwaizumi closed the door quietly. He took a step to the side and held his hands behind his back with his fingers brushing against the wooden paneling of the wall, exhaling and closing his eyes; he already had a bad feeling. Oikawa and the Emperor didn't speak as often as one may expect. Iwaizumi had hid his surprise well when Mizogushi approached him and even though he held his tongue around Oikawa, he couldn't help himself from wondering what they would be talking about, especially if it had them almost yelling at each other.

Iwaizumi saw the Emperor and Oikawa differently. He respected Oikawa as both a friend and part of the imperial family, but what he felt towards the Emperor was entirely reverential. Half-lidded eyes stared at the art displayed across the hall. The times he and Oikawa would pass down this hallway, Oikawa would remark that he didn't care for that particular piece of art, that he found it old-fashioned, conservative, and traditional.

 _Like my father_ Oikawa had said in such a hushed murmur that Iwaizumi almost didn't hear it. Despite being his son, Oikawa also seemed to mostly regard him as the Emperor; he'd hardly make remarks like that and so while Iwaizumi was surprised at something closer to sass than the normal respect, he kept his mouth shut.

Someone was snapping again; this time it was Oikawa, Iwaizumi knew immediately, and he closed his eyes, exhaled through his nose and clenched his fists behind his back. He didn't mean to eavesdrop, but it was difficult to not listen to their agitated voices as he stood right by the door. He was the only one in the hallway, but had caught sight of some senior members of the Guard in the study before he left. Whatever they were discussing was sensitive enough for Iwaizumi to not hear, but not _so_ sensitive as to exclude some of the Emperor's most trusted guards, so Iwaizumi tried to think of the nature of those topics.

Unsurprisingly, Iwaizumi could not think of an example of something he was not supposed to know.

He heard another biting retort and barely straightened in time as the door slammed open. Iwaizumi visibly jolted, eyes wide as he watched Oikawa stalk out and immediately walk away—had he forgotten about him? Was what they were talking about _that_ agitating?

Iwaizumi took a minute to gather himself. He turned and took two strides, stopping in front of the open door to face the Emperor and hinge deeply at his waist, head level with his shoulders and nearly parallel with the ground. "Heika," he greeted. "Good evening."

"Ah, Iwaizumi-san."

The Emperor looked up, lowered his hand from his face. "I'm sorry you overheard that. Please don't let me keep you from Tooru."

"Please do not apologize," Iwaizumi answered smoothly and started to straighten. "Please enjoy the rest of your evening."

"One more thing, Iwaizumi-san…"

Iwaizumi hesitated; something cold was running down the middle of his chest when he looked up to see the Emperor regarding him. The way he was gazing at him was knowingly and something in Iwaizumi's chest twisted with unwelcome familiarity. "The matter we discussed… I trust you are making progress."

Iwaizumi swallowed thickly and dropped his gaze, bowing again. "…I am trying my best, heika."

"Very well," he heard. "You are excused, Iwaizumi-san."

Iwaizumi gave another bow before following in Oikawa's path. He was soon able to attribute his shaky breaths to his brisk pace; Oikawa was a little taller than he was, which he liked to constantly remind Iwaizumi of, but even he wasn't able to outwalk Iwaizumi when he was layered in an extraordinary number of robes and Iwaizumi was concerned for him. Iwaizumi only had to hurry down a few hallways before he caught sight of Oikawa, his kimono moving gracefully in the wind as he continued to walk. Iwaizumi took a quick scan to ensure they were along before he brought his hand forward, grasped Oikawa's sleeve gently and murmured his name.

Oikawa jerked out of his grip and whirled around with a glare, but when he saw it was Iwaizumi, his expression softened, but a hint of annoyance remained furrowed in his brow. "Oh, sorry, Iwa-chan, I didn't realize—" he paused and then his eyes widened, faced Iwaizumi. "Oh, _sorry_ , I just left, I forgot you were still there waiting for me."

"It's fine," Iwaizumi shook his head. He watched as Oikawa adjusted his robes, still wearing a slightly terse expression and dropped his gaze again; Oikawa normally spent more time looking at Iwaizumi than away, and as he stared at him, Iwaizumi could tell that this was a conscious decision on Oikawa's part to refuse eye contact. "Are you all right?" he asked quietly.

Oikawa sighed. "…I don't think you need me to answer that, do you?" Oikawa mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and keeping his gaze averted. Oikawa was excellent at hiding how he felt, and so if he couldn't help the emotion from showing on his face, it had to be overwhelming. Iwaizumi's first instinct was to reach out for him again, but he held himself back; he wanted to be there as his friend, but this had been a matter regarding him as a prince to the Emperor and as a guard, it wasn't his place.

Iwaizumi was painfully aware of that.

Iwaizumi's expression relaxed as he studied Oikawa. He normally carried himself in such a regal and elegant way that it was no wonder people were enamored with him; people didn't pay Iwaizumi much attention if he wasn't with Oikawa, so he'd hear the way they'd talk about him if he was walking around by himself. All the members of the imperial family were well liked, but Oikawa was talked about more often than others, whether for his beauty or his kindness or his intelligence (Iwaizumi didn't just lose every game they played because he wasn't good, he lost because Oikawa was _really_ good).

Oikawa put in more of an effort than his father or brother did to engage with people; this was generally perceived as him being kind and caring and while he was, Iwaizumi knew Oikawa also just wanted to try and feel less removed from the pedestal everyone had put him on.

When in public, Oikawa hardly showed this side of himself. Even if he was annoyed, he hid it behind a smile and a charming lilt in his voice. Iwaizumi watched the way he dug his fingers into his arms and the slight downturn of his lips, teeth biting down harshly on a corner. He cleared his throat to break the silence. "Oikawa-sama, would you like me to ask Hanamaki for some scraps to feed koi with? I can meet you in the courtyard."

Oikawa's brow had relaxed slightly when he heard Iwaizumi clear his throat. At his suggestion, he gave a tired nod and a small smile. "…Yeah, that sounds nice, Iwa-chan. Thank you."

Iwaizumi gave a slight smirk, nodded his head lightly. Oikawa turned first; he watched him meander down the hallway, already relieved at how less agitated his steps were. Once he rounded the corner, Iwaizumi turned the opposite direction and made his way to the kitchen. It was late, but he remembered Hanamaki had mentioned that he was tasked with cleaning up. Iwaizumi called his name as he stepped over the threshold and Hanamaki popped up from behind a table, nodding at him. "Hey, Iwaizumi."

"Hey," Iwaizumi returned. "Do you have any leftovers or scraps to feed the koi with?"

Hanamaki pulled a face. "Again…? Iwaizumi, you know that you're single handedly making the koi fat, right?"

Iwaizumi glared and Hanamaki grinned before setting down the cloth and grabbing a freshly washed bowl. "It's for denka," Iwaizumi grumbled. Hanamaki just shot him another smirk over his shoulder as he sorted through some set aside vegetables, some whole and some already in pieces.

"Sure, sure. Come on, Iwaizumi, it's just us, you can admit it."

Hanamaki finished filling the bowl and slid it across the table. Iwaizumi caught it easily and glowered. "Admit what?" he asked, a warning edge in his tone.

Hanamaki appeared unperturbed as he replied, "You feed the fish too."

Iwaizumi stared at him silently for several seconds.

"…If that's the extent to which you think I would abuse his influence, I should be grateful."

Iwaizumi had known Hanamaki and Matsukawa since the three of them were young. Matsukawa was also part of the Guard and so it was easy to keep in touch with him as they grew up, and Hanamaki would join them when he was able to. The three of them would spend most of their free time together, either lolling around on palace grounds or heading into town. Iwaizumi spent significantly less time with them after being assigned to Oikawa, but he still made an effort to join when he could; Oikawa didn't monopolize _all_ his time, he'd argue when they brought it up, and Hanamaki would ask if it was still considered monopolizing if Iwaizumi willingly offered it.

They'd tease but when Iwaizumi genuinely worried, they'd wave his concerns off. _"Don't worry,"_ one of them would reassure. _"We're adults. We get it and, after all, he's the prince."_

Even though they were his close friends and Iwaizumi trusted them, he still didn't let them know just how close he and Oikawa were. They knew that he was friends with him (it was sort of unavoidable to let them know that much), but they certainly didn't know about the unspoken feelings between them. It just so happened that when it came to anything related to Oikawa, Iwaizumi was hypervigilant and paranoid of _anything_ that could come back to harm him or tarnish his reputation. He was a prince; even if he was generally known to be kind to those around him, Iwaizumi could see the rumors spin that into something negative.

Oikawa, at his core, was so pure and so kind and felt everything so viscerally. Iwaizumi was very aware of how much more powerful and long-lasting pain could be and would do absolutely anything to spare Oikawa that.

Iwaizumi looked through the bowl, shaking it lightly to see bruised vegetables in bits and pieces and torn greens. He blinked. "…You want me to present this to denka?"

Hanamaki smirked. "You could present anything to him and he'd be pleased."

Iwaizumi made sure to absolutely never allude to Oikawa's feelings for him, but it was hard for him to deny how he felt for Oikawa. He hadn't thought it was obvious, but Hanamaki and Matsukawa were quick to pick up on it and would tease him relentlessly ( _"isn't that so obvious, falling for a prince?" and "you really aim high, don't you, Iwaizumi?"_ ). He'd never hinted to how what he felt was more than a crush and was more than satisfied to let the two of them think that a shallow infatuation was all it was.

And honestly, a good majority of people who saw Oikawa probably felt that way towards him too.

Iwaizumi glared but thanked him, promised that he'd try and spend one of his next nights off with Hanamaki and Matsukawa. Hanamaki handed him a wrapped bun just as he was about to leave and said it was for Matsukawa; Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow and smirked, to which Hanamaki just glared and waved his hand to shoo him off. _"Don't eat it yourself! I'll know. Matsukawa'll tell me because he'll complain that I didn't follow through on my promise."_

Keeping the bun in one of the folds of his robes, Iwaizumi left the kitchen, his strides long but even. The maids he passed by bowed to him and Iwaizumi returned with a short nod. It wasn't uncommon for samurai to be guards at the palace, but being part of the Guard specifically meant to protect the imperial family carried more weight. Iwaizumi's room wasn't nearly as nice as Oikawa's, but he and Matsukawa each had private rooms, and they would relax in a common area with Hanamaki when they could.

Iwaizumi turned the last corner. Oikawa had always been easy to spot, for reasons beyond his princely status and physical appearance. He had an effervescence about him. Even when he wasn't really doing anything, just sitting quietly, Iwaizumi was drawn to him. He could be entirely silent, but Iwaizumi would sense if he entered a room, even before people turned to look at him because very seldom did a member of the imperial family enter a room unannounced.

He found him just beyond some partially open screen doors and Iwaizumi knocked on the wooden paneling to let Oikawa know of his presence. He didn't turn, but murmured his name quietly as a greeting. There were several courtyards and gardens in the palace; this courtyard was more of an outdoor pond for the koi, the largest in the palace. Iwaizumi crossed the distance from the door to where Oikawa was leaning against and set the bowl of scraps on the wooden bannister. He pushed his sleeves up to his forearms and leaned them against the surface afterwards, crossing one ankle behind the other as he relaxed.

Oikawa murmured his gratitude quietly. He picked up one larger radish scraps and broke it into small pieces, tossing it into the water. The pieces landed with soft _plunk_ sounds and almost immediately, the water began to ripple, exploding as the koi's gaping mouths broke the surface, various colors surfacing vibrantly in the clean water.

Iwaizumi smirked to watch them. "Guess it has been a while since we've done this."

One particularly excited koi splashed so violently that Iwaizumi felt a droplet hit his cheek. He jolted, but considered it a small price to pay for Oikawa's small laugh.

Oikawa had gone through three pieces of radish by the time he picked up a green onion. Iwaizumi knew that koi ate just about anything, but wondered if green onions were pushing it; did they even offer nutritional value? He'd only ever considered it for garnish and wasn't sure if koi had as extensive a palate.

He didn't mind silences with Oikawa. There would be afternoons and evenings where neither said a word; they would just read in the comfort of each other's presence or watch the stars from his balcony. He always thought about how rare it was, to find someone whose presence was so relaxing that he'd never feel pressured to say anything; being with Oikawa was more soothing than being alone and he hoped that Oikawa felt the same way.

Even now, knowing that Oikawa's silence wasn't because of peace, there was still no pressure and Iwaizumi wouldn't mind waiting all night until he was ready to talk, if needed.

"Do you know what our conversation was about?" Oikawa asked quietly at last.

Iwaizumi fidgeted. He didn't know based on what he'd heard through the door, but he could hazard a guess based on the Emperor's last words to him. "…I have an idea," he answered honestly.

Oikawa nodded with a smile that Iwaizumi hated to see. "…Yes. About the lack of my engagement."

They were twenty-five; Oikawa's siblings had both been married by this point and though Iwaizumi never asked, he assumed that the Emperor hadn't pushed Oikawa to accept an engagement earlier because his brother would take the throne. That being said, he likely wanted Oikawa to marry if only for image, tradition, and political relations and was growing agitated at Oikawa continuously refusing to do so. While Oikawa's siblings had always seemed like they were either acting exactly their age or more mature, Oikawa tended to be the opposite. It was part of his charm (and his annoying nature), but the Emperor probably thought that he would eventually grow out of it.

The Emperor didn't know just how stubborn Oikawa could be.

Marriage wasn't about romance. It wasn't about a partner for life; in their society, marriage was a formality, mainly meant for political union within the nobility. He'd heard that this viewpoint was changing among some of the lower classes and people were beginning to choose their spouses based on emotion but for the military and aristocracy, it was still very much just another formality that meant very little beyond strengthening political unions. Husbands and wives sometimes never even spent time together unless it was to make an appearance; if Oikawa were to marry someone, Iwaizumi thought that it would be possible that very little would actually change in his everyday life, except that the person who sat beside him at ceremonies would be his wife.

From that point of view, he wasn't sure why Oikawa was so opposed to marriage, but Iwaizumi would always support him. It didn't matter if he didn't understand why Oikawa felt a certain way about something; Iwaizumi didn't need to understand _why_ to understand that he _did_. Iwaizumi didn't even need to understand Oikawa's reasoning. As both his friend and his guard, Iwaizumi would wordlessly support Oikawa forever.

"…The Emperor seems to really be pushing this on you," Iwaizumi noted quietly. "Has he said why?"

Oikawa gave a small shrug and tossed the torn up green onion into the pond, dropped the stem he couldn't rip apart back into the bowl. "He says it's part of my duty. I asked him what duty, I'm not taking the throne, I'm sure onii-sama will be producing an heir and even if he doesn't, there's Takeru. Succession isn't even always that linear, you know, it doesn't—"

Oikawa cut off and shook his head. He pinched the bridge of his nose and offered a wry smile. "Sorry, you probably don't want to hear about the intricacies of succession. It's not the most interesting topic in the world."

Iwaizumi agreed, but as long as Oikawa was serious about a topic, Iwaizumi would listen wholeheartedly and attentively.

Oikawa picked up a piece of turnip next and started breaking it in his hands. Iwaizumi was busy watching the koi that had splashed him that he didn't realize Oikawa was staring at him. He turned when he heard _Iwa-chan_ and blinked at the way Oikawa's head was tilted. "We've talked about this topic three times now and you've still never asked why I don't want to get married. I'd think that would be the natural first question anyone would ask."

Oikawa's gaze had always been intimate; when he looked at someone, he did so in such a serious, attentive way, even without meaning to. It was the type of gaze that let people know he was really listening to what they were saying; it was the type of gaze that let people know he really cared, and Iwaizumi had always admired that about him.

But right now, Oikawa was consciously looking at him seriously and it made his gaze even more piercing. Iwaizumi tore his eyes away and returned to watching the fish, a tightness forming in the middle of his chest. "…As a guard, it's not my place to ask about your personal affairs and feelings."

"And as my friend?"

Iwaizumi hesitated and licked his lips. "…As your friend, I'm curious, but it's also the type of thing that I'd rather wait until you wanted to tell me, rather than only doing so because I asked."

Oikawa didn't reply at first and Iwaizumi reached for one of the yam scraps, tried to break it up as much as he could. The koi continued to splash noisily and Iwaizumi purposely tossed his pieces away from the one who splashed him. He heard Oikawa give a chuckle and stole a glance to see a smile lingering on his lips, one that had a sigh of relief escaping Iwaizumi's lips. "We should send Iwa-chan to establish our diplomatic relations. That was a good answer."

Iwaizumi scoffed. "What, and leave you alone? Someone has to keep you in line around here."

Oikawa laughed again. He held one last bit of turnip in his hands, but was turning it over and over in his fingers. He sighed and the dip between his shoulder blades exaggerated, moonlight catching the sheen of silk with the movement. "…So much of my life has been decided for me," Oikawa said quietly and Iwaizumi watched a nail dig into the turnip. "A lot of them were made without my knowledge or permission and this is _one_ decision I still can control… the Emperor wants me to be wed, but cannot actually force me. Without this single decision that's up to me, I would be entirely controlled by the Throne and by fate. I can't live a life like that, I need at least one thing that was entirely at my volition."

Oikawa pressed his lips into a thin line. Iwaizumi was staring at him; he watched how Oikawa's brow slowly knit and had started shaking his head before straightening and turning away from Iwaizumi. "…I know it sounds like I'm being dramatic and that it's stupid, but…"

"Of course it isn't," Iwaizumi interrupted gently. He waited until Oikawa had turned to face him again to smile slightly. "I don't think you're being stupid. I think it makes sense and it doesn't matter that other people might see it as just a marriage. Our feelings aren't always rational and we can't help how we feel and the situation you're in is something a lot of people can't relate to, but feeling like you have no control over your life… is one of the most suffocating feelings, I imagine."

He tossed the last of his yam into the pond and straightened.

"Your feelings are valid, Oikawa-sama. If you don't want to get married, don't. If you do, do. Just as long as it's what _you_ want, then I hope it will make you happy because as your friend, that's what I think is most important."

He was speaking honestly; Iwaizumi had never felt a pressure around Oikawa when it came to conversation. He had always thought that his honesty might be his downfall one day, but Oikawa had explicitly told him that Iwaizumi's honesty was refreshing in a life where almost everyone hid what they truly felt or thought because he was the prince.

Iwaizumi glanced into the bowl to see that it was nearly empty and everything that was left wasn't edible, even for koi. He was about to ask if Oikawa wanted him to ask Hanamaki for some more when he caught Oikawa's eye and the way he was gazing at him left him immobilized, even the instinctive blush freezing halfway up the back of his neck. His stomach plummeted as his heart seized; Iwaizumi didn't know _how_ Oikawa could have such an effect on him without meaning to.

Oikawa smiled, this time full of warmth, and Iwaizumi's lungs joined the state of his heart. Iwaizumi still had a hand on the bannister and saw Oikawa's hand move just a little closer to his.

"…Iwa-chan, you don't realize, do you? How happy you make me."

* * *

"Hey. From Hanamaki."

"Thanks."

Matsukawa gave a nod of appreciation before unwrapping the bun Iwaizumi handed him, biting into it as he resumed reading. After they'd left the koi, Oikawa murmured that he was tired that night and Iwaizumi nodded immediately. Oikawa promised to beat him mercilessly at shogi another night and left him with a smile and brush of their hands before heading to his room. Iwaizumi returned to the kitchen first, grateful for the night hiding his blush and a walk to blame it on. Hanamaki was gone and it was dark, so he left the bowl in the sink and then returned to the common area for the Guard, entered to see only Matsukawa lounging with a book.

He'd greeted him with a nod. _"You're back late. With denka?"_

Iwaizumi had never tried to hide when he spent his off-duty time with Oikawa, but he also didn't bring it up unless someone asked directly. He didn't care if people badmouthed him, but he would care if they would be stupid enough to even imply something about Oikawa. The members of the Guard weren't prone to gossip, but it took just one person, and word could spread like wildfire, especially among the rest of the imperial guards. Iwaizumi wouldn't react if anyone said anything about him, but he'd learned that Matsukawa would defended him if he wasn't there; Hanamaki told him about when the two of them would be walking and Matsukawa, normally quiet and calm, would interrupt a conversation to come to Iwaizumi's defense.

Iwaizumi tried not to take advantage of the fact that he had Oikawa's ear, but after Hanamaki told him that, he'd asked Oikawa if he could have the cooks prepare some eel. Oikawa had agreed immediately, then inquired why and Iwaizumi honestly answered Matsukawa had done him a favor and he wanted to repay him.

Oikawa had smiled. _"Iwa-chan seems really close to Mattsun. It's sweet. And the other one… Makki, right?"_

Iwaizumi hadn't thought much about Oikawa already knowing and nicknaming his friends until there were three servings of eel and rice waiting for him in his room a few nights later. He'd brought the bowls to Hanamaki and Matsukawa that night and Hanamaki laughed, noted that he had no idea he was cleaning eel that _he_ would end up eating.

_"You've got the ear of the Prince and all you use it for is feeding koi and feeding us… you might be the most morally upright person I know."_

Iwaizumi's time spent with Hanamaki and Matsukawa was much more consistently spread out over his life; his time with Oikawa was concentrated for a few months when they were kids and most of it was over the last several years, but they spent so much time together that it was probably on par with Hanamaki and Matsukawa.

He'd met Oikawa first. Iwaizumi had been wandering around the palace, looking for something to do, when he spotted Oikawa in a courtyard. This was before he'd started his schooling so instead of a descendent of Amaterasu, Oikawa was just the other boy his age who also liked to play in the gardens and climb trees. He remembered going back to his family's chambers that night and telling his father about who he'd played with; both his parents had been surprised. His father then quietly asked if anyone saw them and Iwaizumi shook his head.

_"No, I don't think so. He even knew which gardens would be empty!"_

_"Hajime, I'm glad you made a friend, but… be careful."_

_Iwaizumi frowned. "Why? He was really nice!"_

_His father smiled wryly._

_"…You'll understand more when you grow up."_

Oikawa was soon swept up in what Iwaizumi could imagine was an inundation of lessons ranging from ceremonies and rituals to arts and literature and Iwaizumi had his own education to attend to, bushido quickly becoming the foundation for everything he'd learn. He'd catch glimpses of Oikawa if he was lucky, but he was normally surrounded by many people; even if he wasn't, Iwaizumi couldn't work up the nerve to approach him again. The words from his father that hadn't made sense when he was a kid rang almost painfully true now; Oikawa was a prince, he was from the imperial family, and Iwaizumi was a guard, he was a samurai. The hierarchical system of their society sounded simple at first glance, but in reality, the differences in their classes were _vast_ ; the imperial family was almost unimaginably out of reach and Iwaizumi assumed that Oikawa had long forgotten when they'd played together.

Even when he saw him throughout the years, Oikawa seemed different. He was no longer the grinning, rambunctious kid who tried to catch koi with his bare hands (and always failed.) He'd matured into what Iwaizumi thought to be the very spitting image of a prince; whether he was in ceremonial robes or not, Oikawa commanded an air of elegance about him. Even his resting expression left Iwaizumi's heart pounding; all he had were quick, stolen glances, but even if Oikawa had looked up, Iwaizumi knew that the reason he'd drop his gaze wasn't only out of respect.

When he was fifteen, his mother had died from an illness and the weeks following passed by in a blur for him. His father had died about a year after he stopped playing with Oikawa; he'd died while on a shift and it left Iwaizumi with feelings utterly unbecoming of a samurai-to-be. While he'd been able to do so, losing his mother left him feeling entirely alone. He hardly remembered what he learned in his lessons and his instructors had shown some sympathy for his situation, given him rare leeway. Matsukawa and Hanamaki did their best to be there for him; Matsukawa helped him study and practice and Hanamaki tried to bring food that Iwaizumi liked because of his lessened appetite, but the grief was something that Iwaizumi had no choice but to live through and try and survive.

There had been one night where Iwaizumi couldn't sleep; before he knew what had happened, he found himself in one of the courtyards that he and Oikawa used to play in. This courtyard, in particular, was one where he'd picked a bouquet to give to his mother; she had smiled and kissed him on the forehead, thanked him for being such a good son. He'd beamed and his father ruffled his hair, told him that he'd grow up into a fine young man after all.

The memory brought tears back to his eyes and Iwaizumi had finally let himself cry after weeks of repressing the urge to do so. He'd been sitting on the wooden deck, trying to keep his sobs quiet as he wiped at his eyes and kept his head bowed. He hadn't even heard the door open; this was an area of the palace that wasn't highly frequented, especially so late at night, but when he heard his name, his heart plummeted because he'd know that soothing voice anywhere.

_"Iwaizumi-san?"_

_"D-denka, I apologize, I hadn't realized you were there."_

_Iwaizumi was shaking as he stood as quickly as he could, dropped his gaze and bowed deeply, heart racing. Iwaizumi wondered why Oikawa was wandering around so late at night but pushed the thought from his mind; he was the prince, he could do whatever he wanted._ Iwaizumi _was the one who would be getting in trouble for being caught here. He felt nauseous from how rapidly his heart was beating in his chest; on top of that, a sob was still lodged in his throat, and he felt like he couldn't breathe properly as a result._

_"Please," he heard, "you don't need to call me that. Are you all right?"_

_Iwaizumi had a myriad of emotions fluttering through his chest, but the one that stood out was hopeful surprise. Oikawa had addressed him by name; that had to mean he hadn't forgotten when they'd played together, or at least vaguely remembered it. If his cheeks weren't already flushed from crying, he was sure they'd be pink as a result of that._

_"Y-yes, denka," Iwaizumi stammered, head still bowed and gaze fixated on his feet. His breath hiccupped and he sniffled before he could stop himself. "I'm very sorry to have disturbed—"_

_"Don't be ridiculous."_

_He heard Oikawa quietly ask for him to look at him. It took Iwaizumi several moments to gather and prepare himself; he wished he had the chance to splash cold water on his face because he didn't trust the darkness to shroud what the moonlight insisted on revealing. He swallowed thickly and eventually looked up; Oikawa was smiling at him, holding out a book and something wrapped in a handkerchief that Iwaizumi would later find out to be mochi. Iwaizumi stole a glance beyond that; he'd seen Oikawa in his more casual kimono before, but he'd never been this close. He could appreciate the fine craftsmanship and also the way the fabric draped on his body, how the colors blended beautifully. He looked so ethereal that it felt like Iwaizumi was looking at someone he shouldn't be allowed to and the fact that they were standing less than three feet apart was overwhelming._

_"It's not much, but I hope these will make your night better, Iwaizumi-san. Whatever has happened, I hope you will be all right and if I can do anything to help, please let me know."_

_Iwaizumi's breath hiccupped and he shook his head. "Denka, th-this is very kind of you, but you don't need to. I'm fine—"_

_"Please," Oikawa said and this time, Iwaizumi looked up before he could stop himself. He was tilting his head and his hair looked so soft and so lustrous, the curve of his lips so slight and his eyes reflecting the moonlight more than the rippling pond did. His lashes were so dark and so long, his eyes so wide and gentle; Iwaizumi accepted the offered items with shaking hands. His next breath came out as a shuddered sigh because the emotion coursing through his vein wasn't just because he was standing in front of a prince, it was because he was standing in front of Oikawa._

_"What kind of a prince would I be if I saw someone I cared about crying and did nothing?"_

That night was the exact moment his heart started to ache for Oikawa as the person he knew he was beyond being just a prince.

Iwaizumi had thought that would be his last encounter with Oikawa and kept the memory safely tucked together with ones from his childhood. Then a few years later, he was told that Oikawa had personally asked for him to be his guard.

Iwaizumi had asked Mizogushi _what?_ at least three times just to clarify he wasn't imagining it.

He still had the book Oikawa gave him resting on his shelf; when they were closer, he asked if he wanted it back. Oikawa had answered that if Iwaizumi didn't want it anymore, then yes, but otherwise, no. Iwaizumi nodded and said he'd keep it then. Oikawa didn't say anything but smiled brightly.

After years of not seeing him, Iwaizumi had thought that his feelings towards Oikawa, like towards the other members of the imperial family, were entirely of respect; but from that night in the courtyard onwards, he'd realized that his feelings for Oikawa weren't just reverential. It was the beginnings of a crush that would grow until it was the kind of love that wrapped itself around his heart because to Iwaizumi, Oikawa Tooru wasn't just a prince and a figurehead. He was kind and caring and warm and present; he remembered the little boy he used to play with, even approached to ask if he was all right when he was upset, despite not having spoken to him in years. There was nobody else there and Iwaizumi was just a guard (a guard in _training_ at that point), so he had no ulterior motives.

That was who Oikawa was at his core: someone with a soft and gentle heart.

Oikawa wasn't just a symbol of the nation or an idea; he was a real person with a gentle heart that Iwaizumi wanted to protect for the rest of his life. It had been ingrained in Iwaizumi's mind that as samurai, his responsibility to society was to defend the nation and the imperial family; this was what he'd grown up thinking, what everything he learned after that was based on. Bushido defined his moral code but as a member of the Guard, if he was given a choice between anything and the Throne, the Throne was always his choice.

As he spent more and more time with Oikawa, Iwaizumi wasn't ready to really dwell on the hesitation he felt at choosing the Throne.

The first few months were difficult. Iwaizumi had expected them to be; he'd just barely finished his training and it wasn't exactly common for a prince to request someone so new to be his guard. Iwaizumi tried his best to remain professional and despite his personal feelings, attempted to keep their relationship cordial. Oikawa was as sweet and gentle as Iwaizumi knew him to be, but, honestly, he was also really _annoying,_ much more than Iwaizumi had expected. It wasn't something that he could tell by seeing Oikawa around the palace and when they were kids, _all_ kids were annoying to some degree, he'd thought Oikawa would grow out of it.

Oikawa, instead, grew into it. He continued to realize his full potential of being annoying.

He kept teasing Iwaizumi and at first, Iwaizumi had thought this was some kind of a test. It turned out that it _was_ a test, just not one to see how much Iwaizumi could handle. Iwaizumi realized only when he'd accidentally snapped at him; he cared for Oikawa so much, much more than a guard would for a prince, but Oikawa was still an absolute brat at times. However, Oikawa being childish didn't matter; as soon as Iwaizumi's words flew out of his mouth, he regretted them; aside from insulting a former childhood friend who he harbored feelings for, he'd also just called the second-in-line heir to the throne _Asskawa_ and Iwaizumi thought this might be how he died.

But then Oikawa laughed; he laughed and Iwaizumi had never heard something so sweet and wonderful.

_"No, I understand," Oikawa shook his head. "With how our society is, I don't mind if you act how you have been when we're around other people, but when we're alone, please don't feel like you have to act that way."_

_Oikawa stopped laughing and smiled. "You've always been my only friend, Iwa-chan. Please always know that I see you as that before my guard."_

He didn't know if Oikawa knew just how badly he could wreck Iwaizumi with a smile and few words.

They grew close over the years, more so than princes typically were with their guards; by now, Iwaizumi felt closer to Oikawa than he did to anyone else. There had always been a distance between them because of their positions, but when he was alone with Oikawa, he could _almost_ forget it because Oikawa was flirty, he was stupid, he was a pain, he was annoying, he was _human_. He was the prince, but more than that, he was _Tooru_ and Iwaizumi cared for him so deeply that words weren't enough to express how much he meant to him.

Iwaizumi wasn't the type to presume feelings, especially as a guard of the prince, but he'd come to realize that his feelings were reciprocated. Iwaizumi never intended to hide how he felt; if Oikawa asked point blank, he would answer. However, Oikawa never verbally asked; he'd simply grow bolder with his flirting to gauge Iwaizumi's responses and even with doing all this, Iwaizumi had never, ever felt pressured or uncomfortable. Oikawa was marvelously good at making sure he didn't accidentally exercise his influence; Iwaizumi wanted to tell Oikawa that he never had to worry about that around him, but already knew that Oikawa would continue to be hyper aware of it.

Oikawa was a prince and Iwaizumi was his guard in a society where the imperial family was respected with divinity; Oikawa, more than anyone else in the family, Iwaizumi felt, was cognizant of this, especially when they were together. He was relaxed in almost every aspect except when it came to the imbalance in power between them. He had always been aware of that so that it wouldn't seem as if he were using that at any point. Iwaizumi wouldn't even realize it until afterwards and then think about how exhausting it must be for Oikawa to constantly be aware about it.

To Iwaizumi, Oikawa was always Oikawa, the boy he'd played with as a kid and sworn to defend with his life. However, it was impossible to entirely cast aside the beliefs that had been ingrained in Iwaizumi's mind ever since he started schooling; Oikawa was first and foremost Oikawa Tooru to him, but there'd always be that part of his mind reminding him that Oikawa was also Prince Oikawa Tooru of the imperial family. It was why he could never fully relax around him the way he could around Hanamaki and Matsukawa, why even though they were close, Iwaizumi could never really see them as equals and, most importantly, why even though they felt the same way, Iwaizumi could absolutely never act on his feelings.

They'd never talked about it, but wordlessly knew how the other felt. Oikawa would tease and flirt with him, but then he would ask and make sure that it was still okay. Iwaizumi wouldn't bother to hide the way his gaze would linger on Oikawa with a softness in his eyes, especially in private. Their world was one where Oikawa could have anything and anyone he wanted, but he made sure to never let that be the case with him and Iwaizumi. If Oikawa was the sun, then Iwaizumi thought he was a grain of sand, and yet Oikawa treated him as an equal, made sure that he was always comfortable and never felt pressured or backed into a corner.

Oikawa was so kind that it was almost hard to breathe around him sometimes, Iwaizumi thought. He was annoying, _he was so annoying sometimes_ , but more than that, he was kind and gentle and there was no way that Iwaizumi would never have fallen in love with him.

Iwaizumi wasn't sure if he was being presumptuous, but there were a few times where he felt Oikawa was hinting at asking if he wanted their relationship to be more than just friends. Iwaizumi's heart said yes, it would've _screamed_ yes if Oikawa directly asked him, but his brain reminded him very quickly that if anyone found out, it would only tarnish Oikawa's reputation and Oikawa was so kind and so good and deserved only everyone's respect at all times.

Iwaizumi would always murmur some half-assed response but make sure to pointedly refer to him as _denka_ and Oikawa would smile softly and nod and change the topic.

Because when Iwaizumi called him _Oikawa_ or _Oikawa-sama_ , it was as a friend and as informal as he could allow himself to be with a prince. When he called him _denka_ it was his way of reminding Oikawa that even though they were close and they were friends, they were still worlds apart. Iwaizumi hoped Oikawa knew that he said no only to protect Oikawa; if they were in a different life where society wasn't so strictly stratified, he would absolutely drop everything to be with him.

"Hey, are you listening?"

"No," Iwaizumi answered honestly, rubbing his face. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"At least you're honest," Matsukawa mumbled, sitting up. "I asked if you wanted to come with me and Hanamaki to see the fireworks show tomorrow night. It's not a formal thing, but it'll be by the river."

"Tomorrow?" Iwaizumi echoed and frowned. "I didn't realize there was a festival."

"That's because there aren't any ceremonies to prepare for," Matsukawa answered with a light smile. "I wouldn't be surprised if denka didn't know either. It's pretty informal, just some stalls and games and a fireworks show at the end. It should be pretty fun, though."

Iwaizumi nodded. He didn't say anything, but could feel Matsukawa's expression change the longer he watched him, the longer Iwaizumi didn't say anything. He glanced around the room to make sure nobody was there before leaning in, hitting his arm. "…Iwaizumi, if you're going to try and sneak out—"

Matsukawa and Hanamaki were both a lot more perceptive than most people would give them credit for.

"I didn't say anything," Iwaizumi grumbled, crossing his arms. Matsukawa didn't say anything else, and so he sighed. "…I'll be with him, so it'll be fine. And it's just so people don't recognize him immediately."

Matsukawa waved his hand. "Didn't say it was a bad idea. Although, if you want to be with him, it might be better if—"

"Of course," Iwaizumi gave a slight smile and shook his head. "Don't worry, I won't spring him on you two with no warning. But he likes you two, if you do want to get to know him."

"We don't doubt that," Matsukawa answered. "It's just… he's the prince. He is for you too, but… it's hard to get over that and see him as anything but part of the imperial family."

Iwaizumi nodded and dropped his gaze to the ornate decoration on the table. He agreed with Matsukawa; if he hadn't met Oikawa when they were kids, he could easily see himself viewing Oikawa the same way that Hanamaki and Matsukawa did. However, that broke his heart because if he didn't meet Oikawa then, what if he hadn't met anyone else? Oikawa repeatedly told Iwaizumi he was his only friend; he'd say it with a grin and almost like he was joking, but Iwaizumi knew he wasn't.

Oikawa was charismatic and charming; the fact that he didn't have friends was solely because of the fear and reverence people held. Because of a title Oikawa never asked to have, people were afraid to approach him. Oikawa never talked about it, but Iwaizumi could tell from Oikawa's expression when he didn't think Iwaizumi was looking:

He was lonely.

He had to be, Iwaizumi thought. He'd felt that way when he lost his parents, even though he still had Hanamaki and Matsukawa. Oikawa wasn't close with his family, he didn't have other friends, and it was hard for him to form genuine relationships because people would always see him as a prince first and person second. If anything, they would only try and befriend him to take advantage of his kindness and if anyone tried to do that to Oikawa, Iwaizumi would cut their hand off before they could extend it.

It broke Iwaizumi's heart to think Oikawa was lonely and even if he spent as much time as he could with him, innate loneliness wasn't something that just one other person could fix, he thought.

"I'm going to go to bed," Iwaizumi said. "Thanks for telling me about the fireworks tomorrow."

Matsukawa gave a nod and tired smile, waving him off. Iwaizumi made his way to his room; the entire time he was washing up and getting ready for bed, he was thinking about Oikawa. He couldn't stop thinking about his expression from earlier that night; it wasn't often that Oikawa was serious for that long and Iwaizumi couldn't help but worry for him.

Blowing out the candle, Iwaizumi slipped under his covers with a sigh, closing his eyes. Immediately, the way Oikawa had smiled sprung to mind and Iwaizumi groaned, pulling the covers over his head, cheeks hot to the touch.

"...Asskawa…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> backstory done!! starting next chapter we get into the actual plot of the fic!! i don't think i've ever started a story with the two of them already in love and aware of it, but it would not be a multi-chaptered fic by me without some pain, so that will come later, i assure you
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments appreciated ♡


	3. …understand?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa immobilized him with his very existence, and yet he was the one who iwaizumi chased even in his dreams.

_"Are you busy tonight?"_

_Oikawa's eyes flicked to meet Iwaizumi's, chin still tilted downwards. "Don't you know my schedule better than I do, Iwaizumi-san?" he teased quietly, a corner of his lips twitching._

_Iwaizumi gazed at him impassively. He'd found Oikawa in one of the studies today. It had been a rare occurrence where Iwaizumi had other matters to take care of during the day, so he wasn't able to be at Oikawa's side; Iwaizumi wasn't one to push back when Mizogushi personally requested his assistance, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't be disappointed. Naturally, a prince wouldn't be left unguarded for an entire day, and so Kindaichi had been assigned to him. Iwaizumi liked Kindaichi, he really did, he just thought that it was cruel on Mizogushi's part to assign Kindaichi, known to be easily riled up and panicked, to Oikawa, known to be teasing and evil._

_("Evil" wasn't the word Mizogushi would use, but it certainly was the word Iwaizumi would use.)_

_Unsurprisingly, Kindaichi eventually lost track of Oikawa and was stammering apologies to Iwaizumi, who just gave a tired sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. Mizogushi had asked his help in running some lessons, which took up the entire day. As soon as they were finished, Iwaizumi had gone to where he had expected Oikawa to be, only to find Kindaichi alone and looking terrified. He'd told him that it was fine, he'd be able to find Oikawa, he wouldn't tell Mizogushi, that of course Iwaizumi wasn't mad, Oikawa had a lifetime of experience of evading his guards. He had to reassure Kindaichi that it was really, absolutely fine at least three times before it seemed like he could even breathe._

_Iwaizumi didn't tell him this, but he had a feeling that Mizogushi definitely knew this would happen; after all, as captain of the Guard, he was well acquainted with all members of the imperial family. He could've at least assigned Matsukawa, Iwaizumi thought, spared Kindaichi of the horrors of Oikawa._

_It had taken Iwaizumi longer to reassure Kindaichi than it did to find Oikawa. If he wasn't in his room or any of the courtyards (Kindaichi had already checked them all multiple times), then he was either wandering the hallways in deep thought or in the library. Iwaizumi had traced Oikawa's most familiar paths already and so he headed to one of the smaller studies that was filled to the brim with books. He had knocked twice and received no answer. Sighing, he then repeated the two knocks, waited a couple of seconds, then rapped his knuckles three times in quick succession. Only then did he hear Oikawa instruct him to come in._

_Three sides of the room were lined from edge to edge with bookshelves filled to the brim, the one gap only for the double doors that Iwaizumi had entered through. The wall opposite was of large windows, letting light flood in. Oikawa was relaxing in a chaise; he was holding one book, but Iwaizumi saw the small pile next to him, caught glimpses of writers he knew Oikawa liked._

_Oikawa glanced up with a smile, chirped that he knew Iwaizumi would find him. Iwaizumi glared, told him to stop stressing out Kindaichi. Oikawa beamed proudly._

_"I'm making sure you don't have any other diabolical plans in the works because you're bored," Iwaizumi retorted._

_Oikawa laughed and closed his book. He held it easily with one hand, spine to his palm, and crossed his legs, the weight of his chin cradled in his free hand. "I do not, Iwaizumi-san. Also, losing Kindaichi-san was hardly a plan. I truly didn't even try to, I just left while he was busy talking to Yahaba-san."_

_The image of Oikawa casually walking off while Kindaichi and Yahaba were talking was amusing, but Iwaizumi didn't have time to linger on that._

_"If you're not busy tonight, I have something in mind," Iwaizumi said and Oikawa stared at him. He blinked several times and smirked, setting the book down in his lap. The robes he wore were turquoise today; Iwaizumi wore the same uniform of a kimono and hakama almost everyday, but Oikawa tended to have more variety in his outfits. He seemed to favor the white and turquoise robes, though, and Iwaizumi would admit that he thought he looked the best in these colors._

_"Oh? Iwa-chan has a diabolical plan this time?" he teased. "That's new."_

_Iwaizumi scowled. He took a moment to glance over his shoulder to make sure the door was still closed before looking back to Oikawa. "It's not diabolical," he said evenly. " I'm just planning on sneaking you out to watch the fireworks."_

_Oikawa stared at him silently for several seconds in complete and utter silence._

_"…Just?"_

"This was easier than I thought it would be," Oikawa noted.

Iwaizumi smirked. "I may have overthought it."

"Or perhaps the rest of the guards aren't as vigilant as Iwa-chan is."

This was the first time that _Iwa-chan_ had been uttered while in the presence of so many other people and despite the busy, lively chattering, Oikawa's whisper seemed to be the only thing Iwaizumi could hear. Iwaizumi had lent him one of his own yukata and borrowed a kitsune mask from Matsukawa. Oikawa had teased that he hadn't thought he'd be wearing Iwaizumi's clothes so soon, to which Iwaizumi blushed, and Oikawa's further jests seemed to be forgotten when he saw the mask and his eyes lit up.

Bringing Oikawa the outfit had been easy; it was a matter of wearing a spare yukata underneath and going to Oikawa's chambers, a perfectly normal occurrence for Iwaizumi. Sneaking Oikawa out, however, was the tricky part because while Iwaizumi wearing two yukata and holding a kitsune mask seemed normal enough, Oikawa wearing a yukata and holding a kitsune mask was definitely abnormal. However, that would still be better than seeing someone unfamiliar _wearing_ the mask and walking through the halls; Iwaizumi had spent years building a reputation of being honest and trustworthy, but had a feeling that if Mizogushi saw him walking with a masked figure, he wouldn't just accept _he's not dangerous, don't worry._

Especially because Oikawa's default aura was a little suspicious.

The kitchen had a back entrance and Matsukawa told him that the staff would be off early that night because of the festival. Iwaizumi had timed it because of all the shift changes, the one after dinner was the only one with a gap of about ten minutes where there would be no guards between Oikawa's chambers and the kitchen and the palace gates. It had worked out almost too well; Oikawa shot Iwaizumi one last grin before he slipped on the mask and they were heading down a path they'd traversed hundreds of times, but this time Oikawa had an extra bounce in his step that Iwaizumi couldn't help but smile at.

It wasn't strange for two people who went to festivals together to walk side by side, but the way Iwaizumi stuck to Oikawa's side wasn't just as a friend. Even if Oikawa was intent on spending the night as an ordinary person, Iwaizumi was still his guard. He'd stayed either right behind or beside him for the most part; the only time he didn't was when it was too crowded and Iwaizumi would slip in front of Oikawa to lead him through the throngs of people. The first time this happened, Iwaizumi had reached a hand behind him, intending on finding Oikawa's wrist, but when he found his hand instead, neither of them let go.

It had been a while since Iwaizumi was at a festival; he'd almost forgotten just how deliriously crowded it could be, how people bumped against him seemingly no matter where he stood, how it was all too easy to lose the person he came with. His grip on Oikawa's hand was tight, even knowing that the last thing Oikawa would want to do was to slip _away_ from Iwaizumi.

"Iwa-chan, can we get one?"

Oikawa's voice had been a bit muffled because of the mask and a single voice would expectedly be drowned out by a crowd of murmurs. But to Iwaizumi, logic never existed when it came to Oikawa; despite the mask and the chattering, Oikawa's voice was the only thing he could focus on. He gave a nod and stepped to the side, hand letting go of Oikawa's only at the last minute to pull out a small pouch of coins as they approached the dango stand. "Didn't we just have soba…?" he mumbled, counting out enough coins for two skewers. They'd played a few games earlier; Oikawa was annoyingly good at everything, Iwaizumi thought, and gave all the prizes he'd won to the kids who had crowded around him to watch.

Even with the mask on, Iwaizumi smiled because he could tell how happy Oikawa was to be able to do this.

Oikawa huffed indignantly. "It's a _celebration_ , Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi thanked the merchant when he handed him his two skewers. Oikawa immediately reached out for one and Iwaizumi glared at him, holding them out of reach after adjusting his grip so he could hold both in one hand without any of the dango touching each other. "Hold on, idiot. Not yet."

"Iwa-chan…!"

His whine was more than mollified when Iwaizumi took his hand again, clasping it tightly and turning away before Oikawa could see the blush warming his cheeks. Iwaizumi led him back through the crowd of people, but while most were heading towards the open square area, Iwaizumi veered them off the path. Their sandals were soon traversing grass instead of dirt and there were fewer and fewer people until almost none remained. Even then, Iwaizumi continued to lead them down a grassy bank, letting go of Oikawa's hand only when they reached a large willow tree. Its trunk was more than wide enough for two people to lean against and the drooping branches created a canopy that would more than easily hide them, yet gave way to a view of the sky. Oikawa had been complaining about how far they were walking but when they reached the spot, he was smiling even before he fully removed his mask.

The night time was sweet, yukata a refreshing change from his daily kimono, hakama, and kataginu. He'd grown accustomed to it, even felt proud to wear something so symbolic, feel his sword pressed to his waist and held to him by his obi, but it was always a relief to wear something so light and casual. If he felt this way, he couldn't imagine how Oikawa felt, freed of his layers of robes. He looked over and saw how brightly he smiled, couldn't help but feel a flutter in his chest.

"Iwa-chan, can I call _this_ a date?"

"Call it whatever you want," Iwaizumi mumbled, handing him his skewer. Oikawa kept staring at him and he sighed, gave in to the warmth spreading beneath his skin. "…But yeah. Fine. Call it that."

Oikawa beamed so brightly that Iwaizumi had to physically look away; he just scoffed again, mumbled _stupid_ under his breath. Oikawa gave a short laugh; he took a seat against the tree first and Iwaizumi sat on his other side, blocking him further from where they'd come, the mask resting comfortably on Oikawa's other side. "How did Iwa-chan know about this place?"

"I played here a lot with Hanamaki and Matsukawa when we were kids," he answered, eating the first dango. "It's good for fireworks too. It's further away, but that way you don't have to hurt your neck, and there aren't many people here."

Oikawa hummed. "I hadn't realized you take fireworks shows so seriously."

"You like them, so of course I do."

Iwaizumi didn't think twice about what he said until Oikawa mumbled _thank you_ in a way that had Iwaizumi's cheeks erupting in a flush even without looking at Oikawa. His fingers reflexively clasped Oikawa's hand tighter; they'd never held hands before tonight, and yet this seemed as natural as standing by Oikawa's side. Their hands fit so well together and Oikawa's skin was so soft, so warm against his. He felt Oikawa's hand shifting and immediately loosened his grip, but before he could lose the contact between their palms, Oikawa laced their fingers together.

Iwaizumi didn't quite understand how his breath hitched but lungs filled with air anyway. All they were doing was holding hands, and it felt like both the easiest and most tantalizing thing in the world.

"And thank you," Oikawa continued quietly, "for taking the risk to sneak me out. It would've been a lot easier to just accompany me as the guard, but… thank you."

Oikawa smiled.

"…This makes me really happy."

Even though Iwaizumi hadn't seen him all day, he had a feeling that Oikawa was still feeling down from yesterday. He'd seen him briefly in the morning, before Mizogushi had come to request his presence and left Kindaichi in his wake. Oikawa seemed normal enough and Iwaizumi even overheard one of the maids murmur that Oikawa was even more handsome than usual today. The way Oikawa carried himself in public was a very carefully and well-crafted persona; he was very good at slipping into that character, had probably done so so often that it almost felt like his default even when he was with Iwaizumi. Even if he hadn't been born a prince, Iwaizumi was sure that he'd still emanate a royal aura; there was something that was innate to Oikawa that commanded respect and attention, whether or not his title did.

But Iwaizumi could see the difference, that his polite smiles were masking fatigue instead of hollowness today. He'd spent all day thinking about it and was only too relieved when the lessons were over. He had been sure to ask Mizogushi if he could have the evening off; he wasn't originally scheduled for a shift, but Mizogushi would occasionally ask him for a last minute task that would easily wear into the night. Iwaizumi understood that it was because he trusted him and he was honored, but tonight he absolutely had to make sure he could be with Oikawa.

He knew that Oikawa's turmoil was something that he couldn't solve. He hated feeling helpless, but this was something Oikawa had to work through himself and all Iwaizumi could do was support him however he could. He was just a guard; there was very little he could do, but what was in his control was to help Oikawa forget for just one night. For just one night, Iwaizumi could sneak Oikawa out of the palace, blend him into a crowd of people so that Oikawa could feel normal and not idolized for just one night.

It was only one night, but as long as he smiled and had a good time, Iwaizumi thought it would be more than worth it.

"I'm surprised you were willing to take the risk, though," Oikawa continued with a small smile. "Iwa-chan's such a star guard. On the off chance someone found out… well, I would certainly do my best to ensure you would not be severely punished, but, unfortunately, my word isn't exactly absolute."

Iwaizumi gave a small shrug. "I don't mind if Mizogushi-san punishes me for this. As long as you have a good time, it's all that matters," he answered easily. "Whether you're here as Prince Oikawa Tooru or Oikawa Tooru, I'll be by your side to make sure you're okay, so from that point of view, nothing's different."

He ate another dango. "I just think you'd have a better time as the latter."

Iwaizumi didn't hear a response at first and didn't think much about it, took the silence to finish his dango and figured Oikawa was doing the same. What had him looking over wasn't the sound of Oikawa's voice; it was him squeezing his hand. He saw Oikawa's gaze fixated on their laced fingers; Iwaizumi's brow knitted and when he murmured his name, Oikawa looked up at last, eyes dark.

"…Iwaizumi," he said quietly and Iwaizumi immediately felt his heart leap to his throat. "Do you see me as a prince or as… just me?"

Oikawa's gaze was so intense it left Iwaizumi feeling dizzy, just from looking back at him. Something flickered in his eyes; Oikawa was normally so self-assured, so confident in everything he did. They were friends, but even so, Oikawa had hardly ever let his guard down entirely and Iwaizumi had never thought twice about it. He was a prince, surely burdened with things he couldn't tell Iwaizumi, no matter how close they were because despite their feelings for each other, they were loyal to the Throne above all else.

Or, rather, that was what Iwaizumi was led to believe his entire life.

Oikawa's expression was stern and his gaze was even, but what was flickering in his eyes was anything but. There was something quietly desperate that Iwaizumi hadn't seen before; it left him breathless and for just a moment, for the first time in his life, the person in front of him was entirely, wholly, utterly Oikawa Tooru. There was no title associated with him, no imperial status; Iwaizumi didn't think about the Emperor or the Throne, he didn't think about anything except the little boy he'd caught frogs with, the teenager who had shown him such unconditional kindness, and the young adult he'd spent the better part of a decade in love with.

"Hey, Iwaizumi!"

Iwaizumi's breath had been a slow, almost unnoticeable exhale, but the sound of a voice drew air in sharply. Oikawa turned immediately and had his back towards him as he pulled on the mask. Iwaizumi stumbled to his feet, shoulders tense as he spun around, but immediately relaxed to see it was just Hanamaki. His wide eyes narrowed with a glare, arms folding loosely over his chest. "Hanamaki."

Hanamaki grinned as he came fully into view, jogging steps slowing. "Why do you look so pissed to see me? Come on, we're friends."

"You scared me," Iwaizumi answered. Hanamaki came to a stop in front of him with a grin that Iwaizumi couldn't help but return with a smirk. In another life, Iwaizumi thought that Hanamaki and Oikawa could be good friends. Hanamaki was dry and witty, more so than Iwaizumi, and Oikawa was unfortunately clever with his words. They could be horribly annoying together, he thought, but Oikawa would probably like him.

It was just unfortunate that it seemed unlikely for them to become friends in this life.

"Why aren't you with Matsukawa? Thought he said you two would be coming together right after dinner," Iwaizumi said, reflexively shaking his head when Hanamaki offered him some mochi. Iwaizumi immediately regretted not accepting; Oikawa would probably want some, but he didn't want to draw attention to him by checking. The goal of the night was for Oikawa to forget that he was a prince and to shed his title and status, but that would be impossible if Hanamaki knew who he was; he'd mean well, but there was no way that Hanamaki could treat Oikawa the way he'd treat Iwaizumi, at least not so abruptly. Shedding the status quo he'd known for his entire life was difficult; Iwaizumi, more than anyone, knew that.

"Cleanup ran long; Miya-dono is visiting in the next few days, I think, so lots of preparing. And shouldn't I be asking the same thing?" Hanamaki answered, taking another bite of the kuzumochi, bits of powder spilling onto his yukata. "Matsukawa said you didn't want to hang out with us. What, you're here by yourself?"

"I made plans with someone but they fell through," Iwaizumi answered, thinking that Oikawa had managed to hide himself in the shadows if Hanamaki hadn't noticed him. He cleared his throat. "Actually, I think I'll take some of those mochi after all. Since I'm alone and all."

"Then why don't you come with me to find Matsukawa?" Hanamaki drawled, tilting his head, but holding out the kuzumochi to him. "Your logic's off tonight, Iwaizumi. Your friend bailed, so just hang out with your other friends. You can have the rest, it's too sweet for me."

Matsukawa had a busy day today and Hanamaki had as well, preparing for the Atsumu's visit; it wasn't unreasonable for them to not have had a chance to talk since last night, and so Hanamaki wouldn't know that Iwaizumi was intending to come with Oikawa. He stepped forward to take the dessert; as soon as he moved, he could see Hanamaki's eyes flick behind him. "Hey," he heard as he stepped back, cradling the tray in his hands, "you're with someone, aren't you? Thought you said your friend couldn't make it. By the way, you don't _have_ any other friends."

"You don't know that," Iwaizumi glared, tried to play off the sudden way his heart lurched.

"I do," Hanamaki retorted with a smirk. "You have exactly three friends, and two of them are me and Matsukawa. And with the third's influence, you should ask him to get you some of the stuff we're making for Miya-dono's dinner. It's really good. Don't tell him, but I've been stealing scraps."

"I'm not going to ask him to do that," Iwaizumi said tiredly, ears prickling because he knew Oikawa was listening.

"Why not? You don't even have to ask because of how much he likes you, just mention you like squid or sea bream—"

"He'd kind, it doesn't mean he's a pushover," Iwaizumi said immediately and Hanamaki gave an annoyingly easy laugh, shaking his head.

"You don't have to defend him to me, you know. And I'm not even saying it in that rumored 'prince is too nice for his own good' way, I'm saying it as 'the prince is a good person' way. I swear you've gotten even more defensive about him."

Hanamaki's smirk widened and glanced over his shoulder again, jerked his chin. "So, who's your mysterious fourth friend? Hey," he called, craning his neck, "are you a guard too?"

"Hanamaki," Iwaizumi said and took a step to try and block his view. "You should go find Matsukawa. He doesn't like waiting."

"Matsukawa's the only one out of us three who _can_ wait," Hanamaki said, staring at him incredulously. "What's up, Iwaizumi? You're acting weird. Is it because of your friend? What, are you on a date?"

Iwaizumi's stomach dropped as he watched Hanamaki's frown deepen while he started to take a step forward. Another thing that he and Oikawa had in common was that when they were curious, it was hard to get them to drop the subject; Iwaizumi could probably get Oikawa to do so if it was a legitimately serious matter, but he and Hanamaki were so close with no reservations at all that he didn't know if he'd be able to do so.

Nevertheless, he took another step, hand to Hanamaki's chest. "He's—uh, he's shy. Just go find Matsukawa, all right?"

"…Iwaizumi," Hanamaki said slowly, "you're acting _really_ weird. Everything's okay, right? Who the hell are you with?"

He lowered his voice, "Hey, do you need me to go get Matsukawa? Are you being held hostage—"

"For fuck's sake—if I were in trouble, you'd be really lousy at being secretive about it, and no, I'm fine, just-!"

"It's all right."

Hanamaki's eyes widened at the voice while Iwaizumi just sighed, rubbing his face tiredly. He heard the sounds of Oikawa's footsteps draw closer until he came to a stop next to him, smooth sound of ribbon indicating he was slipping off the mask. "Good evening, Hanamaki-san," Oikawa greeted politely, voice clear and even. "I assure you that Iwaizumi-san is fine."

"Denka—" Hanamaki inhaled sharply and stumbled back several steps before bowing deeply. "I apologize, I hadn't realized—"

"Please don't apologize, Hanamaki-san. The purpose of the mask was to conceal my identity. Iwaizumi-san's behavior was also to support that objective," Oikawa said with the same practiced smile. "I apologize for the confusion he may have caused."

"Not at all, denka," Hanamaki replied immediately and bowed again. When he caught Iwaizumi's eyes, he just stared at him incredulously, the most microscopic of movements conveying his bewildered _you snuck the Prince out of the palace?!_ Iwaizumi glared back tiredly, narrowed his eyes to retort _and it was going fine until you showed up._

"Would you and Matsukawa-san care to join us?" Oikawa asked politely, but the way he asked was a way Iwaizumi had heard hundreds of times, an easygoing tone he used when he already knew the answer before he'd finished his question.

"We—ah, that's very kind of you, denka, but we're sure you'd rather be with Iwaizumi-san—"

In all the time he'd known Hanamaki, Iwaizumi had never seen him struggle so badly for words. Even when he was speaking with Oikawa about menus or answering his random, one-off questions about food, he was generally calm and well-spoken; food was his expertise, but Iwaizumi would have thought that a normal conversation would be even easier. He watched him with unveiled amusement and finally gave a sigh, shaking his head, decided to put an end to his obvious suffering.

"…Just excuse yourself and leave," Iwaizumi mumbled and he heard Oikawa laugh quietly beside him.

Hanamaki nodded and bowed again. "Have a good evening, denka. Please enjoy the fireworks."

He turned and disappeared quickly up the hill slope he'd come down; Iwaizumi waited until he was out of sight to hold up the kuzumochi for Oikawa. It was silent for a few moments; Iwaizumi wasn't quite sure what to say, didn't want to further break the night's trance but also didn't quite feel right to entirely gloss over it. "Here," he said instead and held out the mochi. "Figured you'd like this."

Oikawa whined and Iwaizumi's lips twitched at the immediate change in attitude. "I feel bad stealing Makki's food…"

Iwaizumi didn't say anything as Oikawa took the tray even before he'd finished talking.

"…So why are you eating it as you say that?"

Oikawa flashed a grin but it faded before he fully turned. Iwaizumi's face set into a frown; as Oikawa started to walk back to where they'd been sitting, Iwaizumi reached out to gently take the crook of his arm, fingers curling over the cotton. "Hey," he said quietly, "what's wrong?"

Oikawa wasn't facing him, but his quarter profile allowed Iwaizumi to catch a glimpse of the way he was pressing his lips into a thin line. Iwaizumi murmured his name warningly; as a guard, he'd never press the prince unless he had to, but as his friend, Iwaizumi would certainly do so. Oikawa lingered just another moment before looking up with a small, honest smile. "…You know you're my only friend, right?"

Iwaizumi blinked. "…What?"

"You know that," Oikawa continued easily, using the wooden stick to poke at the last piece of mochi in the tray, "so it's really very kind of you to take me to this instead of going with Hanamaki-san and Matsukawa-san. But you don't have to worry about me. I would've been fine just watching from my balcony—"

"…What?" Iwaizumi repeated, his frown deepening. He took a step closer, but his hand didn't move from Oikawa's elbow. "What are you talking about?"

"Matsukawa-san and Hanamaki-san asked you if you wanted to go with them, didn't they?" Oikawa asked softly with a small smile, eyes meeting Iwaizumi's for just a moment. "You could've said yes. You don't always have to spend time with me, I don't expect that—"

"Hey."

Iwaizumi let go of Oikawa's elbow, opted instead to gently tap his knuckle against his forehead. Oikawa jerked in surprise, but from his expression, it was obvious it hadn't hurt. His free hand came up to touch the spot where Iwaizumi's knuckles had been as he stared at him and Iwaizumi frowned. "Like you said, I could have said yes. I didn't ask you instead because of pity, Oikawa-sama. I asked you because I want to spend time with you."

"We spend so much time together," Oikawa pressed, averting his eyes again. "I always enjoy our time together, but you have other friends—"

"I spend time with them, you know," Iwaizumi said with a wry smile when Oikawa looked back to him. "I usually see Matsukawa in the morning or evening and throughout the day. We hang out with Hanamaki on the nights off where I'm not with you and sometimes during our lunch breaks, if they line up. Besides, you've always made it clear that us spending time together outside of my shifts is entirely my choice, and I'm choosing to spend it with you. You're my friend. Of course I want to spend time with you."

"That's really kind of you to say, Iwaizumi," Oikawa mumbled and Iwaizumi twitched. "But—"

"I want to spend time with you, because…"

Iwaizumi paused. This time he broke eye contact; his shoulders rounded as the weight of what he was about to say tried to slip back down his throat. He licked his lips and took a deep breath.

"…The way you make me feel, it's something nobody else can make me feel and it's only when I'm with you."

He cleared his throat.

"You, as in Oikawa, not… denka."

A whistle sounded in the distance; the fireworks show was about to start, and yet neither of them moved, despite both standing in a spot where the willow's branches blocked their view. Iwaizumi feared that his blush was so vibrant from the warmth he felt that it outweighed the darkness of the shadows. He shifted; Oikawa knowing how he felt was one thing, but Iwaizumi alluding to it was another entirely. Ears perking to hear Oikawa murmur his name softly, he took another moment to collect before daring to raise his gaze to meet Oikawa's.

Iwaizumi was met with such an earnest and gentle smile that he swore all the air in his lungs escaped because he wanted to give it all to Oikawa. His eyes were shimmering even with how dark it was and the cool night breeze was just a hair too late in raising goosebumps over his skin. "Thank you," Oikawa whispered and Iwaizumi dropped his eyes, unable to keep looking at him because he was looking at him with _so much_ emotion that Iwaizumi didn't feel like he deserved any of it. Despite Iwaizumi's eyes focusing intently on some creature that kept surfacing its head in the lake (likely a frog, but _what if_ it was a new mini monster?), all he could feel was Oikawa watching him, the intensity of which didn't seem to match how gentle his smile was.

"Iwa-chan, you make me so happy," Oikawa continued in a voice barely above a whisper that sent the hairs on the back of Iwaizumi's neck rising. Against better judgment of tempering his blush, Iwaizumi found himself turning to face him again, heart dropping because Oikawa's soft smile seemed to become even sweeter. The first firework whistled into the sky; it exploded in a flurry of color that Iwaizumi only saw through a reflection on Oikawa's skin and in his eyes, hues of reds and oranges mixing with the pink already existing on his cheeks, creating the most beautiful sunset Iwaizumi had ever seen. "I don't think you realize, do you? Just how much you mean to me and just how much you've saved me."

Oikawa had always had a certain way of looking at people, even in his practiced and sometimes cold manner. But right now, he wasn't practiced and he wasn't cold; he was so natural and so warm, looking at Iwaizumi with an abundance of kindness that it left him unable to gather his wits to reply. Iwaizumi was very good at his role. For years he had been able to separate his personal from his professional feelings but when he was with Oikawa, there was no boundary; the way he felt for him was all encompassing and he counted it lucky that it drove him to be even more protective of him. Because Oikawa stole his breath with a smile and gave it back with a smirk, left him numb with a brush of their shoulders and electrocuted him with grazing their hands. Oikawa immobilized him with his very existence, and yet he was the one who Iwaizumi chased even in his dreams.

Iwaizumi wondered, really wondered, just how much love one person could hold for another and how he held more than that for Oikawa.

Instead, Iwaizumi took Oikawa's free hand, the one unburdened with the bamboo tray. He'd been standing a bit away, no more than a long stride, but enough that as he held Oikawa's hand, he bowed slightly at the waist to graze his lips against the back of his knuckles.

Oikawa's skin carried the scent of incense, while Iwaizumi's yukata smelled faintly of smoke—Iwaizumi didn't smoke and didn't care to, but many other members of the Guard did and the smell was absolutely everywhere. He'd never thought much about it until now, when both of them existed at once in this moment, the way the two of them would live in this memory forever. Lingering for a moment, Iwaizumi pulled back only enough so his lips had lost their contact and flicked his eyes to meet Oikawa's.

Another firework shot up, skinny and quick, bloomed in the sky and cascaded lights briefly over them.

"...Understand?" he asked quietly.

Oikawa smiled in a way that was so burdened with love that Iwaizumi's lips tingled to kiss him again but managed to refrain himself because Oikawa was Oikawa, wholly and truly so, but he was also the prince and even in this moment, when he could be just _Tooru_ , tomorrow he'd be the prince again and Iwaizumi his guard.

He smiled faintly, lowered his eyes along with Oikawa's hand and straightened. "Tooru," he said quietly after a moment.

The sky lit up again, casted shadow on the ground spoiling Oikawa's otherwise unnoticeable step forward. Iwaizumi raised his eyes to see Oikawa was close, he was so close and it was absolutely intoxicating, but Iwaizumi stayed exactly where he was, held his breath as he waited for Oikawa to do as he wanted. Oikawa's eyes closed even before he started to lean in, foreheads leaning together and Iwaizumi relaxed. He exhaled at the same time Oikawa sighed, their breaths warming the space between them and in that moment, they weren't a guard and prince, they weren't Iwaizumi and Oikawa, they weren't two people, they were just…

... _there_.

Iwaizumi's lips tingled, his hand twitched, his heart raced, and yet when he heard Oikawa's voice, everything stopped to be able to focus entirely and wholly on him, on the single word he uttered and Iwaizumi smiled.

"...Hajime."

* * *

Oikawa didn't particularly enjoy traveling, especially because he didn't really like Ushijima Wakatoshi, Lord of Shiratorizawa.

He always asked for the smallest travel party possible, and yet, he still thought there were about fifty people too many. Oikawa didn't enjoy palanquins either, but he kept that complaint to himself because it was a privilege to get to be _inside_ rather than to be the one carrying it. The one good thing about traveling to Shiratorizawa was its proximity; it was only a few days away, whereas his brother and father's seemingly unfortunately frequent trips to Edo took almost two weeks. It wasn't often that he would be asked to visit the provinces; his father traveled the most often and his brother second, given he would take the Throne. However, as the imperial family, it was important for them to make appearances and with the two of them busy, Oikawa would occasionally have to make a trip, to his chagrin.

On the bright side, he'd get to be out of the palace and Oikawa would take the little wins.

The journey was uneventful. They stopped to rest in small towns or post-stations along the way and throughout the day, Oikawa occasionally poked his head out the palanquin to check on his party (he meant well, but people always flinched when he did this). If he saw anyone seeming too tired, he'd immediately request a break. Some of the higher-ranking advisors tried to protest, said it could delay their arrival and Oikawa would stare at them until they apologized and had everyone stop.

On the nights where they had some time before they needed to sleep, Oikawa would spend his free time with Iwaizumi, either talking or playing shogi. Some of the towns they stayed at were so small and while Oikawa didn't mind, the places they spent the night didn't have much moonlight to illuminate their lodgings. Oikawa didn't mind; sleep was sleep, but knew that while Iwaizumi wasn't exactly afraid of the dark, he certainly didn't appreciate pitch blackness. There had been one town where there was only one room that had a window to allow moonlight; Oikawa had asked Iwaizumi to sleep with him, explained that he wanted his guard right by his side for the benefit of the advisors in earshot.

Iwaizumi had seemed dubious of reasoning but had nodded. _"Of course, denka."_

Then looked up and smiled faintly. _"…Thank you."_

Oikawa was a bit sore when they arrived, hoped this was one of those times where the soreness would go away quickly instead of intensify into more severe aching. Iwaizumi was at his side by the time his feet touched the ground and Oikawa smiled at the palanquin carriers, thanked them. They hurriedly bowed and as Oikawa began walking, gravel crunching beneath his feet and Iwaizumi following, he glanced over and smiled. "Iwaizumi-san."

Iwaizumi's lips gave no indication, but his eyes creased with a smirk. "Denka."

Oikawa purposely slowed his pace to extend his walk, smoothed his robes, despite silk not tending to wrinkle easily. "Please remind me to request something extra for the palanquin carriers at dinner," he murmured, "they really do work hard… actually, remind me to request something extra for everyone except the advisors. They don't do much."

Iwaizumi laughed breathily. "Yes, denka."

He could already see Tendou waiting for him at the entrance of the estate, Ushijima by his side, along with several maids and other guards. Oikawa wasn't being biased in the slightest to think that not only did Iwaizumi look better in the typical guard uniform, that their colors were nicer and Iwaizumi, in general, looked much more respectable. Oikawa didn't blame Tendou, of course. He blamed Ushijima.

Oikawa hummed, drew his shoulders straight; Iwaizumi immediately took a step closer to him. "Yes, denka."

Oikawa took a deep breath, like he was going to say something important.

"Show-off."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Well?"

"…Yes, denka," Iwaizumi murmured at last, voice holding the slightest of edges. Oikawa covered his laugh with a cough as they approached; he stopped just shy of the steps, smiled easily as Ushijima and Tendou bowed deeply.

"Denka," Ushijima spoke, "we hope your travels went smoothly and thank you for joining us."

"Thank you," Oikawa returned politely, "it is my pleasure to be here."

"Tendou-san will show you to your room," Ushijima continued, holding his hands behind his back. "I trust you will wish to rest before dinner. If you need anything, please do not hesitate to let us know."

"Thank you for your hospitality, Ushijima-dono," Oikawa said easily, practiced words with a smile he'd worn so often that he was thinking through shogi strategies while carrying on this conversation. "I look forward to seeing you again at dinner."

The Ushijima estate was vast and Oikawa pretended his bias absolutely had nothing to do with thinking that even though he didn't enjoy the palace, he still much preferred it. Oikawa had no tangible reason for not liking Ushijima; he was well-spoken, polite, and well-intentioned, but on their first meeting, he'd made a comment that had rubbed Oikawa the wrong way, mentioned turquoise was a gaudy color (in his defense, Oikawa hadn't been wearing it that day; otherwise, surely even Ushijima wouldn't be so blunt as to insult the prince to his face) and why Iwaizumi was always scowling. He'd even given Ushijima the benefit of the doubt, thought that it had just been him.

Then later night, he'd mentioned it to Iwaizumi and when Iwaizumi actually _agreed_ with him (about turquoise, that was), Oikawa felt so entirely justified and validated, thus beginning Iwaizumi and Oikawa's quiet, petty dislike of a perfectly respectable person. It wasn't as if Oikawa ever acted on his dislike; it was just something to keep him amused and occupied. Sometimes people didn't like each other and it so happened, Ushijima just happened to fall out of his favor.

Thanking Tendou once they arrived at the room where he would be staying, Oikawa waited patiently for him to open the doors. He bowed, once again reassured him that if he needed anything, to please let him know, and took his leave. Oikawa strolled into the room and took a look around as the maids brought in his clothes and personal effects. Iwaizumi stood quietly to the side and Oikawa was examining a piece of art when he heard him ask the maids to leave.

"Yes, Iwaizumi-san."

Oikawa waited until the door closed to look over his shoulder with a smirk. "You're growing bold, Iwa-chan, dismissing my maids for me."

Iwaizumi returned his smirk. "If you'd like to rest, I can leave too. I'll come back when it's dinner."

"Nonsense," Oikawa waved his hand and took a seat on a chaise. "Just rest here with me. Iwa-chan can take the bed."

"I'm—I'm not taking your bed!"

Oikawa laughed. His smile had faded even before the sound; he'd cast his gaze out the window when he heard Iwaizumi what was wrong and drummed his fingers against his arm. "How can you always tell when something's upsetting me so quickly?"

"The same way you're too good at almost pissing me off when we're with other people," Iwaizumi answered and Oikawa's lips twitched. He heard him approach and come to a stop; he wasn't standing in Oikawa's line of sight, but he was close enough that Oikawa could feel his presence, smell the incense lingering in his clothes. "What's the matter?" he repeated.

Oikawa sighed.

"Asking as my guard or my friend?" he teased lightly.

Iwaizumi's answer was immediate: "Your friend, of course."

At that, Oikawa cast his gaze over with a small smile. He shifted to be more comfortable, resting an arm along the back of the chaise and cradled his chin; he folded one ankle under his layers of robes, managing to do so with practiced fluidity. "So then you'll be honest with me?"

"Yes."

Iwaizumi shifted so that he could see him more comfortably and Oikawa gazed at him evenly.

"…Are people spreading rumors about you because of me?"

A few weeks had passed since the fireworks show. Hanamaki, who was usually so poised that he was forgettable, suddenly couldn't bring himself to look at Oikawa for more than a few seconds without seeming nervous. Oikawa had asked Iwaizumi about it and he said he'd talk to him, to which Oikawa told him there was no need and Iwaizumi sounded like a father talking about a rowdy son.

Iwaizumi had glared.

On a night where Oikawa told Iwaizumi he had some personal matters to attend to, he'd slipped down to the kitchens. There were a few cooks and maids still there, either preparing for tomorrow's meals or cleaning. Miya Atsumu had visited a couple of weeks ago; Oikawa managed to avoid having to see him, but even as he walked through the halls, he could hear his grating, obnoxious laughter. He much preferred the company of Miya Osamu, who was more quiet and refined, but would occasionally say something that threatened Oikawa's lips into a smirk.

Atsumu, though, was really just a pain. It was amazing how two people could look that alike but be that different.

_"Good evening," Oikawa greeted calmly from the entryway. Immediately, everyone froze and bowed, 'good evening, denka' rippling through the kitchen, Hanamaki close to the back and one of the first to bow. Oikawa was amused to hear the sound of a fruit falling and rolling away as a pot clanged; he almost felt bad for interrupting, even though he'd stood by the door for almost ten minutes waiting for a lull in activity. "I apologize for disturbing you, but may I have a minute with Hanamaki-san?"_

_Hanamaki looked like his soul had left his body._

_Oikawa waited patiently as everyone else filed out of the room, bowing to him as they passed and leaving Hanamaki with either concerned or suspicious looks. Oikawa smiled when they were alone; his cheeks were already beginning to ache and he hadn't even gotten to the point where he'd definitely need to smile to, hopefully, keep Hanamaki at ease so he'd answer his questions. "Hanamaki-san, I apologize for finding you like this. I had hoped there would be fewer people."_

_"Not at all, denka," Hanamaki said immediately. "What may I do for you?"_

_"It's nothing bad," Oikawa said and Hanamaki didn't relax as much as he thought he would. "I wanted to ask you about something you'd mentioned that night at the fireworks show about Iwaizumi-san."_

_Hanamaki's eyes widened, but Oikawa could see him visibly relax otherwise as he straightened, leading Oikawa to wonder what kind of secrets he had that he was afraid for Oikawa to find out about-something worse than stealing scraps of food? He nodded, dried his hands on a towel. "Oh, of course. What can I clarify for you?"_

_Oikawa inhaled slowly and glanced to the side to see an apple. He stared at it for a moment too long before tearing his eyes away, moving to hold his hands behind his back. "You said that Iwaizumi-san defends me," he said and Hanamaki nodded. "…What did you mean? And please don't lie, Hanamaki-san."_

_He smiled._

_"I'm very adept at sensing dishonesty and have been told I can be quite intimidating when I want to be."_

_Hanamaki flinched and gave a sharp nod. He hesitated and glanced at Oikawa, reaching over to grab the apple he'd been staring at. Oikawa watched as he picked up a paring knife and began to peel it expertly, turning it slowly in his hands, the skin coming off in one smooth piece. He'd lost the ease he had just a few moments ago; Oikawa wondered if he was considering whether it would be going against Iwaizumi to divulge this information._

_Oikawa normally would respect Hanamaki wanting to be a good friend to Iwaizumi, but Oikawa didn't like the idea of Iwaizumi being maliciously talked about and him not knowing about it._

_"Hanamaki-san," he prompted quietly._

_He inhaled sharply and nodded, clearing his throat. "…You're very well liked, denka," Hanamaki started. "There aren't many people who are foolish enough to openly denounce the Throne, but you, in particular, are spoken highly of for your kindness and grace."_

_Oikawa nodded easily, managed to bay his impatience. "Thank you. But…?" he prompted._

_Hanamaki sucked in the corner of his mouth and finished peeling the apple. He retrieved a plate and began to cut up the fruit into pieces. "But… there are some idiots," Hanamaki said. He kept the core and pushed the plate towards Oikawa wordlessly, who gave a small smile and thanked him, picking up a slice and began to eat it. "They're just looking for anything to say, really, and because they can't find anything otherwise, they… use how close you are with Iwaizumi-san against you."_

_Oikawa nodded, taking another bite of the apple slice he held delicately between his fingers. Hanamaki had started eating the core and Oikawa immediately frowned at that; he reached out to push the plate halfway between them. "Please."_

_Hanamaki stiffened. "N-no, I couldn't—"_

_"Hanamaki-san, I'm here to ask you about your friend and I'm certainly not doing so in my capacity as the prince," Oikawa said quietly._

_Hanamaki hesitated. "Still, I—"_

_Oikawa sighed, very used to this game. "All right. Then as the prince, I'm commanding you to share this apple with me."_

_"…"_

_"…"_

_"…Well, I mean, if you put it that way…"_

_It was the first genuine smirk Hanamaki had given in Oikawa's presence that wasn't meant for Iwaizumi. Oikawa finished his slice and waited until he saw Hanamaki take a bite to take another slice. "What are they saying about me, then?" he asked quietly._

_Hanamaki shrugged slightly and leaned a hip against the counter. Oikawa was amused at how much he'd relaxed; he wondered if Hanamaki was even conscious of it. Most people would be but from how he'd seen him act with Iwaizumi, it was easy for Oikawa to think that his polite, put together demeanor was an incredibly conscious effort for him._

_"…They say you're too kind," Hanamaki said, frowning. "Which… isn't even that bad a thing to say about someone, in my opinion. But it's because they usually also go on to say that how close you are with Iwaizumi-san shows your naivety, that you're too trusting… that you can be taken advantage of… I don't believe this, of course, denka—"_

_"And that's what Iwaizumi-san defends me against?"_

_"Of course," Hanamaki said. "If he hears any whispers, he puts an end to them. He's committed to ensuring your reputation remains untarnished."_

_Oikawa held his half-eaten piece to his lips, nails digging into the flesh. From what Hanamaki said, it didn't sound like the rumors about him were that bad—he'd expected much worse and, not that he would tell Hanamaki, he'd thought worse things about both himself, his brother, and even the Emperor. Oikawa wasn't concerned about how others saw him; he was kind to them because he wanted to be, not because he was preserving an image beyond what he was expected of. He supposed that he should be relieved that the rumors were about him being too nice (did Iwaizumi laugh when he first heard it?) but instead his mind realized that if people spoke nicely about one person but there was another entangled in the rumors…_

_"…If they say that about me," Oikawa said slowly, "then they have to be spreading rumors about Iwaizumi-san, correct? If they say that I'm gullible and naïve, then they're saying Iwaizumi-san… is taking advantage of that?"_

_Hanamaki hesitated and gave a single nod. "But, of course, we know that's not true. Matsukawa-san and I always stop those rumors the way Iwaizumi-san stops rumors about you—"_

_"You two do?" Oikawa asked, eyes hardening. "Iwaizumi-san doesn't?"_

_Hanamaki's hand froze in mid-air, fruit halfway between the plate and his mouth. "Well…"_

_He lowered his hand and cleared his throat, gave a slight, tired smirk._

_"…You know Iwaizumi-san better than anyone, denka."_

Iwaizumi stared at him, his brow pinched. "…What? Where did you hear that?"

"It doesn't matter," Oikawa answered coolly. "If people are spreading rumors about you, why don't you put a stop to them?"

He could tell that Iwaizumi wanted to press him more on where he'd found this out, but he could also see him working it out in his mind, deciding whether it was worth the effort or not. It had nothing to do with Oikawa being the prince; it had to do with him being stubborn and secretive for his own devices, but Iwaizumi knowing that he'd never keep a secret if it was hurting him.

He relented and glared. "Because they're stupid and false. Why even entertain them with a rebuttal?"

"Then why do you defend me?" Oikawa asked without missing a beat, watched Iwaizumi's eyes grow wide. "Or do you believe that I'm naïve, gullible, and easy to take advantage of?"

"What? No, of course not—" Iwaizumi faltered and then narrowed his eyes. "You talked to Hanamaki, didn't you? Damnit, Hanamaki…"

"Don't change the subject."

Iwaizumi inhaled; he almost fought him this time, Oikawa could see it in the way his eyebrow twitched and even though he didn't, Oikawa knew that Hanamaki would be getting a good talking to later. "Because," Iwaizumi answered quietly, "rumors against you are much more harmful than against a guard like me."

"But if the rumors have no merit, why give them attention?" Oikawa asked, tilting his head. "That's what you were saying earlier, isn't it?"

"Because, Oikawa-sama, you're the _prince_. I can't let people speak ill of you—"

"As the prince or as me?"

"Both," Iwaizumi answered immediately. "Obviously. You're my friend and you're my prince. There's no difference between the two when it comes to wanting to protect your reputation and you."

Oikawa regarded him warily, his eyes narrowed and fingers curled against his cheekbone. "…But people are saying those things about you because of me," Oikawa said quietly. "…How do you think that makes me feel?"

Iwaizumi faltered. He'd been standing this entire time, hands behind his back, but he finally relaxed and took a few steps to the side so that he could lean against a desk. He averted his gaze and Oikawa was left to stare at him as he waited for his response. His eyes traced his body; Oikawa liked to tease Iwaizumi for being shorter, but Iwaizumi wasn't short at all. He'd once asked Iwaizumi how he wore his hakama over his kimono and Iwaizumi had explained it to him, only for Oikawa to smile and ask for a demonstration.

Iwaizumi blushed and snapped _no_.

Oikawa saw Iwaizumi's chest move with a sigh before registering the sound in his mind.

"That's why I didn't tell you," Iwaizumi mumbled, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. "You can't do anything—"

"Of course I can," Oikawa interrupted, lifting his head. "They're saying those terrible things about you because of me, aren't they? That you're taking advantage of me?"

Iwaizumi gave a frustrated growl, pressing a finger to the spot between his brows. "It's stupid. They have absolutely no basis, which is why it's not even worth addressing them. I don't care what they say about me."

Oikawa stood slowly. His kimono fell fluidly around him, moved with him as he walked over to Iwaizumi. He gently grasped Iwaizumi's wrist to guide away from his face, murmuring his name quietly and waited until Iwaizumi looked at him to speak.

"I care what they say about you," he said quietly. "I don't have ears on rumors the way you do, but please, Iwa-chan, let me protect you the way you protect me."

"I'm _your_ guard, Oikawa-sama," Iwaizumi retorted tiredly. "It's my role to protect _you_ , not the other way around."

"I'm saying this as your friend," Oikawa rebutted. "You're important to me, Iwa-chan. If something bad happens to you and it was something I could've prevented…"

He hesitated and dropped his gaze, brow furrowing. "…I'd never forgive myself."

Oikawa never let himself think about losing Iwaizumi because even the thought felt overwhelming. After his mother had died, he'd felt like something inside of him stopped. That limbo of time between his mother and Iwaizumi felt like a distant dream; Oikawa hardly remembered living through that. Everything was muted and dulled; he'd thought loneliness would be harrowing, horrifying, horrendous emptiness, but it had been more than that. Instead of a constant ache, it had been absolute nothingness and being alive but feeling nothing had been more terrifying than anything he could have imagined.

Even when his mother had been alive, something inside Oikawa felt dampened as he'd grown up and lost the romance he'd spun of his life. The only time he hadn't felt that way was with Iwaizumi; that was the first time he felt the absolute potency of what being alive could offer.

And now that he'd been able to feel that way for years, he didn't know if he could go back to anything but.

"Oikawa-sa—" Iwaizumi paused and cleared his throat. "Oikawa," he corrected. Oikawa looked up, locked their gazes. He almost didn't realize that Iwaizumi had brought his hand up until he felt the back of his curled fingers brush against his cheek. Oikawa jolted and blinked in surprise; a pale pink settled across his cheeks and he could see the color reflect on Iwaizumi's face, though he repeated the motion, the touch sending chills capering down his spine. "…I'm sorry," he said quietly, "for worrying you like this. If I hear anything in the future, I'll put a stop to it."

"…No you won't," Oikawa said quietly but he smiled kindly. "Because, Iwa-chan, you're so loyal to me that it's blinding… but, please, think about yourself from time to time."

Iwaizumi smiled tenderly, gave a small nod. Oikawa closed his eyes and indulged himself by leaning into Iwaizumi's touch for a brief moment, pulling back only because he heard a knock at the door. "Please enter," he called when Iwaizumi had taken several steps away, hands held behind his back once again.

The double doors swung open to reveal Tendou, bowing deeply. "Denka, dinner is ready. Please follow me."

As soon as Tendou's back was to them, Oikawa shot Iwaizumi a grin, mouthed _ready_? Iwaizumi just smirked, jerked his chin towards Tendou. _Don't keep him waiting._

It was hard to focus on dinner. Oikawa made pleasant enough conversation with Ushijima who, by all means, wasn't a bad person. He was perfectly fine; he was very intelligent and well-respected and when Oikawa mentioned flowers and botany, it was the first time he saw Ushijima's eyes light up, though the rest of his expression didn't indicate any such emotion. He liked plants, though, Oikawa could tell, and he couldn't help but smile at that.

Oikawa was careful to not rush the dinner, despite how much he may have wanted to; he supposed one positive of being a prince was that he very clearly learned how to distinguish his personal feelings from his responsibilities. He may not like Ushijima, but as the prince, absolutely owed him the same attention and interest he did with anyone else; they talked for hours into the night and Oikawa was only a _little_ peeved that Ushijima continued to prove himself to be kind and intelligent, just with a bad color preference and dared to make a comment about Iwaizumi's natural resting expression.

Once dinner had ended, he'd been accompanied by both Iwaizumi and Tendou back to his room. Iwaizumi had asked if he wanted his company once they arrived and Oikawa had smiled at him. _"Of course I do, but you need to unpack and rest, don't you? Please, Tendou-san, lead Iwaizumi-san to his room."_

Once Tendou turned, Iwaizumi had left Oikawa with one last smirk before following him, soon enshrouded in the darkness of the long hallway.

Iwaizumi had grown bolder, Oikawa thought as he closed his doors, and immediately a soft red ebbed on his cheeks. It wasn't just the kiss on the hand or the way he'd touched his cheek that afternoon. It was that he was calling him _Oikawa-sama_ less and less, _Oikawa_ more and more. It was the way he'd look at him, going from immediately looking away to locking their gazes with that same softness. Oikawa didn't know what had happened; he didn't know when it had happened, but all he knew was that he wasn't mentally prepared for Iwaizumi to be this much more open about reciprocating feelings that he never thought either of them would ever act on.

Oikawa had washed up and gotten ready for bed by the time there came a knock on his door. He was reading in bed, just about to sleep, when the sound interrupted his musings. Slipping out of bed, he pulled on another kimono, wondered if it was Ushijima taking seriously Oikawa's suggestion that he show him his garden sometime.

He was already mentally preparing himself to smile when he called "come in." He had his arms folded over his chest, expression vaguely annoyed at being interrupted this late—what if he had been _sleeping_?—but when he saw it was Iwaizumi, he relaxed and smiled. "Iwa-chan," he said when the door closed. "What brings you here?"

"Sorry," Iwaizumi shook his head, "were you about to sleep? It's not important."

"Of course not!" he lied and dropped his arms, eyes falling to the folded shogi board Iwaizumi held. He laughed quietly. "What, Iwa-chan can't sleep unless he loses?"

Iwaizumi scoffed and headed over to the table, placing the board down onto the table and beginning to set up the pieces as Oikawa took a seat across from him. "Shut up. I figure if I play every day, maybe one day I'll actually challenge you."

Oikawa smiled. He'd specifically chosen the book he was reading to lull him to sleep; his muscles still ached and he hoped that sleeping early would help to lessen any lingering pain tomorrow, but now that Iwaizumi was here, he didn't care about making tomorrow any easier for himself.

He left the book to his side. Once Iwaizumi was done setting up the board, he watched him reach for the pawns and shook his head. "No need to decide who will go first. Iwa-chan can. The advantage would bear more fruit to you."

"…Shut up."

Oikawa smirked. "Am I wrong, though?"

Iwaizumi glared, but moved his first pawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> adsflkjsdf i can't stop laughing i really almost posted this as chapter 13 of sams... that would have been a hilariously embarrassing blunder on my end and caused a great deal of confusion for anyone reading it
> 
> anyway, added a graphic depiction of violence warning but it's one scene much later on and it's just to err on the side of caution. nobody die as a result of it and i'll also add a brief warning at the beginning, just in case anyone is very sensitive to any kind of violence. also finalized the plot and this lil daydream comes in at a spicy 18 chapters because that's just how we roll here.
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments appreciated ♡


	4. above all else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iwaizumi saw oikawa turn slowly in his peripheral vision, expression strange and unreadable under the guise of maintaining neutrality. "…has iwaizumi-san been doing naughty things behind my back?"

By the time they returned from Shiratorizawa, the sun had long since set. The journey back always felt shorter, but in this case, it actually had been; they'd arrived two days earlier than expected and though Iwaizumi hadn't told him, it was because people noticed Oikawa's annoyance with traveling. Knowing Oikawa, if he'd been aware of this, he'd go through even more effort to control his expressions and feel guilty for the caravan pushing themselves.

It was admirable of him, but Iwaizumi didn't think that Oikawa needed even more pressure.

His entire body ached; as soon as they arrived and had finished their dinner, all Iwaizumi really wanted to do was wash up and go to bed. However, when Oikawa had asked if he was tired, he immediately shook his head.

_"Are you sure?" Oikawa asked, concern twined in his voice. Iwaizumi had a hand to his neck, kneading a knot when he felt Oikawa's fingers brush over his hand; he couldn't help but jerk, shook his head when Oikawa offered a quiet apology. "This isn't important, I was just curious. We can wait another day to prove Iwa-chan wrong."_

_Iwaizumi scowled and Oikawa beamed. "Shut up, this won't take long. We'll just get the book and you can sulk all night to realize that I'm right."_

_"Iwa-chan thinks he knows Shibaraku better than the prince?" Oikawa jested._

_Iwaizumi smirked and reached his hand out, gently flicked Oikawa's forehead. "I know it better than my dumbass childhood friend."_

_Coming around the corner, Iwaizumi immediately reached out his arm in front of Oikawa as he heard footsteps. Oikawa sighed, brow furrowing in frustration. He was usually able to shake off extra guards with just a few words, but it had taken significantly more effort today; he'd had to be sterner than he would like and, when compiled with having traveled the last few days, Oikawa had even less energy for this than usual. "Iwa-chan, please, it's just a rumor-"_

_"It's better to be safe than sorry, now shut up, Oikawa-sama."_

_Rumors ran rampant, but they were usually lighthearted gossip that Iwaizumi had no interest in. The most recent rumors, though, were of some sort of an ambush against the imperial family; this wasn't the sort of thing that people generally joked about and even though Oikawa didn't take them seriously, Iwaizumi did, more than enough for both of them._

_Taking a step closer to Oikawa and boxing him against the wall, Iwaizumi watched the end of the hallway, heard footsteps continue. The steps sounded short and quick; they weren't as assured as Oikawa's or Mizogushi's, and yet weren't quite as fast as a maid hurrying from one wing to another. They sounded hesitant, almost like someone who wasn't sure of the layout of the palace, and yet brisk, as if they had somewhere to be or were looking for someone._

_Fingers curling over the hilt of his katana, he began to unsheath the blade. He felt Oikawa rest a hand against his shoulder blade, his breath hot against the nape of his neck. Licking his lips, his grip tightened, heard the slow shing of metal against the scabbard._

_He saw a foot first, eyes trailed up to the familiar hakama and then the kimono and kataginu, then Kindaichi's face and Iwaizumi's body relaxed while his expression hardened into a glare. Kindaichi flinched as Iwaizumi pushed his katana back into the scabbard and stepped away from Oikawa. "Please announce yourself next time, Kindaichi-san, instead of shuffling around in darkness," he grumbled._

_Oikawa laughed from behind him. "Please don't fret, Kindaichi-san. Iwaizumi-san is a bit grumpy."_

_Iwaizumi twitched, just barely managed to keep his voice flat. "I protest, denka."_

_"I'm sorry," Kindaichi rushed, bowing. "I was looking for Iwaizumi-san, and you weren't in your chambers and it's time sensitive-"_

_"What is it?" Iwaizumi asked, frowning. Oikawa was still amused; he wasn't looking at him, but could just tell from his chipper aura. He wanted to snap at him that this was nothing to have fun with, but had a feeling that his reaction would just please him more._

_Kindaichi cleared his throat and straightened. "Heika requests your presence."_

_There was an entire beat of silence._

_Iwaizumi stared at Kindaichi; he could tell that Oikawa was as well, a rare moment where he was speechless. Iwaizumi didn't know what was going through Oikawa's mind, but he was wondering if it was possible that Kindaichi—well meaning, hardworking, always trying his best—had just gotten the prince's name mixed up with his guard's, the worst of blunders but one that seemed like something Kindaichi might actually do._

_Iwaizumi blinked and cleared his throat, dread coiling in his stomach. "…What?" he asked, unable to entirely keep the tremor from sounding in his voice. "He… wants to see me?"_

_"Yes," Kindaichi nodded. "Heika also specifically requested for you to be alone."_

_There was another beat of silence._

_Iwaizumi saw Oikawa turn slowly in his peripheral vision, expression strange and unreadable under the guise of maintaining neutrality. "…Has Iwaizumi-san been doing naughty things behind my back?"_

_"Sh-no-"_

_Barely able to restrain himself in front of Kindaichi, Iwaizumi brought a closed fist to his mouth to cover the way he cleared his throat. He took a deep breath and nodded, stepping away from Oikawa. His eyes remained downcast and it took Iwaizumi a moment to steady his vision. Lowering his hand, he held both behind his back and looked at Kindaichi with a small nod. "Thank you for letting me know, Kindaichi-san. I'll report to heika's study now. Please escort denka back to his chambers."_

_"What? No-"_

_"Denka," Iwaizumi said, looking over his shoulder as Kindaichi nodded and headed to his side, "it's quite late, please return to your chambers and rest, especially after the arduous journey back from Shiratorizawa."_

_Oikawa was about to fight him, he could see it in his narrowed eyes and knit brow, but as soon as Kindaichi murmured 'denka' he faltered. Iwaizumi watched him for several more seconds until he saw Oikawa nod, turn around to go back where they'd just come from. "Let's go, Kindaichi-san."_

_Iwaizumi's gaze lingered on his backside, wondered how it was possible for him to be so smitten with just watching the way Oikawa walked away from him. He hadn't even moved when Oikawa abruptly stopped and looked over his shoulder. Kindaichi hadn't realized at first; he was a few steps ahead and with the way Oikawa turned, Kindaichi couldn't see the faint smile and obvious crease in his brow. "Please stop by my chambers before you retire for the night, Iwaizumi-san. I have some matters to discuss with you regarding tomorrow."_

_Oikawa had nothing planned tomorrow, and Iwaizumi was the one who told him that less than an hour ago._

_And yet, Iwaizumi nodded, bowed._

_"Of course, denka."_

Iwaizumi knocked at the door, desperately wished that Oikawa was smugly proving him wrong about Shibaraku right now.

"Please come in."

Iwaizumi inhaled shakily and pressed both palms flat to the heavy door, leaned his weight to push them open. He was accustomed to the burdens of these doors; Iwaizumi opened the doors to Oikawa's chambers so often that he'd genuinely forget how heavy they were, realized only when someone else tried to open them and struggled. But pushing open the doors to the Emperor's study felt like an impossible task for Iwaizumi's shaking limbs. His hands immediately went behind his back as he bowed deeply, the shaking ricocheting through his frame, leaving his breaths trembling just as much as his knees and shoulders.

"Heika," he said. "I was told you wished to speak with me."

"Yes," a deep voice resounded through the room and Iwaizumi waited until he was asked to straighten. "Thank you for coming so quickly, Iwaizumi-san."

"Of course, heika."

"Mizogushi-san," the Emperor nodded. "Please leave us."

Iwaizumi caught Mizogushi's eye as he brushed past. With his back to the Emperor, he gave a brief and faint smile before Iwaizumi was left by himself in the study. The distance between him and the Emperor was vast, but he was frozen to the spot; he'd been nervous when first assigned to Oikawa, but even those nerves settled after a few months. Iwaizumi hardly ever spoke to the Emperor, much less alone. He'd been summoned like this only once before and Oikawa hadn't known about it; not only had the Emperor asked him to keep it a secret, but the topic they discussed wasn't something that Iwaizumi particularly wanted to bring up with Oikawa, knowing how his face would immediately sour just at the mention of marriage.

Oikawa Haruhiro was the reigning emperor and while everybody knew the name that would be etched into their nation's history, Iwaizumi had never heard anyone address him as such. Even Oikawa referred to him as either just _my father_ or _heika_ ; Haruhiro's name would be whispered only by pens recording his name down in texts, murmured only rarely in the context of his full title.

He was, by all accounts, an excellent emperor. He was kind and he was fair; Iwaizumi wasn't sure if personality traits were hereditary but if they were, he could see where Oikawa had gotten his caring nature, though he wasn't sure where he got his annoying traits from. Even though Oikawa referred to him as his father occasionally, Iwaizumi couldn't remember any instance where Haruhiro _acted_ like a father to Oikawa. Iwaizumi's father certainly did; he remembered him playing and reading with him, but as far as Oikawa's anecdotes of his childhood went, he'd seldom mentioned Haruhiro as anything besides an emperor. The rare times he did mention Haruhiro acting as a father, he'd seemed to smile wistfully and when Iwaizumi asked if he missed that person, Oikawa had shrugged.

_"Our duties take precedence over emotion. It's all right, I've come to accept it. Your move, Iwa-chan."_

Despite being a good emperor, he was also an absent father. Iwaizumi didn't want to make excuses because he supported whatever Oikawa felt, but he also found that he couldn't entirely blame him for focusing most of his attention on reigning over a nation. Oikawa had mentioned this as well, that he held no ill will towards his father and Iwaizumi hadn't felt comfortable pushing the topic. That particular day, he'd even sacrificed his own dignity, told Oikawa about a time when a horse had stolen his katana from him, and he had to admit this to Mizogushi to ask for his help in retrieving it.

Iwaizumi didn't particularly enjoy reliving memories that Matsukawa used as blackmail, but the way Oikawa laughed made it more than worth it.

Haruhiro finished writing, ink stained brush lifting from the paper, setting it down against the pot of ink. Only then did he look up, his eyes stern but not as much as the scowl on his lips. His fingers laced among each other, folded hands rested on an intricately carved desk that Iwaizumi thought he could easily spend hours examining.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Yes, heika," Iwaizumi answered. He swallowed thickly and squared his shoulders, stood so straight that it made the knot in his neck worse. The last time he was here was several months ago and it was a meeting that he tried to not think about if he could. He didn't see Haruhiro very often, and he couldn't say that he minded that. He spent almost all his time with Oikawa, who also didn't see Haruhiro very often. Iwaizumi knew that his brother would often meet with him and his sister seemed to also meet with him in the months leading up to her engagement and wedding, but Oikawa had always generally wandered around by himself, rarely summoned unless it had to do with an upcoming ritual or ceremony.

"I take it that based on Tooru's continued resistance to his engagement that you have not been able to successfully convince him," Haruhiro said and Iwaizumi flinched when his brow knit slightly. "I must admit, Iwaizumi-san… I'm surprised. You've always had Tooru's ear."

Iwaizumi swallowed thickly. Behind his back, his fingers unfurled and stretched before he clenched them into a fist again, the other hand wrapped around his wrist. "…Denka is quite adamant," Iwaizumi said quietly, digging his nails into his palm. "He is quite resistant. It also is not a topic that comes up often between us and to avoid suspicion, per heika's request, I have not—"

"Stop."

Iwaizumi immediately closed his mouth just as it felt like his heart had leapt onto his tongue. Haruhiro gave a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose; Iwaizumi's heart dropped back down into his stomach immediately. Haruhiro, like Oikawa, seldom showed anything besides a gracious smile in public. He carried himself with such poise and elegance and for Haruhiro, Iwaizumi thought it might actually be because of his personality, whereas Oikawa was just some kind of shape shifting demon at times.

The fact that Haruhiro was scowling right now absolutely _terrified_ Iwaizumi.

When he'd initially asked Iwaizumi to convince Oikawa to accept his engagement, Iwaizumi's immediate reaction had been _of course not_ even though he maintained an even expression. Haruhiro had called Iwaizumi to his study after Oikawa had already been refusing for almost a year; by that point, he knew how Oikawa felt on the matter, but not the reason. However, that didn't matter; as his friend, Iwaizumi would never try to convince him of something that he knew wouldn't make him happy.

And yet, Iwaizumi had been given a direct order from the Emperor himself and directly disobeying it had been both the easiest and hardest thing he'd ever had to do. The thought had never even crossed his mind to convince Oikawa; Iwaizumi was incredibly careful to never even offer a hint of an opinion to try and sway him either towards or against the engagement. Whatever decision Oikawa made about this matter, whether it was continuous rejection or eventual acceptance, it had to be entirely devoid of outside influences. Understanding why this topic was so sensitive to Oikawa only furthered that resolve because it wasn't just a marriage and it wasn't just Oikawa being petty; it was Oikawa claiming a rare instance of control and identity outside of being the prince.

But as Iwaizumi stood here, all he could think about was how he'd been given an order from the Emperor himself and he had willingly, continually, stubbornly ignored it.

Haruhiro gave a sigh. He lowered his hand and looked to Iwaizumi sternly. "…Iwaizumi-san, I gave you specific instructions, did I not?" he asked in a low voice, the corners of his lips curling downwards. "Because Tooru is not set to inherit the throne, I have allowed him certain freedoms for far longer than I should have, but it _is_ expected of him to get married. I am well aware of the trust he has in you and find it difficult to believe that if you proposed for him to marry, he would still be so steadfastly against it."

Iwaizumi swallowed thickly. "I understand, heika," Iwaizumi answered, felt a waver threatening his voice. "I apologize for not being able to do as you have asked… denka does not bring up the subject often. I have also avoided doing so in order to not cast suspicion."

"You and he are friends," Haruhiro stated plainly and Iwaizumi couldn't help his breath catching. Haruhiro unrolled another scroll, picking up his brush again and fixed his gaze on the parchment. "It's no secret, Iwaizumi-san. The entire court is aware that my son is quite fond of you, constantly teasing you even in the company of others. And your quips and defenses of him also do not go unnoticed."

_Shit. **Shit.**_

As professional as they tried to act, both Hanamaki and Matsukawa told him that he and Oikawa were obviously close. His heart had seized until they clarified they meant as friends; everyone knew it, apparently, that his and Oikawa's relationship wasn't strictly professional. As long as they only thought they were friends, Iwaizumi was fine with that. Romance rumors were what started fires; people did ludicrous things for love and even if Iwaizumi didn't think Oikawa would be that stupid, he didn't want to risk his reputation.

He licked his lips. "I apologize for the unprofessionalism in my behavior—"

"No, that was not my intention," Haruhiro shook his head, waving his free hand. "I'm quite glad that my son has found a friend in you. I trust you, Iwaizumi-san. Your father had also been one of my most loyal guards and you have lived up to his name

quite well."

Iwaizumi swallowed and bowed shakily. "Thank you very much for your kind words."

"That being said," Haruhiro continued easily, "despite your friendship with Tooru, I do hope you remember that you are loyal to the Throne above all else and not an individual prince."

Iwaizumi's lungs deflated of all air and he struggled to refill them without losing his composure. This was what he had been told his entire life, that above all else, his loyalty was to the Throne. And when he'd started at Oikawa's side, he had continued to believe that. But as the years passed and he grew closer to Oikawa, began to see him more as the person he knew and less as the prince he revered, Iwaizumi didn't want to admit that the very basest of philosophies his moral code centered around had started wavering.

That would be treason, he thought, or something akin to it, choosing Oikawa over the Throne. It felt like rewriting everything Iwaizumi believed in and the only reason that he had been able to pacify the turmoil was because Oikawa was on the same side as the Throne; Oikawa had never put Iwaizumi in a position where he had to choose one or the other.

Haruhiro, however, did.

"…Yes, heika," he said quietly. "I am, of course. I… am loyal to the Throne above all else."

Haruhiro gave a nod. "In that case, I hope you will take your duties more seriously in the future," he said, glancing up and Iwaizumi almost flinched. "Although, I do wonder if perhaps the reason he is so resistant to marriage is because of…"

He paused, set his brush down and rested his gaze fully on Iwaizumi.

"…Outside influences."

Iwaizumi felt as though his heart had beat for one final time before it stopped completely, mouth going dry. This wasn't the way Haruhiro would look at him for being his son's genuine, close friend and he couldn't tell what was worse: Haruhiro thinking Iwaizumi was convincing Oikawa to not marry or Oikawa refusing to marry because of his relationship with Iwaizumi. The latter seemed like a stretch for Haruhiro to know, but he was also the emperor; he had eyes and ears everywhere and if he knew that Oikawa and Iwaizumi were close, he could find out just _how_ close. Iwaizumi was a bad liar and he was worse at hiding the truth when caught off guard like this.

He looked away guiltily, twisting his fingers behind his back.

Haruhiro wasn't known to be cruel or unjust. He was fair and patient; he wasn't known to be as kind and charming as Oikawa, but, Iwaizumi thought, those weren't exactly the most important traits of an emperor. And to be fair, he _had_ been lenient with Oikawa up until recently; both his siblings were married at younger ages than Oikawa was now. The same way he wondered why Oikawa was so resistant to a simple formality, he wondered what reason Haruhiro had for wanting Oikawa to marry into the same family his siblings already had; the imperial family's relationships was more than secured with the shogun's through his brother and sister's marriages and Oikawa most likely thought that because of that, he would be fine to do as he pleased.

Iwaizumi licked his dry, cracking lips and cleared his throat.

"…I wouldn't know, heika," he said, but the trembling in his voice was evident. Haruhiro's expression didn't betray any emotion and Iwaizumi could feel his palms growing slick with sweat as his heart started to beat furiously in his chest. He didn't care what Haruhiro would do to him; he was a fair man and so Iwaizumi didn't think true harm would come to him, but he _could_ and would reassign Iwaizumi. And Iwaizumi's concern wasn't even that he wouldn't be able to see Oikawa; it was that Oikawa would then be completely and utterly alone, with nobody around him to confide in, and that broke his heart more than anything else.

He took a deep breath. "Denka… simply needs some more time," Iwaizumi continued, said finally, swallowing thickly. "I believe that he will eventually see what the best decision for him and the imperial family is."

There was a moment of silence that Iwaizumi swore was right before a supernova.

"I agree," Haruhiro said quietly. "As I've said, I appreciate how much you have done for Tooru, but the longer he continues to resist his engagement to the shogun's second eldest daughter..."

His gaze leveled. "I truly do have faith in you, but I believe you understand why it is only natural for suspicion to be cast on your relationship with him, as he is only known to confide in you."

Iwaizumi's breath caught in his throat. He felt like he was being strangled by an invisible force; his neck felt squeezed, and air wouldn't go down past a certain point. Licking his lips yet again, Iwaizumi's hands trembled behind his back. "My relationship with denka is strictly professional," he was able to say. "We are friends, as heika knows, but that is it. I can assure you, heika, that denka's unwillingness to marry is not because of me."

He swallowed when he felt the weight of Haruhiro's gaze.

"My duty first and foremost is to the Throne," he said, bowing deeply. "I am, of course, loyal to you above all else."

He kept his head bowed because as he said the words he had thought to be so true to his core, they felt like rubber rolling off the tip of his tongue.

"Very well," he heard Haruhiro say after a pause. Iwaizumi closed his eyes and straightened, kept his gaze averted. "I am glad to hear your priorities are in order, Iwaizumi-san. I appreciate the support you have shown Tooru over the years, but…"

His glare hardened. "Should I deem that your presence is causing more harm than good to the prince, I will have you removed, Iwaizumi-san, despite how fond he is of you."

Iwaizumi inhaled sharply and as his heart beat, felt as if something sharp drove into it. He nodded curtly and kept his head bowed, hoped that it was enough to hide his pinched expression. Their first meeting had been much shorter; Haruhiro had also been much more pleasant and Iwaizumi had left his study feeling guilty at keeping this secret from Oikawa, but not terrified.

This time, though, fear overrode everything.

"I understand, heika. That will not happen, I assure you."

Haruhiro gave a satisfied nod. "You may leave, Iwaizumi-san. I expect better news from you next time."

"Yes, heika."

Iwaizumi kept his head bowed as he turned and left; as the distance between him and Haruhiro increased, so did the intensity of his quivering limbs. By the time he stepped over the threshold and the door closed, he nearly collapsed. Iwaizumi managed to catch himself with a hand to the wall; he was taking deep breaths when he heard Mizogushi's voice and quickly tried to collect himself, startled that he was still here. "M-Mizogushi-san, good evening."

"Iwaizumi-san," Mizogushi greeted and frowned. "Is everything all right?"

Mizogushi was strict but kind; Iwaizumi spent much of his youth both in fear and awe of him during their lessons. He'd yell at them, but it was because he cared and wanted them to be the best that they could be in order to fulfill their responsibilities. He'd also been a mentee of Iwaizumi's father; after he passed away, Iwaizumi remembered Mizogushi coming around more often to check on him and his mother. He hadn't thought about it much at the time but as he grew up, he realized the kindness in his action and grew to respect him immensely.

He nodded. "…Yes, Mizogushi-san," he said, but could see that Mizogushi didn't believe him. He licked his lips. "If you have no further questions, I'd like to please retire to my chambers."

Mizogushi frowned but he gave a nod and Iwaizumi turned, took a path he didn't travel very often. As soon as he rounded the corner, he gave a strangled sigh, steps quickening. He felt nauseous; his meeting with Haruhiro left him so jarred and even though he knew Oikawa asked him to come to his chambers afterwards, he wasn't sure if he could. He couldn't tell him; as close as they were, as much as Iwaizumi loved him, the idea of blatantly ignoring what the Emperor had told him to do left him feeling like he was doing something inherently wrong.

And yet, keeping this a secret from Oikawa also felt intrinsically wrong.

He was almost to the crossroads of his chambers and Oikawa's when he heard a harsh whisper. Iwaizumi was still tense; he reflexively grabbed the hilt of his sword and started pulling it out of its scabbard as he faced the source of the voice, but was met only with Oikawa flinching at the glint of the metal, stumbling backwards with his hands up. "I-I-Iwaizumi, it's just me—"

"Shit," Iwaizumi breathed and immediately let go, pushed the blade back in fully and took a step back, shaking his head. "S-sorry—why are you hiding in the shadows?"

"Because I shouldn't be here," Oikawa answered easily, stepping forward as soon as he saw Iwaizumi relax. The hallways were dark, dimly lit by flickering flames in lanterns, but Iwaizumi could see clearly the concern glimmering in Oikawa's eyes. He could only assume the panic etched on his own face was also fairly obvious. "What happened?" Oikawa asked. "Why did heika want to speak with you?"

Iwaizumi shook his head instinctively. "I-it was nothing. Why aren't you in your chambers? Where's Kindaichi?"

"I told him to leave me alone," Oikawa answered shortly and grasped Iwaizumi's wrist, frown deepening. Iwaizumi briefly entertained the idea of Kindaichi spiraling into panic at the prince himself telling him to leave him alone, but the image abruptly stopped when Oikawa took his hand. Iwaizumi's breath hitched as he gently unfurled his fingers, running his own over the dark crescents marring his palm. "You were tense…" he noted and then looked up almost pleadingly. "Iwa-chan, why did he want to speak with you?"

Murmurs sounded, continuing to grow louder. Oikawa took a step back and dropped Iwaizumi's wrist as Iwaizumi straightened and moved to be standing next to Oikawa, tried to take a deep breath to quell his nerves. As the lanterns illuminated the figure who came around the corner, Iwaizumi bowed deeply as Oikawa bowed slightly as well. "Motohira-niisama," he greeted. "You're wandering out quite late, aren't you?"

"As are you, Tooru," Motohira returned and nodded curtly at Iwaizumi. The guard with him remained further from him than Iwaizumi was to Oikawa; he briefly thought about taking a step away, Haruhiro's unnervingly perceptive remarks leaving him on edge, but dismissed the idea soon thereafter because if given a choice, Iwaizumi would never try to distance himself from Oikawa. "Good evening, Iwaizumi-san. I trust my brother has not been a nuisance."

"Denka," Iwaizumi murmured and straightened, shaking his head. "Not at all. It's an honor to be by his side."

Oikawa raised a hand and to anyone else, it would seem like he was covering a cough, but Iwaizumi knew he was covering a laugh. Oikawa didn't see his brother very often, but when their paths did cross, he seemed significantly more relaxed around him than he did around Haruhiro, which Iwaizumi couldn't blame him for. Motohira was quiet and serious, but he was gentle in nature and Iwaizumi wondered if that aura would change once he took the Throne.

"You two are out and about at an odd hour," Motohira noted with a frown. "Any particular reason?"

"I had learned some new information on the rumors of the assassination plots and wished to let denka know as soon as possible," Iwaizumi answered immediately and could see Oikawa nod his head. "I trust denka has also been kept up to date on them? I believe you leave early tomorrow morning for Edo."

Motohira nodded. "That's kind of you, Iwaizumi-san. Tooru," he said and turned to Oikawa and frowned, "take the rumors seriously. If anything were to happen to me, you will be the one to ascend the throne."

"Ah, don't be morbid, onii-sama," Oikawa murmured with a lopsided smile. "Please travel safely tomorrow. Iwaizumi-san, please escort me back to my room."

"Of course. Good night, denka," Iwaizumi murmured, bowing one last time to Motohira and his guard before walking with Oikawa down the darkened hall. As their steps drew them further from Motohira, his legs began to shake because as skilled as Iwaizumi had become at masking his true feelings, it was still only a temporary farce. They arrived soon at Oikawa's chambers and before Iwaizumi could try to think of a reason to slip away, Oikawa's hand was on his wrist, grip gentle and easy to break free from, but Iwaizumi silently followed him through the doors.

They hadn't even fully closed when Oikawa turned, his brow knit in concern and eyes peering at him. "Iwa-chan," he pressed. "Please, tell me. Is something wrong? Is there anything I can do to help? Does he think you've done something? Is he blaming you for—"

"Oikawa, stop," Iwaizumi said tiredly. "It's nothing, he just… he just asked how you were."

It wasn't a lie, which was why Oikawa seemed to accept his answer. He let go of Iwaizumi's wrist in favor of heading further into the room; Iwaizumi made his way to one of the chairs and took a seat, rubbing his temple. He looked up only at the sound of Oikawa's voice and was met with a small cup of sake held just centimeters away from his face. Iwaizumi blinked and when he started to decline, Oikawa shook his head. "Iwa-chan, _I_ need a drink after speaking with my father. I can't imagine how you're feeling."

Iwaizumi licked his lips. He didn't normally drink, but he couldn't argue Oikawa's logic and so accepted the cup with a small nod. He murmured his gratitude and stared at his reflection in the liquid for a moment before tipping his head back, downing the contents in one gulp. He winced at the taste and brought the back of his hand to his mouth as he sputtered, other hand giving the cup back to Oikawa, who laughed softly at his reaction. "Do you want another one?"

Iwaizumi coughed once he'd swallowed it all, clearing his throat and still wincing. Oikawa said he drank only sweet sake; _that_ was sweet? "N-no, it's all right."

Setting the cup down on the low table in front of the chairs, Oikawa took an adjacent seat and sighed. He was wearing the same kimono as earlier and Iwaizumi found himself wondering if Oikawa had come back to his room after shaking Kindaichi, or if he'd crouched in the shadows the entire time waiting for him. The latter was ridiculous; Iwaizumi was with Haruhiro for almost an hour and Oikawa had no way of knowing how long the conversation would have been, and so logic dictated that most people who have done the first.

Oikawa, however, wasn't most people.

"I'm sorry for pressing so much," Oikawa mumbled after a few moments, smoothing the silk in his lap. Iwaizumi's eyes lingered on the chrysanthemum pattern, couldn't help his frown at remembering Oikawa's disdain for them. "I was worried that my refusal to marry led him to taking it out on you somehow. He's just…"

Oikawa gave a frustrated sigh and shook his head. Iwaizumi watched the way his forehead creased and his frown instinctually deepend. "…He's infuriating about this. I know it's because he's the Emperor, but he controls so much of his life, and this one thing… is out of his and society's control. And even him not knowing why drives him crazy, I can tell. I think that if he knew why I'm resisting… it's not something he can use against me, but..."

He trailed off and shook his head again, shrugging weakly. "Ah, sorry, Iwa-chan probably thinks I'm overreacting again. I know it may not make much sense or seem childish. My decision to not marry, my keeping the true reason a secret are all that I feel like I really have. He can't control what he doesn't know so I want to keep it that way."

Iwaizumi had spent the entire evening in some state of anxiety, but as he watched Oikawa, he forgot it all entirely and focused only on the way he was frowning. Without thinking, he reached a hand to rest over Oikawa's, brushing a thumb against his knuckles. Oikawa didn't look over immediately, but Iwaizumi watched his expression relax, even his shoulders slightly slumping; when he did look over it was with a slight smile, albeit tired. "I'm fine, Iwa-chan. Don't worry."

Iwaizumi wasn't fully convinced, but he nodded and pulled his hand back, the loss of contact in one part of his body leaving the rest feeling cold. He licked his lips and dropped his gaze. "…He mentioned you would be engaged to the shogun's second eldest daughter," he said and Oikawa's expression soured immediately. "She's beautiful and smart," Iwaizumi continued quietly. "You can't do much better in terms of someone who would be a good match for you."

"Iwa-chan thinks I'm beautiful and smart?" he teased and when Iwaizumi answered 'of course' without hesitation, it caught them both off-guard.

"I-I mean objectively," Iwaizumi backtracked, looking away with pink cheeks as Oikawa just stared; even the way he blushed was pretty, Iwaizumi thought bitterly, and it didn't seem fair for such an annoying personality to exist in such a beautiful person. He rubbed the side of his nose and cleared his throat. "Just—it's hard to find someone who… Shimizu Kiyoko is one of the most—just—"

"Shimizu-san is beautiful, I agree," Oikawa said after a moment and Iwaizumi slated his gaze back over to him. His cheeks were still flushed, but his lips held a delicate frown. "And I do think she and I would get along. But," he shook his head, "like I've been saying, I don't want to get married. I'm not going to ascend the throne, I don't need a wife, I don't need to have children, I don't think it's necessary and so I don't want to. That should be enough for him."

Oikawa hesitated and looked over. "…What do you think, though?"

Iwaizumi's breath hitched and he stared at him. He licked his lips. "…About you getting married?" he clarified and Oikawa nodded. "I—I don't think anything, Oikawa-sama. It's your decision."

"I trust you, Iwa-chan," Oikawa said and gave a small smile. "I know what I want, but I want to know what you think, too. If you think I should get married, I'd seriously consider it, you know. I'm aware that sometimes I can be narrow-minded, but Iwa-chan's always been there to help me see every side so I can really make the best decision."

This was the kind of moment that Haruhiro was expecting; this was Iwaizumi's moment to do exactly as the Emperor had asked of him, to support the Thone, as was his duty. Haruhiro was smart; Iwaizumi knew, too, that if he tried to sway Oikawa, he would most likely succeed. Oikawa could be stubborn but, for some reason, Iwaizumi's words had a powerful influence on him.

He'd once mentioned he liked a particular incense and Oikawa only used it for months thereafter, stopping only because they'd temporarily run out. Another time, he briefly described the plot of a book he wanted to read, but forgot the name of. By the next week, that exact book was left in front of Iwaizumi's door with a note from Oikawa. And once when Iwaizumi had said that he didn't mind persimmons, Oikawa gave him so many that Iwaizumi couldn't handle seeing them for almost half a year thereafter.

Oikawa listened to him, so much more so than Iwaizumi would have expected and because of that, he was incredibly careful with what he said about his pending marriage. Iwaizumi had an opinion, but it was based on what he thought would make Oikawa happy and at this time, not marrying would make him happy. However, Iwaizumi didn't want to hint at that; he wasn't afraid to go against Haruhiro's orders but because this was about Oikawa having a decision, he wanted to make sure Oikawa retained all control. Maybe he didn't even realize how much he listened to Iwaizumi, so it was Iwaizumi's responsibility to be cognizant of that for both of them.

Iwaizumi shook his head. "This is something that's entirely your decision," he said softly. "I'm not going to give my input, but I'll support you no matter what you choose."

Oikawa pulled a face and he looked away before he could catch sight of Iwaizumi's rueful smile. His nose wrinkled and he made a small sound of protest. "What a cop-out answer, Iwa-chan… first you don't tell me what you spoke about with heika and now this? You're being so disagreeable tonight."

Iwaizumi smirked slightly.

"I'm not being disagreeable. I'm just being a friend instead of your guard. But…"

Iwaizumi pressed his lips into a thin line. "I do think that you should do what makes you happiest. As both your friend and your guard, that's what I want the most."

It was an honest answer; whichever Oikawa chose, Iwaizumi would support wholeheartedly. All he wanted was for Oikawa to be happy and it wasn't as if Iwaizumi was in a position where Oikawa would ever be _his_. Oikawa didn't want to marry because it was the one decision in his life he still had autonomy over, but if he changed his mind, Iwaizumi would support him.

He heard Oikawa hum. He didn't say anything afterwards, and so Iwaizumi looked up; Oikawa was watching him and as soon as their gazes met, he smiled and Iwaizumi's heart ached because it felt like it swelled so much that it splintered.

"In that case then... Iwa-chan, just stay by my side."

Oikawa's smile widened, crinkled his eyes as he tilted his head. There was a moment of silence that Iwaizumi swore a star could be born in; the way Oikawa gazing at him so adoringly, so smittently that Iwaizumi realized just how badly he wanted him to always smile like this.

"That's what makes me happiest."

* * *

"So that's how Iwaizumi tricked me into talking to denka."

"I didn't _trick_ you, Hanamaki, you just _showed_ up."

"You _snuck the prince out without telling anyone_!"

The common room of the Guard was empty at the moment, but Hanamaki's voice was still louder than Iwaizumi appreciated. He glared at him harshly while Matsukawa just shook his head with a small smile, finished peeling a satsuma. He broke the fruit into thirds and while he handed Iwaizumi his portion immediately, he took time to peel the pith off of Hanamaki's portion before giving it to him. Iwaizumi noted this exchange silently; when he caught Matsukawa's eye, he just smirked and now Iwaizumi was the one being glared at.

"That's the point of sneaking someone out," Iwaizumi answered in a forceful whisper, peeling off one slice and popping it into his mouth. Hanamaki waved his hand; he brought his entire portion up to his mouth and Iwaizumi was both relieved and disappointed to see him use his teeth to peel off a slice instead of just eating a third of a satsuma all in one bite. "And it's not like I did it for the sole purpose of making you two meet up. He likes fireworks and I thought it would be nice for him to not have to watch them from his balcony."

"You're never that nice to me."

Hanamaki picked up one of the pith pieces and threw it at Iwaizumi. It fell halfway through, landed between them silently on the table.

Iwaizumi stared at him.

"Because you do shit like that."

"You're saying denka wouldn't do that?" Hanamaki drawled and Iwaizumi stiffened because Oikawa would absolutely do something like that, then throw a fit because of aerodynamics. "Although, seeing you two together like that definitely brought out a different side of him. I've never seen him talk so informally for so long," he remarked. "I've heard him slip up a sentence or two when he's talking with you, but that was an entire conversation…"

At this point, it was strange for Iwaizumi to hear Oikawa carry an entire conversation in the formal speech that most people only ever heard from him. It was amazing how easily he was able to switch between the two dictions because not only was it a matter of grammar, it was also subject matter; Oikawa could carry on an entire discussion of a kabuki show and analyze it against history, then five seconds later be talking about how he, at twenty five years old, was outsmarted by a frog.

Oikawa didn't phrase it that way; he'd describe it as a pursuit of sorts and Iwaizumi would snap that he'd been outsmarted and outrun by a frog.

"He's already more relaxed around you than he normally is, but that night…" Hanamaki shrugged. "He actually seemed like a normal person."

"Because he _is_ ," Iwaizumi pressed. He'd tried in the past to explain to Hanamaki and Matsukawa that they didn't need to be terrified of Oikawa, that once they knew him the way he would, they'd also realize that more than anything, Oikawa was just annoying.

His intentions were for both sides; he could see the way Oikawa's expression would fall slightly whenever his friends addressed him so formally and stiffly. Matsukawa was better at maintaining a poker face, but even he'd flinch every now and then if Oikawa slipped up; when Oikawa said something casually, most people wouldn't know how to respond and that reaction seemed to remind Oikawa painfully of just how detached they viewed him. Oikawa would quickly revert back to the persona they knew how to act around, emanate a quiet sadness that only Iwaizumi would be able to pick up on.

His heart ached for how lonely Oikawa had to feel. He also just wanted Hanamaki and Matsukawa to get along with him because Iwaizumi had three important people in his life and it felt like an odd strait dividing them. Hanamaki and Matsukawa were good people and Iwaizumi was firmly convinced that Oikawa's kindness in anyone's life would make it better, even despite the rest of his personality.

"Say what you want, you're the only one who can be that friendly with him," Matsukawa said with a shake of his head. "It's just not feasible for the rest of us."

"It's not like _he's_ against it," Iwaizumi retorted. "He'd like you two, I know he would. He's—"

"The prince," Matsukawa interjected and Iwaizumi fell silent. He tilted his head, dark tendrils of his hair brushing against his forehead as he did so. "You understand that more than anyone, Iwaizumi."

Iwaizumi was about to retort, but the door opened; Mizogushi stepped in and Matsukawa instinctively moved to try and block Hanamaki's view as much as he could. Mizogushi gave a slight smile and shook his head. "Don't worry, Matsukawa-san. Though it's not exactly within standard procedures, I don't see any particular issue with Hanamaki-san's presence here. Please enjoy your day."

Matsukawa thanked him quietly. Mizogushi seemed tired, Iwaizumi thought; he hadn't realized he was staring at him until Mizogushi caught his eye. Iwaizumi stiffened and gave a sharp nod when Mizogushi said his name, expression seeming pinched. "You're… not with denka?"

Oikawa was set to be in literature lessons all day. Iwaizumi noted he thought he was done with his education and Oikawa had sighed dramatically and said he was deceived into thinking that as well, but because of the upcoming festivals, he assumed the lessons were meant as reviews. _"Or it's heika trying to wear me down… I'd much rather read the tales myself than have Takeda-sensei drone on and on. Heika will be there too—"_

_"Really?" Iwaizumi asked in surprise, then apologized for interrupting._

_Oikawa shook his head, murmured that it was fine. "Yes. I was surprised too, but, well…"_

_He wrinkled his nose._

_"It's hard to say no to him when he directly requests something of you."_

With the Emperor present, there could easily be more guards than space would allow. Iwaizumi insisted he didn't mind being there—he was Oikawa's personal guard, after all—but Oikawa had smiled and thanked him for his dedication, but reassured that he would be fine. It would be an almost full-day ordeal, and he didn't want to subject Iwaizumi through it all if he didn't have to. _"Just stop by my room afterwards, all right? I'll need to talk to someone to unwind."_

_"Of course."_

"No," Iwaizumi answered. "He is with heika and Takeda-sensei and instructed me that he didn't need me at his side today."

"When did he say that?"

Iwaizumi was slightly taken back at the interrogation but cleared his throat. "This morning, right as I was to accompany him to the lecture hall."

Mizogushi gave a nod, but he held Iwaizumi's gaze in a way that had his stomach turning. Iwaizumi stared back at him for several more seconds before his eyes narrowed. "…Is there—"

"It's nothing. If denka says it, then it's fine," Mizogushi said and nodded. "Have a good day."

Mizogushi left the room as quickly as he entered and Iwaizumi was still staring at the spot where he'd been as Hanamaki commented how strange that exchange was. Matsukawa didn't say anything either and Iwaizumi drummed his fingers along the table for a few more seconds, finally returning his eyes to his hand.

Not even a full ten seconds later, Iwaizumi glanced at the clock. The cards Matsukawa dealt him were all aligned at the edges as he tapped the stack to the table and stared at the second hand moving. He rarely went a whole day without seeing Oikawa; it had been just a few hours, and Iwaizumi already found himself coming up with excuses to show up at the hall. Oikawa had been kind enough to offer him an out because he knew that while Iwaizumi enjoyed discussions with him, sitting through the detailed analysis that his lessons went into would numb his mind with boredom.

However, Oikawa also knew that Iwaizumi would be more than willing to do just that for him, which was why he'd told him to take the day off instead of offering him the choice.

"Iwaizumi, your—hey, what's up?"

"Nothing," Iwaizumi mumbled. He cleared his throat and fanned open his cards, pulling a face; he hadn't realized how bad his hand was. He skimmed his fingers over the top and tossed one into the pile, taking another. "Just… they should be at least taking a break for lunch soon."

"Are you worried about him? Because of Mizogushi-san's behavior?" Hanamaki asked with a frown that deepened when Iwaizumi scowled. As much as he teased, Hanamaki was still a good friend; if Iwaizumi was genuinely concerned, both he and Matsukawa would try to reassure him. However, when it came to Oikawa, Iwaizumi found it hard to accept solace in anyone's words and trusted only his own eyes. "He's with Mizogushi-san and probably half the Guard."

"Yeah, but that's why I'm worried," Iwaizumi grumbled. The lack of guards coming in and out of the common area was strange for this time of the day, he realized; the guards were broken into equal shifts and there were almost always at least two other people with the three of them. "Why are they all there?"

Matsukawa cleared his throat. Both Hanamaki and Iwaizumi looked at him; he fidgeted and bought time by taking a sip of his tea, then exhaling. "…I heard a rumor," he admitted in a low voice, "but it's a _rumor_. Don't tell anyone, all right? I haven't told you two because, well, Iwaizumi, I didn't want you to panic, but…"

He hesitated again and leaned in, motioned for Hanamaki and Matsukawa to do the same. "The… Crown Prince's caravan was attacked on the way to Edo."

" _What_?!"

"I just—shut up, Iwaizumi! Sit down! It's a rumor—if it's real, I'm sure denka would have told you!"

Except Iwaizumi could very much see Oikawa knowing this information but not telling him, expecting that it would cause him very necessary, very valid stress. Hanamaki stood and came around the table; he set Iwaizumi's chair back to its original position and threatened to kick the back of his knees if he didn't sit down, smirking slightly when Iwaizumi obliged shakily, eyes still staring blankly at nothing in particular. "Is… is everyone all right?"

"Nobody died," Matsukawa nodded, "at least from what I've heard. It's from a patrolman. If it's true, they're keeping it quiet for now to not cause panic, but… that's why there are more guards than usual with heika. Another group was dispatched early this morning to catch up with denka."

"Then… then Oikawa—"

"He has you."

"… _Except I'm sitting right here._ "

"Well, that's his—hey, Iwaizumi, where are you going—"

Iwaizumi shook his head, standing again and feeling his knees knock against each other. "I know it's just a rumor, but I'll stand outside the hall if I have to. Asshole doesn't know what's coming."

"…You have a strange way of showing you care, Iwaizumi…"

"Can't believe he calls the prince an asshole…"

Glaring at his friends, Iwaizumi mumbled he'd see them later, steps hurried as he left the common room. His heart leaped to his throat and his normally calm fingers fumbled as they slid his katana through his obi, the weight he was normally so accustomed to feeling harsh against his waist.

It couldn't just be a rumor, because these kinds of things weren't rumors. And there was no way that Oikawa didn't know; Iwaizumi had thought it odd that Oikawa had known about this lesson for the past week but decided to wait until the morning of to relieve Iwaizumi of his duties; Iwaizumi was berating himself mentally for not picking up on it earlier, that even _he'd_ fallen for Oikawa's pretty smiles and airy laughs.

The common room had felt so spacious and as soon as Iwaizumi was out of that wing of the palace, he realized even more that it was empty because everyone was _here_ in the main wings. Even more so, he realized it absolutely wasn't just a rumor; even if all the maids and guards hurrying around didn't know why, surely the higher ranked individuals all knew.

Slipping through the throngs of people, Iwaizumi's heart started to beat faster. His legs carried him easily through winding hallways, nodding when people greeted him. He was mostly met with smiles but a few of the higher ranked members of the Guard were surprised to see him and Iwaizumi guessed it was because he was alone.

_Stupid Oikawa… gonna kick his ass for this tonight._

Rounding the final corner to one of the smaller halls, Iwaizumi came to a stop. He'd passed by a few drawing rooms that were usually kept empty, but he saw almost all of them in use. He hadn't stopped to try and peek through any partially opened doors, but the ones that he could glance through let him know that there were hushed voices and discreet meetings happening.

Again, definitely not a rumor.

"Daichi-san," Iwaizumi greeted with a bow. Daichi, like others, stared at him. _You're not with denka?_ seemed to be the common thread of thought through the guards today, Iwaizumi noted, himself included. "Is it all right if I enter the hall to be at denka's side?"

"Of course," Daichi said, giving a nod and stepping aside.

Iwaizumi murmured his gratitude and took a deep breath, letting the expression fall from his lips. He knocked on the door a couple of times and waited for permission before opening the doors. Inhaling deeply through his nose, he stepped in and immediately bowed. "Heika. Denka. Takeda-sensei. I apologize for my intrusion and tardiness. I was wondering if I may stand in attendance."

Iwaizumi purposely didn't look directly at Oikawa, but he could see the pinched expression he wore from the corner of his eyes; it was one of the rare times he'd allow his annoyance to show on his features in public, taking advantage of the fact that both Haruhiro and Takeda weren't looking in his direction. Takeda glanced at Haruhiro; when he gave a curt nod, Takeda returned his gaze to Iwaizumi and gave a soft smile, nodding. "I don't see why not, Iwaizumi-san."

Iwaizumi nodded and stepped to a wall, still not looking directly at Oikawa. Once Takeda began reading again, he finally allowed his gaze to raise, seemingly at the exact same time Oikawa's did. Their eyes met and despite Iwaizumi's annoyance at Oikawa withholding information and Oikawa's annoyance most likely at Iwaizumi managing to find out, Oikawa's eyes twinkled. He raised an eyebrow, smirked for such a brief moment that Iwaizumi wondered if he'd imagined it.

_Can't stay away from me, Iwa-chan?_

Iwaizumi allowed a brief smirk to tug his lips before dropping the expression. He could be annoyed at Oikawa but pleased to see him at the same time; when it came to Oikawa, Iwaizumi almost always had conflicting emotions warring in his chest. He'd grown accustomed to it and when he knew that the feelings stemming from warmth in his chest always would win out, it was easy to just wait for it to happen.

Oikawa began to read. Iwaizumi's fingers twisted behind his back and he exhaled as quietly as he could, chills running down his spine. He spoke to Oikawa for hours almost every single day; he knew Oikawa's voice better than his own, he thought, and yet he'd never get used to hearing just how low and soothing it could be. He had a voice that people listened to and it was hard to reconcile this person, reading so calmly and soothingly, was the same person who would whine over slightly hardened mochi.

When he finished the passage, Iwaizumi glanced up instinctively, met Oikawa's twinkling eyes.

_Enjoying yourself, are you?_

Iwaizumi couldn't help the immediate reaction of rolling his eyes. He stiffened and dropped his gaze when he heard another member of the Guard shift. When a few seconds passed and he didn't hear a sharp reprimand, he looked up again, Oikawa also doing so at the exact same time. Iwaizumi didn't know how he always knew to look up when he did; there were so many things they did that seemed to be in sync and Iwaizumi couldn't explain the swell of pride he'd feel.

He was still annoyed with him, but hearing Oikawa's voice, seeing him there, it was hard for Iwaizumi to hold onto that feeling because his chest bloomed with something so warm that it reached from the crown of his head to the tips of his toes; everything in his body felt like it reacted to Oikawa's existence, even if he wasn't actively doing anything.

Oikawa's gaze locked with his and Iwaizumi smirked crookedly.

_Don't flatter yourself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry to be using oc's, but, well, motohira, the brother, doesn't play a large role, and haruhiro, the father, kind of takes the villain role and i don't want to villainize any canon characters so :( i apologize and will be keeping them as in the background as much as possible
> 
> when i think about how this fic is currently expected to span 18 chapters, i think, "why is this so long...?" then when i reread the individual chapters, i cannot help but think, "why is it so rushed...?" 
> 
> so i'm hoping that they balance each other out. thank you for reading!! kudos/comments appreciated ♡


	5. with everything i have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if there was one thing he had to thank the universe for, he thought, it was bringing iwaizumi to his side.

"Kozume-dono of Nekoma has arrived, along with his guard, Kuroo-san."

"Good afternoon," Oikawa greeted with a graceful smile. He held his hands slipped inside his sleeves as Kenma came down the steps into the courtyard, the clicking of wooden sandals to the deck a steady rhythm among the chirping birds and insects. Iwaizumi straightened from his bow and moved his hands behind his back, gaze even and expression neutral.

Kenma traveled with far fewer people than Iwaizumi would have expected. He'd seen a few Nekoma guards when escorting Oikawa to the courtyard but right now, only a tall, spiky-haired one was with him and a few others loitered by the doors; he swear he could _feel_ Oikawa smugly thinking _see, I should be allowed to only have one guard too_ and was already preparing his rebuttals.

Almost two weeks had passed, but security continued to be at an all time high. By now, Motohira should have arrived in Edo and while additional guards had been deployed to accompany on the journey back, there were still plenty left at the palace. Oikawa was visibly annoyed at having an entire gaggle follow him even when he was only going from his chambers to the courtyard, but Iwaizumi firmly refused to send them away.

_"They'd listen to you, Iwa-chan! Why do they listen to you but not me?"_

_"Because you're known as someone who tries to get rid of guards. Now shut up, Oikawa.'_

"I trust your journey was pleasant," Oikawa continued as Kenma slowed to a stop to bow, the person who Iwaizumi assumed was Kuroo following suit. Iwaizumi was used to meeting various lords; even if Oikawa didn't have to take an audience with them as much as his father or brother, he'd occasionally find his presence being requested. Iwaizumi wasn't sure what exactly they talked about as they played shogi and drank tea, but he did know that it wasn't anything that interested Oikawa. He'd smile and chat, but his eyes would dart around the courtyard when the other wasn't looking, half-lidded and dull. When he'd catch Iwaizumi's eye, he'd smirk and Iwaizumi would just glare at him.

"It was. Thank you, denka," Kenma murmured and straightened from his bow. He took a cursory glance around the courtyard, eyes sharp and quick before returning to Oikawa. His expression betrayed nothing and Iwaizumi couldn't tell if he was impressed or not with the flowers and well maintained greenery; most people would at least offer a comment and Iwaizumi found Kenma's neglect to do so refreshing. Oikawa tended to say more in thirty seconds than Kenma did in about ten minutes and Iwaizumi appreciated that everything he said had purpose and most of what Oikawa said did not. "Thank you for receiving us."

"Of course."

Oikawa normally met guests at the entrance or the drawing room. They'd spent the morning in this courtyard; Oikawa was, surprisingly, immediately ready to go when Iwaizumi reported to his chambers that morning. When Iwaizumi asked if there was a reason he wanted to head over immediately, he'd answered it was for the fresh air. When Iwaizumi pointed out his chambers had a balcony and windows, he'd waved his hand, said he felt like a change of scenery.

Once they arrived, the morning was spent reading and drinking tea, idly chatting as they did so. They'd also taken lunch in the courtyard as well; Oikawa had dismissed Iwaizumi to let him eat with Matsukawa, tone formal with the maids still coming in and out, but he'd shook his head, murmured that he'd like to stay with him. Oikawa had smiled and Iwaizumi's chest instantly bloomed with warmth.

Because the door could open at any time and the paper screens and walls weren't exactly soundproof, they'd both had to temper their words, _Iwa-chan_ and _Oikawa_ quiet murmurs that were overshadowed even by the sounds of pages turning. However, looks were silent and whenever Oikawa caught his eye, Iwaizumi's lips would instantly twitch into a smirk, something he'd had to actively think to repress once Kenma arrived.

Whenever a soft knock at the wooden panels would sound, Iwaizumi would immediately stand. Oikawa offered to be the one to answer at least one time but Iwaizumi glared, mumbled that would terrify the maids. As she handed him the tea, she quietly informed him that Kenma was close; Iwaizumi thanked her and prompted Oikawa, said that after another cup of tea they should probably move to the entrance. Oikawa had waved his hand, told him to ask for the advisors and guards to bring Kenma directly here. The door was still open, maids and advisors gathered expectantly. Nobody questioned him, but Iwaizumi did sense glances between the advisors. Oikawa wasn't one to repeat himself and Iwaizumi wasn't one to stand for anyone not respecting him immediately, so he'd glared, murmured, _"Please do as denka has asked."_

After they left, Iwaizumi then quietly noted this wasn't exactly customary and Oikawa smiled at him. He'd see, Oikawa explained cheerfully, because even if Kenma was a lord, he was still Kenma and would rather come directly to where they'd end up than waste time loitering in other rooms. With everyone gone, Oikawa refilled both their cups of tea, skimmed a breath over his before taking a tentative sip.

_"You know him, then?"_

_"A wise deduction, Iwa-chan."_

Iwaizumi had glowered lightly. He'd never met Kenma but even if he had, he certainly wasn't going to argue with Oikawa about how to receive his guests. He'd argue with him on a lot of things, but nothing he did as the prince.

"May I inquire what the nature of your visit is?" Oikawa asked, wearing a familiar smile that seemed just a touch more genuine than usual, Iwaizumi thought.

Kenma nodded. He glanced over his shoulder to his guard; Kuroo gave a nod and with one look dismissed the few others still at the entrance. Oikawa murmured _Iwaizumi-san_ softly and he did the same, cast his gaze to Daichi and Matsukawa by the door. Once it was just the four of them, Kenma took a deep breath. Iwaizumi wondered what he was going to say; what matter could he possibly have to discuss with Oikawa to dismiss everyone, and yet approach Oikawa instead of the Emperor?

"I'd like to play go with you, denka."

Iwaizumi blinked. He blinked again, then a third time, noted that during his three blinks, Kenma's guard had yet to blink. Iwaizumi caught his gaze and he smirked— _the asshole smirked_ —and Iwaizumi twitched.

He didn't know Kuroo at all, but he could already tell he was going to be a pain.

Oikawa received this request much more gracefully. He laughed good-naturedly and tilted his head. "You requested an audience with me and traveled a week from Nekoma to play go? I'm flattered, Kozume-dono."

Kenma nodded and this time when he looked up, Iwaizumi sensed the faintest of smirks.

"I was getting tired of beating my guard."

"…I truly apologize, Kozume-dono," Kuroo mumbled with a grimace that Iwaizumi smirked at, though his expression reverted quickly. Iwaizumi stood behind him, but based on the way Oikawa's head moved and how Kuroo immediately straightened, he could only assume where his gaze had landed and it brought him inexplicable smugness to watch something flicker through Kuroo's expression that leaned closer to fear than anything else.

Kenma's visit had been known for weeks; his purpose had been to meet with the Emperor. However, a few days before his arrival, a request came for him to also meet with Oikawa; Iwaizumi had been more visibly surprised than Oikawa, though he'd perfected his poker face long ago. He had smiled and asked the advisor if Kenma had provided a reason and he'd shook his head, apologized for not having an answer.

_"Odd," Iwaizumi noted after the advisor left. "I've never known a lord to request a meeting with a prince but not offer a reason. I'm surprised both his and our advisors let him get away with that."_

_"It's Kenma," Oikawa answered easily and Iwaizumi blinked at the familiar address. "You'll see when you meet him, Iwa-chan. Kenma doesn't do anything he doesn't want to and won't let anyone talk him into it._

_Oikawa glanced up, languid smirk stretching his lips._

_"Admirable, really."_

"I hear you've become the best player in the nation, denka," Kenma continued, his smirk so faint that Iwaizumi wasn't sure if it was just a result of the sun's lighting. "However, if you're busy—"

"Of course not," Oikawa smiled brightly. "I've cleared my schedule for you, after all. Iwa-chan—"

Iwaizumi visibly jolted at the nickname; he saw Kuroo's eyes widen as well and Kenma just blinked. "O-Oi—denka—"

"Please ask a maid to bring us a board," Oikawa continued and grinned at him. "You once said how you couldn't imagine a game going or more than three hours? You're about to see it now. Kenma's quite good."

Oikawa hesitated. He then turned back to Kenma and frowned. "Sorry, it has been a while since we spoke face to face… Kenma-san?"

"Kenma's fine," he answered. "I'll call you Oikawa-sama, though, at the very least."

Oikawa made a face. "Please don't."

"I will."

Oikawa sighed.

"…Fine."

Oikawa was so relaxed that Iwaizumi allowed himself to smile at the way he pouted. He crossed the distance from where he stood to the opposite deck; sliding open the door just enough for him to look through, he spotted a couple of the maids standing close, whispering to each other. They stopped immediately when they saw him, one of them blushing darker than the other. "Iwaizumi-san! Is there anything you need?"

"Would you please be able to bring us the goban from denka's chambers?" he asked. "Please also bring a fresh pot of tea and wagashi."

"Of course, Iwaizumi-san," the non-blushing one answered this time. They both bowed before hurrying off towards the hall, where they parted ways. Iwaizumi left the door open ajar as he turned, intending on waiting by the door until they returned. Kenma and Oikawa seemed to be talking, but as soon as Iwaizumi turned to face them, Oikawa's gaze went to him and he smiled.

"Kenma, you know, Iwaizumi-san's actually quite good at go as well."

Kenma turned to him and for the first time, Iwaizumi noted how he looked _just_ like a cat, with his wide golden eyes and studying gaze. Iwaizumi was more of a dog person, so he flinched at his sharp gaze, found himself fixing a few wrinkles he normally didn't care about. "Ah, is he? I suppose he has to be, if he plays with you. He's just as you described in your letters."

_Letters?_

"He is," Oikawa beamed. "I'm quite proud of him, though he's yet to win a game against me."

"That's easier said than done, denka," Iwaizumi grumbled and Oikawa just stuck his tongue at him. His expression reverted as soon as Iwaizumi stiffened, ears picking up the sounds of footsteps approaching. Iwaizumi turned as he heard a light rapping against the wooden panel. He slid open the door and nodded, murmured _thank you for your efficiency_. Taking the goban and pots of stones, he then stepped aside to let the one who'd blush darkly to enter the courtyard.

She bowed deeply to Oikawa and Kenma, stayed where she was as Iwaizumi walked over, setting the go board between where they sat on cushions at the edge of the deck. Oikawa and Kenma continued to converse, slipping back into _Kozume-dono_ and _denka_ easily. Iwaizumi glanced over and nodded; the maid bowed again and hurried over. He wondered if her arm shook under the tray because of the weight; Iwaizumi wordlessly reached out to gently take it from her and she squeaked a _thank you_. Her hands were still shaking as she set down the sweets and tea.

Iwaizumi asked if she was all right and her face turned even redder.

"Y-yes, Iwaizumi-san. Thank you for your concern."

He frowned and nodded. "Thank you, again. Please close the door on your way out."

"Yes, Iwaizumi-san. Denka, Kozume-dono," she murmured and bowed again. Kenma gave a curt nod and Oikawa smiled again; Iwaizumi returned the tray to her and busied himself with placing the bowl of white stones by Oikawa and black to Kenma.

Kenma stared at him and Iwaizumi flinched. "I-I apologize if I offended you, I—"

"Oh, it's okay, Iwa-chan, that's just how Kenma looks at people. He's not mad. Right, Kenma?"

"Right."

Iwaizumi apologized again anyway after another moment and glared lightly at Oikawa. He straightened to leave but felt Oikawa tug at his sleeve almost immediately; his head turned to see him holding out one of the daifuku with a smile. "Here you go. You like these the best, right?"

It was Iwaizumi's turn for his cheeks to pink. He gave a nod and thanked Oikawa quietly, taking the sweet from him. Oikawa's grasp on his sleeve lingered for just a moment longer before he let go, left Iwaizumi with a quieter, more lopsided smile before his gaze was back to Kenma and he asked if he or Kuroo wanted one.

Kenma nodded. "Kuro," he called and his head jerked up—had he fallen asleep?—and was at Kenma's side immediately. "Do you want one?"

Kuroo blinked a few times and cleared his throat. "…No, that's all right."

Kenma nodded. "He'll have this one."

Iwaizumi watched Kuroo pull another face, but he thanked Oikawa quietly, taking one of the yubeshi Kenma had gestured towards. He caught Iwaizumi's eye and gave a dry smirk that Iwaizumi instinctively didn't trust and his eye twitched suspiciously, unable to help but scowl at him. He smirked way too often at someone he hasn't exchanged words with; Iwaizumi didn't trust that. At least Oikawa had the decency to speak to him before he started with the suspicious expressions.

"You really do call him Iwa-chan," Kenma noted and Iwaizumi blinked, stared at Oikawa. "I thought that was just what you'd refer to him as."

"It's cute, isn't it?"

"Don't tell me you're still giving people strange nicknames… when you were a kid, it was fine, but as the prince, it's probably unnerving."

"It's all in good fun," Oikawa shook his head. "I'd call you Ken-chan if you weren't so opposed to it. And… Kuroo-san, is it? You call him Kuro?"

Kuroo nodded. "Yes, denka."

Oikawa slotted his gaze to Kuroo, tilted his head. "Full name, if I may ask?"

"Kuroo Tetsurou, denka."

Oikawa nodded matter-of-factly. "All right. Tetsu-chan."

Kuroo tensed immediately. "Te—"

Kenma had bowed his head, brought a sleeve-covered hand to his mouth. Iwaizumi watched the way Kuroo's gaze darted and he visibly relaxed, gave a lazy smirk and bowed lightly. "…Yes, denka."

Oikawa seemed far too pleased with himself and Iwaizumi hated the power that Kuroo had just given him. Oikawa and Kenma started to play after they each had a mochi; Iwaizumi and Kuroo retired to a spot a bit away from them and closer to the doors the maids had entered and exited through. It was one of the smaller courtyards, but Iwaizumi had never thought it was cramped. The sounds from the small waterfall and pond were enough to drown out the quiet murmurs of conversation and well-kept plants attracted birds, insects creating a chorus of melodies. Large stones established a clear path through the area, but the grass was just as easy to walk through. He'd occasionally see small animals running through and Iwaizumi wondered just where exactly they came from to begin with.

"Iwaizumi-san, is it?"

Iwaizumi nodded. "It's good to meet you, Kuroo-san."

Kuroo turned out to be more annoying than Iwaizumi's instinct had warned him, decided after just a few minutes of chatting; he instantly saw similarities between his personality and Oikawa's, and yet he didn't have that specific Oikawa charm to fully offset it. Nonetheless, he was glad for his company; had it been anyone else, Iwaizumi had a feeling they wouldn't be able to relax so quickly, despite Oikawa having set the precedent.

The past few weeks had been peaceful. Oikawa had been right; the literature lesson was painfully boring and Iwaizumi's jaw ached from the repressed yawns, his forearms sporting bruises from the way he'd pinch himself to stay alert. Iwaizumi had escorted Oikawa back to his chambers afterwards; Oikawa asked the maids to bring their dinners to them and once they were inside his room with the doors closed, Iwaizumi almost immediately started berating Oikawa for not telling him about the attack, that he was his _guard_.

_"I know," Oikawa answered surprisingly easily, not at all perturbed by Iwaizumi's admonishments. He smiled and shed the outermost kimono he wore. Iwaizumi's cheeks flushed and he looked away, even when Oikawa laughed and reassured he had at least three more layers on. Nevertheless, Iwaizumi could tell based on shadows that Oikawa had gone behind a screen to finish changing into more casual robes. "I didn't want Iwa-chan to panic though. Besides, my father would be there, it's not as if I wouldn't be protected. I wanted Iwa-chan to have one last relaxing day before everyone started stressing out."_

_"You still should've—" Iwaizumi paused and shook his head, eyes fixated on the ornate carvings of the table. "…I would have liked to have known, still, even if you had good intentions. Mizogushi-san seemed surprised that I was just sitting in a room, eating satsuma and playing cards, and now I can see why."_

_Iwaizumi had been able to sense that Oikawa was approaching him because his skin prickled even before the smell of incense and his radiating warmth were apparent. Iwaizumi felt a tap to the inside of his wrist and was met with Oikawa smiling when he looked over. "Shall we play go tonight, Iwa-chan?"_

_He gave a tired nod; they took a seat on the cushions on either side of the goban. Iwaizumi picked up the pot of white stones for himself and set the other of black stones in front of Oikawa. Oikawa hummed as he removed the lid. "Besides, Iwa-chan managed to find out anyway, and then had his entire day ruined by readings and analyses of Kojiki… see, I really was trying to spare you. Next week we'll be covering the Nihon Shoki, would you care to join us then as well?"_

_"Of course," Iwaizumi answered immediately._

_Oikawa wrinkled his nose. "Iwa-chan, dare I say you take your guard duties far too seriously—"_

_"I'm not just there as your guard," Iwaizumi interrupted. He took a white stone and placed it down confidently. As the sound of slate to wood echoed in the confines of the chamber, he raised his gaze to meet Oikawa's. "I'm there as your friend too."_

_Oikawa stared at him for a few beats. He was still, and yet he seemed like he was inhaling; something was lighting behind his eyes, culminating in the warm, lopsided smile that graced his lips. Oikawa gave a small nod as he set down a black stone with less fervor than Iwaizumi did, though his fingers lingered on the piece for a moment too long._

_"…All right, then. I won't argue with that," Oikawa said quietly and Iwaizumi relaxed with a nod. His smile lingered and then Oikawa's head tilted. "That was also an interesting first move."_

_Iwaizumi hesitated. "Interesting as in—"_

_"Not… the move I would have made."_

_Iwaizumi frowned; if in a nineteen by nineteen size board there was actually a_ bad _spot to start and Iwaizumi had managed to find it, he figured he should take note to avoid doing so in the future._

_He made a face and Oikawa laughed._

_"…I'll remember that."_

"Did you know they knew each other?" Iwaizumi asked, reached for another piece of mochi. Oikawa, surprisingly, wasn't the biggest fan of wagashi; Iwaizumi had once asked why, and Oikawa answered that he had no good reason beyond preferring dango and simpler mochi. Iwaizumi didn't press him further, though his answer made sense as soon as he said it. Kenma had also had a few and then murmured that he was finished; Iwaizumi wouldn't complain about having the plate for him and Kuroo to share, their hot cups of tea set next to them carefully.

"Vaguely," Kuroo answered, arms crossed over his chest as he watched them. "I knew denka and Kenma exchanged letters, but I hadn't realized they were actually friends… though, it appears denka has a tendency of striking up friendships with those around him," Kuroo then added, slated his eyes over to smirk at Iwaizumi, who glared tiredly. Kuroo returned his gaze to the two. "Not that I doubted either denka's reputation or Kenma's rare praise, but… he's really good. I've never seen Kenma concentrate so much."

"Have you seen him play anyone besides yourself?" Iwaizumi mumbled.

"…We haven't even known each other an hour and you're already vaguely insulting me? I think I'm going to like you, Iwaizumi-san."

Iwaizumi smirked and then cast his gaze across the courtyard as well, could see Kenma and Oikawa talking, but couldn't quite make out what they were saying. Oikawa was always able to converse easily and play at the same time; there'd be times during games where he'd be in the middle of explaining the historical significance and parallels of last night's kabuki show to some ancient text, all while making his move to lock in his win without even hesitating. Iwaizumi still looked forward to the day where he'd challenge Oikawa enough that he wouldn't be able to play so effortlessly, but he'd also admit that he was proud of how good he was. He'd even watched Oikawa beat the Grand Marshal of the Imperial Army once; Iwaizumi nearly drew blood from biting his lip so hard to keep from smirking.

As Oikawa played Kenma, though, Iwaizumi could already tell he was of a different caliber. They conversed, but their lips would still when it was their turn, and even Oikawa would take more than a few seconds to ponder his next move. But when he'd move his piece and Kenma would scowl a few seconds later, Iwaizumi couldn't help but smirk anyway. That being said, this was also one of the rare times where he'd see Oikawa raise an eyebrow and smile, flick his gaze up and murmur something, Kenma hardly responded but based on the way Oikawa would then study the board for several seconds, Iwaizumi assumed it was to praise him on his last move.

"Iwaizumi-san, may I ask you something?"

Oikawa had trained Iwaizumi very well to prepare for a personal question if he had to preface it with requesting permission and so Iwaizumi heaved a sigh but gave a nod. "Unlike with denka, I can't promise an answer."

"First, this isn't the question I meant, but I can't imagine you actually call him denka all the time when he calls you Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi hesitated. His fingers twitched and he pressed his lips into a thin line. He was a honest person, but for Oikawa, he'd do anything, including lying-why was Kuroo asking this? He wondered, brow knitting. He glanced at Oikawa again, saw the way he smiled at Kenma and relaxed because Iwaizumi trusted Oikawa and if he trusted Kenma, who trusted Kuroo, then, Iwaizumi supposed, answering just this question wouldn't be betraying any imperial secrets.

"I don't," Iwaizumi replied finally, "but he's much more at liberty to call me whatever he wants, whenever he wants."

Kuroo laughed. "That's a fair point. And the question I was going to ask is that you seem to be very close with him."

Iwaizumi's breath caught in his throat. His instinct told him that Kuroo didn't have bad intentions, and yet he didn't know Kuroo enough to trust his instinct as a person over his gut feelings as a guard. He immediately stiffened. "…As his guard, I'm—"

"I'm close to Kenma," Kuroo offered quietly, voice dropping even lower despite the volume they'd been speaking at easily masked by the sounds of birds and water. Iwaizumi looked at him warily. "I'm not trying to trip you up, Iwaizumi-san. I'm asking because the way you look at denka is the way I look at Kenma."

Kuroo's smile remained easy while Iwaizumi's eyes widened; how was it that Kuroo had been the one to admit something, and yet Iwaizumi was feeling a flush on the back of his neck? He cleared his throat and tore his gaze away; his frown deepened, but his posture relaxed and his fingers squeezed his arms for a moment, ultimately sighing. "…Yeah. We're… friends," he said quietly.

"I'm glad," Kuroo remarked quietly. He shrugged when Iwaizumi looked at him questioningly. "From what I know, Kenma met him when they were around ten and saw each other every few years at whatever events the then Kozume-dono brought him to. He kept in touch with denka through letters, but I didn't realize they were more than acquaintances until Kenma decided to extend his stay. He doesn't like to be away from home, so I was surprised."

"Oikawa-sama is the kind of person who can befriend anyone, as long as they give him the opportunity," Iwaizumi said without thinking, eyes softening. "He'll be kind to anyone but few people are willing to try and see past his title, so I'm glad Kozume-dono is a friend."

Kuroo hummed in a way that annoyed Iwaizumi, so he glared. "What."

"So you still use an honorific, huh?"

It took Iwaizumi a moment to realize what Kuroo was referring to; once he could hear the way he'd said _Oikawa-sama_ without thinking twice about it, he inhaled sharply. Kuroo grinned and shook his head, reassured him he had nothing to worry about. "Guess it makes sense. I may call him Kenma, but the prince… ahh, that might be too big a jump."

Kuroo tilted his head. "I don't think he'd mind, though. Kenma… doesn't have many friends, but it's by choice. He's close to me and Shoyo-dono and some other lords in Nekoma, but it's still a fairly small circle. He doesn't like being around a lot of people at once, so it works out this way. Based on what you said…"

Kuroo hummed and pursed his lips out in a frown. "I clearly don't know denka on a personal level, but I know Kenma cares for him and you do too. I think if you addressed him without that honorific, it would make him happy. Just my speculation."

Iwaizumi frowned, bought himself some time by eating another mochi, chewed as slowly as he could without it being incredibly obvious he was putting off responding. He dusted his hands of the excess powder and took a sip of tea before sighing, unsure why he even kept amusing Kuroo with answers. He wasn't trustworthy at all, and, yet, Iwaizumi found himself doing so. Suspicious but kind, he thought, that was a good way to describe Kuroo.

Also a good way to describe Oikawa, honestly.

"Are you always this personal with people you've just met?" Iwaizumi grumbled at last and Kuroo laughed easily.

"I am, actually. It helps that I know how close Kenma is to him, it almost makes me feel like I'm close to him too. And if you are too, as his friend, there shouldn't be a need to call him with his honorific, right?"

"…We met as friends when we were kids," Iwaizumi admitted, "but he's the prince."

His eyes found their way back to Oikawa again and Iwaizumi found himself tracing his silhouette of the silks draped over his body, his hair catching specks of sunlight between the strands, his skin reflecting the light wonderfully so, his dark eyes focused on the pieces, his lithe fingers drumming against the table, his chin at the end of his sharp jaw buried in his free hand and for just a moment, Iwaizumi forgot how to breathe.

It was ridiculous, unfair, and just evil of the universe to make Oikawa so good looking while also imbuing him with that personality, Iwaizumi thought.

He swallowed thickly. "…He's the prince," he repeated quietly. "And I'm his guard."

"Right," Kuroo said.

"...But you met him first as your friend, right?"

There was a rustling from a tree as a bird emerged from the branches, brightly colored wings spread as it took flight into a cloudless sky. In its wake, leaves slowly danced to the ground and yet Iwaizumi focused only on the perfectly still Oikawa, ignored all the movement that existed around him. His brow remained knit; it did so more and more as he and Kenma kept playing and Iwaizumi had a gut feeling it wasn't only because of the way the game was progressing.

Kuroo's next words lingered in Iwaizumi's mind, even long after he glared at him and changed the subject. To Kuroo's credit, he followed suit gracefully, didn't try to double back on a conversation that Iwaizumi was clearly finished having with him. The rest of the afternoon was spent talking about the types of wagashi they liked, moving onto samurai legends they'd both liked and even literature, all things that Iwaizumi talked about with Oikawa and it was nice to be seeing a different perspective, though nobody ever challenged him as much as Oikawa did.

Between their conversations, Iwaizumi found his gaze lingering on Oikawa; his smiles grew more fleeting, his eyes become a bit more dull, things that he wouldn't think Kenma or Kuroo would pick up, but were so obvious to Iwaizumi that he'd considered making up an emergency so Oikawa could be left alone.

But before he had finished formulating an excuse, they'd finished the game; Iwaizumi was on his feet immediately and Kuroo followed. Oikawa had won and then murmured he forgot he had some matters to attend to, hopefully he'd be able to see Kenma again before he left, would Iwaizumi be all right cleaning up?

Iwaizumi nodded and Oikawa was gone before he could try and stop him, steps even and expression neutral. Just moments after Oikawa turned after stepping through the door, he saw Daichi and Matsukawa hurry after him, both glancing at him questioningly.

"Would you like Kuroo-san to help you clean up, Iwaizumi-san?" Kenma asked and Iwaizumi shook his head, hinging at the waist after turning to face him.

"No, it's all right, Kozume-dono, but thank you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you."

Kenma shook his head; he thanked him again and after Kuroo smirked one last time, they left. Iwaizumi quietly cleaned up the board as the maids came in, bustling around to clean up the tea and plates. Iwaizumi smiled faintly whenever they addressed him and reassured they weren't getting in his way at all, that he was probably the one being a nuisance.

The same maid who blushed so heavily turned even more red.

Once Iwaizumi was finished, he picked up the pots and the goban, made his way back to Oikawa's chambers and even when he entered and saw him again, quietly informed him that he was expected for some tea before dinner. Oikawa gave a hollow smile that Iwaizumi didn't like, but a knock came at the door before he could even start to try and unpack the reasoning behind it.

Iwaizumi opened the door to see Matsukawa, who bowed immediately. "Denka, Sakusa-dono is here."

Iwaizumi stared at him for so long that Matsukawa actually broke eye contact with Oikawa to glance at him questioningly. He barely managed to mask his flinch and nodded. "...Right. Thank you, Matsukawa-san."

Giving a sigh, he turned to face Oikawa and even though it was only Hanamaki, pulled his shoulders back and held his hands behind his back. "Denka, would you like me to request for Sakusa-dono to wait?"

"It's all right, I'm ready now," Oikawa said. He set down a cup and Iwaizumi wasn't convinced it was tea until he saw steam continue to curl, disappearing from existence after relief bloomed in his chest. Slipping his hands inside his sleeves once again, his steps slowed when he was by Iwaizumi, looked at him with that perfectly symmetrical smile that instantly had Iwaizumi's stomach dropping because while Oikawa smiled like this at almost everyone, he certainly didn't smile like that at _him_.

"Shall we, Iwaizumi-san?"

Iwaizumi nodded, eyes lingering on Oikawa, fingers twitching behind his back.

"Yes, denka."

* * *

Oikawa wasn't sure how Iwaizumi knew to, but he knocked on his door later that night.

After spending the afternoon with Kenma, it had been tea and dinner with Sakusa who, by all accounts, was one of the more pleasant lords that he'd occasionally have to see. He was quiet and well-mannered; Oikawa found their conversations a tad boring, but that had less to do with Sakusa being who he was and more with Oikawa's general disenchantment with everything. Iwaizumi was by his side the rest of the evening, though they didn't share as many words or glances, having his presence close to him was Oikawa's one comfort.

He'd neglected to ask Iwaizumi to stop by because he'd been lost in his own thoughts, realized only after he'd left dinner with Sakusa. Iwaizumi normally accompanied him, but he'd been caught up in a conversation with Mizogushi. Oikawa hadn't thought twice about it and, because he was both physically and mentally exhausted, had just wandered out of the hall and towards his chambers. When he arrived at his doors, he realized that both Matsukawa and Daichi had followed him; he'd given them a tired smile and thanked them before retreating behind the privacy of closed doors.

Normally if he didn't invite Iwaizumi over, he'd include a reason, such as being tired or other matters to attend to and realized maybe that was why Iwaizumi sought him out: he recognized that Oikawa's mind was elsewhere. They'd been doing this for years and though they'd reached a point where Oikawa didn't always have to explicitly verbalize his invitation, Iwaizumi was always sure to wait for Oikawa to indicate or he would ask. He'd seldom show up at Oikawa's door with absolutely no warning; if he did so, it was always because someone was looking for him or Iwaizumi had something regarding imperial matters to tell him.

A knock came at the door and he sighed.

"Please enter."

Oikawa didn't need to look to confirm that it was Iwaizumi, he could tell based on footsteps alone, the way he took care to close the door quietly behind him, nobody else ever managing to do so as softly as Iwaizumi could. His knock came hours later; Oikawa was used to this pattern and it was also when he realized he'd been frozen to the spot by his window that entire time.

"Denka," Iwaizumi murmured and Oikawa turned to face him, saw concern creased his brow.

Oikawa gave a tired smile. "Iwaizumi-san," he returned teasingly, but folded an arm over his chest and leaned against the windowsill casually. He picked up the half-finished cup of sake with his free hand and took another small sip, purposely avoiding Iwaizumi's gaze. "Is there a reason you're here, Iwa-chan?" he asked delicately, gazing evenly out the window. "I don't mind, of course. Maybe you picked up something from watching Kenma and me play this afternoon—"

"Are you all right?"

As seldom as Iwaizumi would show up at Oikawa's door without forewarning, he interrupted Oikawa even less when they weren't bantering. Oikawa didn't mind this interruption though; he turned his head, offered Iwaizumi his side profile and an empty smile. "Why do you ask?" he murmured softly.

Iwaizumi paused. Oikawa took the beat of silence to gaze out his window again; his room overlooked the back garden and he'd spent countless hours growing up just gazing at the ripples in the pond, moon's reflection brought to life with the movement. He'd occasionally see a crane take flight, its shadow contrasting against the bright luminescence of the moon. He'd always thought his room had the best view of the nighttime sky and when he was younger. Oikawa, despite not being a morning person, tended to stay up late, would often lose himself watching the stars twinkle across the sky, wondered how far they were, marveled at how many there were.

There was so much he didn't know, he thought.

He took another sip of his sake, finishing the cup as he waited for Iwaizumi to respond. Licking his lips, he held it pressed lightly to his lips.

"You've been quiet today, especially after your game with Kozume-dono," Iwaizumi answered at last. "Should I be concerned?"

Oikawa smiled into his empty cup at Iwaizumi noticing the shift in his mood. There hadn't been very much time for Iwaizumi and Oikawa to talk privately before they parted ways for the night, and yet Iwaizumi had picked up how he was feeling anyway, managing to listen to his heart and ignore his polite conversations and chiming laughs, few as they were with someone like Sakusa. He wasn't surprised; Iwaizumi always told Oikawa that he was very perceptive, but what was to be said about the person who was perceptive of _him_?

Oikawa would normally make it through his dinners and conversations just fine; topics were generally limited to literature and arts and Oikawa did have an appreciation for them. However, he and Kenma had actually discussed social and political matters. Oikawa considered himself to be relatively conscious of what was happening, but conversing with Kenma led him to realize just how little he knew.

He wasn't expected to know every nuance in every province, but listening to the sheer breadth of knowledge that Kenma had was overwhelming. After an afternoon like that, being asked about the same three kabuki plays and talking about Rinpa artists when Oikawa's mind was still focused on the urbanization effort and foreign trade relations was jarring. His days were filled with art and literature and as beautiful as they were, Oikawa found himself wondering _what was the point?_

Their game had lasted almost four hours and Oikawa won in the end, but it felt like a shallow victory.

Oikawa pressed his lips into a thin line and his head bowed slightly. His index finger curled, nail scraping against the smooth porcelain. "…Kenma's a pretty big deal, you know," Oikawa said at last. He turned, leaned against the windowsill and smiled at Iwaizumi. "It's hard to think that the boy I met when I was ten has turned out to be one of the most influential lords in the nation. He's responsible for the wellbeing of thousands of people… they come to him for help, he makes decisions that directly influence their livelihoods, he keeps the peace in his province, he…"

Oikawa trailed off and looked down at the floor.

"…He's doing something that matters. People depend on him and look up to him and… all I'm really good for is a game of go. That, and polite, idle conversation about plays and art."

His hand started to shake with his grip on the small sake cup and he set it down with a shuddered breath. Oikawa kept so many of his thoughts to himself throughout the day that on the most stressful ones, a private conversation with Iwaizumi was all that kept his chest feeling elastic, otherwise he swore it would burst with everything he kept repressed. With Iwaizumi, there was so little that he wasn't comfortable saying; he'd say everything he really thought and Iwaizumi would listen, make his little quips and comments, bring laughter to replace the pressure behind his sternum.

But right now, admitting what had been besetting him all evening hadn't been as cathartic as he'd thought. All day after he and Kenma parted ways, Oikawa had been trying to form into words the unsettling, nausea he felt in the pit of his stomach and once he'd assigned them to a reason, not only did the feeling not lessen, the thoughts ricocheted in his mind. And now, voicing them, bringing them to life through sound, left him even more nauseous still, even if only Iwaizumi was here to hear it.

He pressed his lips into a thin line, felt them going numb and almost immediately closed his eyes. He could hear his heart beating in his chest and with the rhythm, it seemed as if white danced in his eyes. Oikawa's breathing grew shallow and he was starting to lose himself in the blindingly hot rage that his nausea had turned into, when Iwaizumi's low, quiet voice cut through everything with just a murmur of his name.

"Oikawa."

Oikawa looked up with a start; warmth and sensation returned to his cheeks as he watched Iwaizumi sit at the table they were usually at, setting up a board calmly, gaze flicking up to meet his.

"Then we'll pay shogi tonight."

It took Oikawa a moment to realize what he was saying; he watched the way Iwaizumi's fingers smoothly and adeptly set up the board. Once he was finished, his eyes raised once again to meet Oikawa's, waited patiently. Oikawa inhaled one last time and gave his first genuine smile since evening fell, laughing quietly as he took a seat across from Iwaizumi. His legs were shaking and steps light and tentative, afraid any movement would cause his frail knees to buckle, but as long as he kept his eyes focused on Iwaizumi, he trusted his body to bring him there.

He took a seat, gave the same tired but true smile. "Iwa-chan can go first."

Iwaizumi was the sunshine that filtered through immediately after storm clouds, the breath of fresh air he used the last of his energy to burst through the water for. He was the soft breeze on a spring day and the first flurries of snowfall; he was everything that made Oikawa happy to be alive. Iwaizumi didn't even realize how comforting his existence was; he never had to consciously do anything, and yet had saved Oikawa over and over again. It seemed that whenever he felt overwhelmed, Iwaizumi just _knew_ and he would be there, and just his presence would be enough to remind Oikawa how to breathe again.

Oikawa tilted his head and Iwaizumi smirked. "I know what you're thinking, Oikawa, but honestly, the advantage barely helps me. One day it will."

Twice in a row now, he thought, Iwaizumi had called him just _Oikawa_ twice in a row and such a simple gesture squeezed his heart wonderfully.

Oikawa nodded and moved his pawn. Iwaizumi did as well. Oikawa then moved his bishop. Iwaizumi moved his knight.

Oikawa's half lidded eyes softened with a small smile meant only for Iwaizumi as he picked up his silver general. "Iwa-chan," Oikawa said quietly and set down the piece gracefully, "did you know you always move the middle pawn first, and then you always move your right knight?"

"Yeah," came the answer and Oikawa looked up in genuine surprise, blinking. Iwaizumi shrugged. "I figure the first two moves probably won't make or break a game."

"Is there a reason it's always those two?" Oikawa asked, lips twitching. Shogi was a game where every move counted, every move was calculated, every move mattered; that's what he'd been taught, and that was the mindset he played with, but as usual, Iwaizumi challenged his status quo without quite intending to.

"Middle pawn is just because the first move… is generally a pawn anyway. And the knight is to protect him."

"A pawn? Most people sacrifice those without thinking twice about it."

Iwaizumi gave a small shrug. "I like to at least try and save all the pieces I can. I know it's not the best mindset to play with—"

"No," Oikawa interrupted and his smile widened, heart swelled with something so pure it rid the anxiety that had stifled him the entire night. He laughed and shook his head again. "It's… I think that's a good mindset. It's very befitting of Iwa-chan."

Oikawa's gaze returned to the board. "It's like I'm Iwa-chan's pawn and he's the knight," he said quietly and when he glanced up and saw the way Iwaizumi stiffened, his grin widened to realize that at some point, Iwaizumi may have thought that too. "You think I'm just a pawn?" he teased. "Mean…"

"N-no, of course not, it's—"

"I am," Oikawa said quietly and Iwaizumi's stammering fell silent. He took a moment to chew on the inside of his lip; the pause between Iwaizumi's move and his wasn't because he was strategizing. Oikawa moved his rook and then pulled his hand back with a sigh; he leaned back in his chair and leaned his head against the wall, half-lidded eyes watching the board. He'd left the window cracked open and felt the breeze caressing his hair, light strands tickling the shell of his ear and the nape of his neck. Oikawa crossed his arms, closed his eyes and sighed.

"…Are you happy with the life you're born into?"

He heard the way Iwaizumi inhaled sharply, surprised, hand suspended in mid-air as he looked up to meet Oikawa's opened eyes. "…I'm sorry?" he asked.

Oikawa gave a brief smile and rounded his shoulders. "…We live in a society where it's impossible to move up or down the classes, and what profession you go into is decided before you're even born because it's hereditary," Oikawa said in a voice barely above a whisper, but growing more strained because each word left his heart feeling more and more constricted. "It… doesn't matter what you _want_ to do. It doesn't even matter what you're _good_ at. It's all preordained and chosen for you, and there's nothing you can do to change it."

He swallowed. "Are… you happy with that?"

Iwaizumi stared at him for another moment and when he wordlessly stood, gently adjusted his hakata to rid it of wrinkles, Oikawa smiled faintly and cast his eyes downwards. He heard his footsteps, soft and quiet, trace the distance over to the dresser where a teapot laid. There were a few quiet clinks followed by the sound of Iwaizumi returning to the table. Oikawa closed his eyes, waited as he heard a familiar sound of pouring, a pause, then more pouring. A cup slid across a table and, finally, the teapot was set down.

Oikawa opened his eyes, reached forward and brought the cup to his lips. He took just one small sip before opting to instead use the warmth for his hands, the ajar window bringing a slight chill and numbness to the tips of his fingers. Iwaizumi wasn't one to overthink what he said; everything he said was what he meant and with no second meanings, and that honesty was one of the things Oikawa loved about him. He spent his time around people who were afraid to upset him or afraid for him to know the truth, and Iwaizumi was the only one who he could ever fully trust.

The fact that he hadn't said anything meant he was processing Oikawa's question; he was running through Oikawa's question over and over again in his mind, connecting it to his behavior, trying to think of anything else that could be related to it. Iwaizumi picked up on almost everything and he was patient enough to wait until Oikawa offered him enough hints for him to figure out the whole picture; he'd never pushed him before he was ready and Oikawa would never know how he was able to strike that balance every single time.

"I never thought about it," Iwaizumi said finally. Oikawa had one hand supporting the bottom of his cup while Iwaizumi rested his on his knee, fingers holding it by the edges. "I… don't know if it's because I was lucky and I think that what I do suits me, but I never thought of it that way."

"Then what do you think about it?" Oikawa asked quietly. It was his turn now, but he made no indication to move.

Iwaizumi frowned for a moment and Oikawa watched him trace the rim of his cup with his finger. "What I was taught," Iwaizumi started slowly, "is that… we each have a role in society to fulfill. My role is to protect and defend the Throne. That was my father's and if I have kids, that'll be their role too. And because everyone has a role, that's why our society is able to function. What I do is my duty for the greater good and stability, which is why I'm proud of it."

Oikawa nodded and didn't press further. He felt Iwaizumi watching him and finally made his move. Iwaizumi followed almost immediately; Oikawa didn't need to take long to deduce there was no strategy behind that move, he'd done it for the sake of his turn. Slightly amused, Oikawa made another move; he was two from winning and considered just drawing it out. The clicking of the pieces was soothing; this was a sound Oikawa had grown up around with a person he'd grown up with and yet the supposed comfort of familiarity left him shaken at how nothing had really changed at all.

Iwaizumi's hand reached out; he took his bishop but when Oikawa didn't hear it being set down, he looked up, watched Iwaizumi roll it between his fingers, digging the corners into the pads of his fingers after a moment.

"…This is more than about marriage, isn't it?" he asked quietly, watching him studiously.

Oikawa gazed back evenly, eventually giving a small smile. "Your move," he reminded gently and when Iwaizumi set down his bishop (illegally, actually), Oikawa sighed and made his in just a few seconds. "I do think Iwa-chan is well suited for this line of work. He's more loyal and devoted than anyone I know," he continued. "Mm… I suppose Iwa-chan could move up the ranks… he'd be good as captain of the Guard."

"It's not that easy," Iwaizumi grumbled. "Classes are hereditary. A lot of positions within classes are as well."

"So you've thought about it?" Oikawa teased with a smile. "Don't lie to me. I can tell, you know."

Iwaizumi scoffed weakly; his evasion was a response all in itself. "Have you thought about being emperor?" he returned.

Oikawa's breath caught in his throat; Iwaizumi seemed to have noticed because he immediately apologized and Oikawa shook his head. "You don't have anything to apologize for—"

Iwaizumi shook his head. "I didn't mean to imply—"

"No, it's fine," Oikawa reassured and smiled. "Really, Iwa-chan, you have to know by now that nothing you say to me will ever come back to harm you—"

"It's not that," Iwaizumi interrupted quietly, his brow furrowed. "…It's your reaction. I thought I was pushing it too far."

A beat of silence.

Oikawa stared at him, tried to fully grasp the weight of what Iwaizumi's reasons had been for his reaction. "…Your first thought was hurting my feelings and not something that could be misinterpreted as _treason_?" Oikawa asked slowly. " _Those_ are your priorities? Not trying to clarify you weren't if I was plotting to steal the throne from my brother, but… that you were afraid of asking me something too _personal_?"

Iwaizumi stared back at him and as the weight of Oikawa's words settled between them, his entire face turned red. As his cheeks lit with the blush, Oikawa's laughter bubbled from the base of his throat to past his lips; he couldn't help the peals of laughter, his hand raised to his mouth doing little to quell them. Iwaizumi groaned loudly and Oikawa just laughed harder, his shoulders rounding as they shook.

"That's—that's not it— _stop_ , Oikawa, that's not funny—"

Oikawa apologized but he was still smiling from feeling so _charmed_ by Iwaizumi. There was no way Iwaizumi would ever betray either him or the Throne, Oikawa knew, but imagining him choosing Oikawa over an entire nation his family was meant to defend to the end left Oikawa's heart racing. He'd never allow himself to even wonder that because deep down, Oikawa would choose Iwaizumi over the Throne in a heartbeat, but he couldn't and didn't expect him to do the same.

And despite that, Oikawa wasn't sure he could handle hearing Iwaizumi confirm that.

"I'm sorry, Iwa-chan," he managed at last, through gasped breaths. "That would've been a bad time for someone to overhear."

"Y-you think?" Iwaizumi sputtered, face still in his hands, elbows digging into his knees as he groaned again.

Oikawa laughed again and folded his arms over his chest, half-lidded eyes watching the board, heart still skipping from how adorable he found Iwaizumi. "…To answer your question, I have," he admitted and tilted his head with a smile. Iwaizumi looked up. "Not in that I want to, but what it would be like, if I would feel like I had more purpose and control over my life that way. But even so as the emperor… it's a figurehead position more than anything else," he continued in a softer voice and traces of his smile disappeared from his face. "It's… not the same as what Kenma does, which—"

Oikawa sighed and shook his head. "Ahh, now I sound like a traitor, diminishing the importance of the emperor…" he cleared his throat and looked up brightly. "It's Iwa-chan's move, by the way. It has been, for the last ten minutes."

Iwaizumi flinched; Oikawa watched his hand fumble until he made a move that he obviously hadn't thought through because it left his king wide open fewer than ten total moves into the game. Oikawa glanced up and smiled gently; Iwaizumi stared at him and then back at the board, flinched. "Shit—"

"It's all right, I'll let Iwa-chan get away this time," Oikawa murmured and moved one of his pawns, effectively wasting his move. "Iwa-chan's kids, hm?"

"Huh?"

"You mentioned hypothetical children," Oikawa said easily. "Has Iwa-chan thought about marriage?"

Iwaizumi shook his head and Oikawa dropped his gaze, hoped that he'd been quick enough to hide the relief flooding his eyes. "No. My main priority is to be at your side. I'm not from a particularly powerful family or anything, so nobody's trying to marry me off to solidify any kind of connection. I know it's looked down upon to stay single, but…"

Iwaizumi faltered and cleared his throat. "My greatest happiness would be to stay by your side and I don't really care what people think about me. As long as you'll allow me, I'd like to stay with you, Oikawa."

Oikawa was a hundred percent certain that Iwaizumi didn't know his effect on Oikawa.

He was so refreshingly honest and straightforward. Everything Iwaizumi said was true and it was rare for Oikawa to be able to believe someone's words at face value. Iwaizumi would never lie to him, he was certain of that, and when he was in a position where he felt like nobody was comfortable enough to truly be transparent with him, having Iwaizumi left his chest feeling so warm that it was impossible to not smile.

"As long as you'd like, of course I'd like you to be with me," Oikawa said softly and Iwaizumi smiled, a rare softness glimmering in his eyes that coaxed one corner of his lips higher than the other.

"...Good," he said and Oikawa's smile lingered, eyes returning to the board.

The next several moves were made in silence, bathed by the warmth of a quiet pledge of loyalty. Iwaizumi was so faithful that while Oikawa had never doubted his intentions, hearing that he wanted to stay with him left his chest feeling so light and blissful. He made quiet murmurs about Iwaizumi's moves, shallowly interpreted as non-vindictive, offhanded comments. However, he knew that Iwaizumi would understand when he saw some of his hidden suggestions being applied, he could help but smile again.

As the game progressed, as pieces kept moving, dying and reviving, the warmth in Oikawa's heart lessened with every pump of blood through his body. Each breath felt cold as he slowly remembered his reality, that as lovely and wonderful as Iwaizumi's feelings and words were, it didn't change who Oikawa was, the life he'd been born into, the expectations laid out on him, unfairly so, horribly so, heavily so.

He didn't realize he was gripping his queen so tightly that his hand was shaking until Iwaizumi pointed it out. Apologizing breathily, he forced himself to relax and set the piece down in an empty space, licked his lips and knit his brow. "Marriages are mainly for political and social reasons, but I think there could be a rather romantic connotation to them, don't you think?" he said softly. "You're bound to one person for the rest of your life. It would be nice if it were someone you truly cared about and wanted to be with."

Iwaizumi blinked and moved a piece slowly. "…That seems to be a progressive thought," he said. "Or it's your romantic side."

"It's my romantic side," Oikawa smiled easily. "But it's also… wouldn't it be nice to be with someone and know that they chose you, as you chose them? However, that's not how things are," he sighed wistfully. "Marriages are meaningless, really. All they serve to do is bring families together, more often than not for political power or gain. Most husbands and wives barely speak to each other and probably only spend time together to create an heir, who will just be born into this society and end up in a situation like that as well."

Oikawa moved his knight, the click of his piece to the board louder than normal. "We barely have any choices that we can truly make on our own, and the ones we _do_ have are still controlled by something we had no say in. Check, by the way."

Iwaizumi frowned and Oikawa wasn't sure if he heard him say check. Nonetheless, Oikawa decided to remain patient, knowing that while Iwaizumi's eyes were trained him, his were steadfastly on the bishop about to take Iwaizumi's king. "…Oikawa, what's—"

"I'll take your king if you're not careful, Iwa-chan," he chided.

"Oikawa—"

"We should really start implementing a time limit when we play—"

_"Tooru."_

Oikawa blinked; Iwaizumi's palms had slammed down on the table, the pieces scattering over the board. He raised his gaze evenly to see Iwaizumi's narrowed eyes focused entirely on him and though he'd never quite seen Iwaizumi this serious, he still felt entirely calm. "Oikawa," Iwaizumi said, voice calm and low despite his previous outburst and eyes glazed with concern. "Please talk to me. Something is bothering you. I'm worried—"

Oikawa trusted Iwaizumi more than there were stars in the sky and lives to reincarnate into. He trusted him so much that it was painful, that offering him absolutely everything still didn't feel like enough, and yet, he wasn't ready to talk about this yet; he was frustrated and knew that it hurt Iwaizumi to watch helplessly. Oikawa felt terrible, but it wasn't enough to push himself to speak to a truth he wasn't ready to admit to him.

He turned his chin away, trained his eyes onto an ornate corner of the table and crossed his arms.

"Iwa-chan," he said quietly, "please don't."

"Oikawa—"

"Iwaizumi-san," Oikawa said sharply and Iwaizumi immediately faltered. Oikawa opened his eyes suddenly, brow knitting and still not quite looking at him but knew that Iwaizumi could see his expression. "…I'm afraid I'm more tired than I thought I was. Let's resume our game another night."

"…Of course."

Oikawa bit his lip; guilt weighed heavily on him for the way he'd snapped, the formal and hesitant way Iwaizumi responded sending chills down his spine. He hated himself for it, that after years of carefully ensuring he never abused his authority, that it was still what he defaulted to in this instance. Oikawa trusted Iwaizumi, but there were some things that the prince didn't know if he could safely admit to his guard because as close as Oikawa and Iwaizumi were, their roles laid out clear expectations that Oikawa was afraid to find only he wanted to dismiss.

He had half a mind to call out to Iwaizumi and apologize, but kept from doing so, focused instead on the way his fingers dug into his arms. Iwaizumi's footsteps seemed both slow and fast; Oikawa didn't want him to leave because he hated when Iwaizumi left, but what was aching in his chest was something he didn't want Iwaizumi to know about yet, that he wasn't ready to admit to him.

He heard the click of the door opening, but when he heard it close again, too quickly for Iwaizumi to have opened it enough to slip through, Oikawa looked up with a start. Iwaizumi still had his hand on the doorknob but he had turned slightly to face him, expression stern but eyes gentle as he quietly said "Tooru" in a way that lit Oikawa's nerves with fire and made the drafty, large room feel so small and intimate.

"You may have requested me as your guard, but you couldn't have requested the way I feel about you," Iwaizumi said quietly and Oikawa's breath caught in his throat. "That kind of loyalty isn't something anyone can preordain because how I feel… it isn't just a member of the Guard to the prince. It might feel like everything has been decided for you, but some of the most important things in life aren't."

Oikawa wasn't breathing as he watched the way Iwaizumi's entire expression relaxed, shoulders softening as he tilted his head.

"Please know that as long as you'll allow me, I will always be by your side. Nothing you say could ever drive me away because I will protect you with everything I have."

He smiled again, bowed his head lightly.

"Good night, denka."

And then he left, opening the door seamlessly and stepping outside after gracing Oikawa with one last lopsided smile. The door closed, caused a rush of wind that momentarily brushed Oikawa's bangs from his face. Inhaling shakily, he brought his hands to his face and sighed, the motion rattling his ribcage and stirring his heart.

He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly. The warmth in his chest felt like a fire, the sparks along his skin a full on blaze and yet Oikawa smiled, felt red ebb onto his cheeks as he looked to where Iwaizumi had been sitting.

If there was one thing he had to thank the universe for, he thought, it was bringing Iwaizumi to his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy almost thanksgiving!! if you don't celebrate thanksgiving, happy almost thursday!!! my beta went through easily more than 25k words in like 3 or 4 days while working a full time job and this year i am incredibly thankful for her. i am also thankful for everyone who reads my word babbling about the same two people and the same feelings, over and over again hahhaa
> 
> thank you for reading!! stay safe, stay merry, kudos/comments appreciated ♡


	6. glass and gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iwaizumi held his world in his arms and thought it ironic that that weight wasn’t what was splintering his heart.

There was one time where Oikawa had woken Iwaizumi up long before the sun even considered peering over the horizon.

Iwaizumi wasn't a morning person; he was up early only so that by the time Oikawa was ready to start his day, Iwaizumi was there. He'd normally knock to let him know he was there, but on a few occasions had Oikawa opened his door first, most likely to ask whoever was standing guard for something, only to be greeted by Iwaizumi with his knuckles raised. They'd stare at each other for a moment and then Oikawa would smile and tilt his head, dull, sleepy eyes brightening immediately as a blush would wake onto Iwaizumi's cheeks. Whenever he opened the door, Oikawa would typically be holding his robes closed with his hands. But when he'd see that it was Iwaizumi, he'd let the hand drop and Iwaizumi would always fight the urge to close them, even though Oikawa showing his collarbone was certainly nothing scandalous.

_"We're so in sync, aren't we, Iwaizumi-san?"_

As far as Iwaizumi could gather, Oikawa wasn't a morning person either. Being up early and faking pleasantries were all part of his facade; the only reasons Iwaizumi could tell that Oikawa was grumpy were the brief moments where his eyes would narrow in annoyance or if they were alone because while Oikawa was the master of faking, he'd never faked a chipper mood with Iwaizumi. Knowing all of this and knowing how much Iwaizumi himself hated being woken up early, when a twenty-year-old Iwaizumi had been shaken awake by Oikawa, he'd thought something terrible had happened and that was the only reason he didn't smack the prince with a pillow.

_"Iwa-chan, this way, this way!"_

_"Oikawa-sama—w-what happened, are you—"_

_"Just come, Iwa-chan!"_

Oikawa's hand had been on his wrist, touch burning hot despite how chilly it was at five in the morning. Only that physical contact, coupled with the idea that it actually _was_ an emergency, kept Iwaizumi from trying to throttle Oikawa. He stood immediately, tripping over his feet because Oikawa wasn't giving him nearly enough time to remember how to operate his limbs right after being roused from sleep. They hurried through the palace and while Iwaizumi had managed to grab his sandals, straps looped through his fingers, he realized Oikawa wasn't even wearing socks. This didn't seem to stop him though; he'd navigated them to one of the furthest, most isolated courtyards, their bare feet slapping against the pristine wooden flooring, and slid open the doors.

_"Hurry!" he whispered harshly, eyes sparkling as he stepped over the threshold. He still hadn't let go of Iwaizumi's wrist but his grip had loosened significantly when they slowed, though Iwaizumi didn't have any complaints to begin with. Iwaizumi's mouth was open, ready to protest about Oikawa being bare-footed on grass and stone, but he swallowed his reprimand, just tossed his sandals over the threshold and stepped into them. Oikawa was tugging him through the courtyard before Iwaizumi fully regained his balance, stumbled a bit but managed to stay standing as he followed him. Iwaizumi kept his eyes down, careful to not accidentally kick or step on him, something he courteously did as Oikawa's guard, friend, and fellow human, but he was extra cautious tonight because Oikawa's feet had absolutely no protection._

_When they finally came to a stop, Iwaizumi raised his gaze wearily. By now, he was sure there was no emergency and Oikawa may actually have to suffer Iwaizumi's wrath for once._

_He took a slow, deep breath because only Oikawa could push him this much. "Oikawa-sama—"_

_"Look!"_

_Sighing, Iwaizumi decided to amuse him for just another moment before doling out a punishment. His eyes followed the length of Oikawa's outstretched arm to the finger pointing at the sky, observing exactly where Oikawa was gesturing. Iwaizumi saw only a darkness hovering between navy and black, vast sky speckled with endless stars. At first Iwaizumi didn't see anything; he wondered if perhaps Oikawa was actually asleep still and was just about to rip out a bunch of grass to throw at him, but then he saw a white streak through the sky._

_Iwaizumi blinked. He waited, and then it happened again._

_"Did you see?!" Oikawa asked excitedly and Iwaizumi nodded hesitantly, felt bewildered and stunned._

_"Y-yeah," he stammered, "what… what was that?"_

_"Keep watching!"_

_He did as instructed and sure enough, another streak appeared. Iwaizumi felt his brows raise as his shoulders did with his sharp inhale; he had no idea what was happening, was the sky falling? Was it falling towards_ them _? A part of him was utterly terrified but he was mesmerized as the streaks became more and more common, lines scattering and bringing the shade closer to indigo than to obsidian._

_Iwaizumi's eyes never once left the sky because he was entirely entranced by the view. The lines started out so bright and disintegrated into dust; Iwaizumi contemplated where they came from and where they went, had a feeling Oikawa pondered this too._

_He wondered if Oikawa knew how Iwaizumi would like nothing more than to follow one's trail with him for the rest of his life._

_"This… this is amazing," he said and heard Oikawa agree enthusiastically._

_"Bet Iwa-chan's glad I woke him up now!"_

_Iwaizumi looked over at last to glower. Oikawa just beamed, a grin stretching across his face and bringing one ear closer to a shoulder than the other before looking back upwards. Iwaizumi hesitated for a moment; Oikawa had always been taller than him, and even though the height difference wasn't that noticeable, he did normally take note of it when they were standing this close. It took him another moment to remember that it was because Oikawa wasn't wearing any shoes and Iwaizumi immediately stepped out of his, nudged them towards Oikawa. "Here," he said, almost immediately felt the cold of the stone jolting up through his legs._

_Oikawa tore his eyes away from the sky to look down and frowned, shaking his head. "What? Oh no, it's fine, Iwa-chan, I don't need—"_

_"Please," he said quietly and when Oikawa kept shaking his head, sighed and held out a hand. "…Denka."_

_Oikawa's lips remained curved downwards, but a quiet exhale moved his chest and expelled his stubbornness all at once. He rested his hand in Iwaizumi's, whose fingers reflexively came to curl over Oikawa's as he stepped into the sandals, eyes glancing up and smiling gently. "Thank you, Iwaizumi-san. You're very considerate."_

_Iwaizumi couldn't help his instinctive bow. Oikawa laughed softly and the contact of their hands lingered a whisper longer than it had to, though Iwaizumi pulled back first, looked skywards again. The streaks were enough to cast a soft glow to the sky, but Iwaizumi hoped the warmth on his cheeks would still be obscured. "I am really glad you woke me up for this, Oikawa-sama. Thank you."_

_Oikawa laughed again and Iwaizumi felt even his ears warm at the sound._

_"Of course, Iwa-chan. You're the only person I wanted to share this moment with."_

This time when he was shaken awake, it wasn't Oikawa's bright eyes and excited smile that greeted him, it was Mizogushi's pale and frantic expression.

"M-Mizogushi-san…?" Iwaizumi asked groggily. He brought the heel of his palm to rub an eye. Iwaizumi normally had a few seconds of blissful ignorance of how early it was before consciousness streamed into his mind; right now, though, it felt like someone had shoved him into the endless depths of the ocean and told him to find land. He feebly tried to gather himself as quickly as possible, his instinctive respect at seeing Mizogushi all that overrode the temptation to burrow his face back into bed; Matsukawa had once tried to wake him for something but because he wasn't Mizogushi or Oikawa, Iwaizumi swatted him away with an irritated grumble. "W… what's—"

"Iwaizumi-san," Mizogushi said, sounding breathless and hurried, "please, get up right now, something's happened."

"Y-yeah… yeah, of course." Iwaizumi managed to sit up after his arms gave out under him a couple of times and looked around. The first thing he saw right beyond Mizogushi was the open doors to his room. He stared in confusion; Mizogushi had never entered without permission, much less to _wake_ him, and as the remnants of sleepy haze cleared from his mind, panic started to dawn on him. Iwaizumi took a moment to blink; after the second time his eyelids opened, he inhaled sharply through his nose, back straightening immediately. Iwaizumi's head snapped towards Mizogushi, hand grasping the covers and throwing them aside. "What's—is denka—?"

"Denka is all right," Mizogushi said, eyes hard, "but, Iwaizumi-san, listen carefully, there isn't much time and we have to stay calm. As you are aware, Motohira-ouji and his wife were on their way back from Edo."

Iwaizumi nodded.

"They never made it," Mizogushi continued. His gaze was pensive, brow furrowing. Iwaizumi could feel Mizogushi's hand on his shoulder, watched as his chin lowered the way his voice did. "Do you understand?"

Iwaizumi stared back at him and frowned. "Never made it?" he echoed. "What—"

Even as he was speaking, as his tongue continued to curl around a thought formed just fractions of milliseconds ago, his mind processed how gently Mizogushi had phrased something so heavy that it crushed Iwaizumi to realize. The tail end of his question never made it past his lips; Iwaizumi's voice trailed off, took with it what felt like the last remnant of breath in his lungs. His eyes grew wide and his face felt like how he imagined Mizogushi's did; cold prickled his cheeks despite a nauseating flush warming his neck and chest, _they never made it_ echoing in his mind, every syllable feeling like a slam against his ribs. "Y-you can't mean…"

"Yes," Mizogushi said quietly, "Iwaizumi-san, I know this is a shock, but please remain calm—"

"Denka—" Iwaizumi interrupted, shoving his covers aside, "does denka know—"

"Not yet—"

Mizogushi wasn't finished speaking, but as soon as Iwaizumi heard the first two words, he was up from his futon and grabbed only the katana leaning against the wall. He was immediately out the door, bare feet loud against the wooden floors as he sprinted through the halls, Mizogushi yelling his name a distant echo. The thin yukata he wore to sleep generally did little to brace chills, but Iwaizumi's entire body felt numb and he hardly registered the cool floor against the soles of his feet, despite how harshly his heels were coming down as he ran. It felt like dread moved through his veins faster than the blood from his rapidly pounding heart, adrenaline prioritizing his panic.

Turning a corner, Iwaizumi nearly collided with a maid. A hand shot out to grab a nearby pole, using momentum to avoid her. He stammered an apology and continued running as soon as he was able to, narrowly squeezing between the scurrying maids or huddled advisors, even opted to skip his normal bow to the more senior members of the Guard. He hadn't seen anyone he was familiar with yet, but Iwaizumi didn't give it a second thought. There were more people up and about than there normally was at this hour and it seemed natural for news like this to trickle from the top; Iwaizumi assumed that, as Oikawa's personal guard, he found out sooner than he would have otherwise.

He didn't know who was going to tell Oikawa, found it hard to believe that he didn't know when his _brother_ was the one who died. Motohira had been just a few days from returning; given the lag time in how long it took for news to reach them, Iwaizumi wasn't sure how much of a head start the culprits would have had. It had to be much harder to sneak into the palace to kill a member of the imperial family but even so, Iwaizumi wouldn't relax until he could see Oikawa himself and make sure he was all right.

Rounding the last corner, his lungs were on fire. He saw several advisors look to him with a start, some of the elderly ones looking at him with wrinkled noses. Iwaizumi had always been polite to the advisors, but in this moment, if any of them tried to block his path to the door, he would not hesitate to shove them aside. He ignored them and didn't stop running until he was at Oikawa's door, foot planting itself down so firmly he actually felt the shock of pain travel upwards through his shin. Iwaizumi slammed his palms to the door and threw them open to reveal a darkened room, yelling Oikawa's name just moments before a loud thud echoed through the entire wing.

Oikawa jolted straight up, head jerking immediately in Iwaizumi's direction. He looked a lot more alert than Iwaizumi would have expected and instinctively brought a hand to his chest, held his loose yukata closed when his eyes darted behind Iwaizumi and saw advisors peering in. "Iwa—what in the _world_ —"

"You're all right," Iwaizumi breathed and his knees nearly buckled. "Thank god, you're all right—"

_"IWAIZUMI."_

Mizogushi nearly yanked his arm out of his socket. Iwaizumi yelled as he was pulled back, nearly tripping over his feet. He caught sight of Oikawa's concerned expression right before Iwaizumi was thrown back against the wall, breath knocked out of him and even a gasp fruitless to bring air into his lungs. Advisors scurried out of the way and Iwaizumi stiffened to see the way Mizogushi was glaring at him, seeming absolutely _livid_ and in honest retrospect, he could understand exactly why Mizogushi was so pissed off.

Iwaizumi still wouldn't have acted any differently, though.

He swallowed thickly. "M-Mizogushi-san, I'm sorry—"

"Iwaizumi-san," he hissed, "what are you _thinking_ —"

"Mizogushi-san?"

Mizogushi turned at the sound of Oikawa's voice, expression relaxing immediately, though that tension only transferred to the hand gripping Iwaizumi's arm. He grimaced, but shook his head when Oikawa cast him a worried look. "Denka," Mizogushi managed evenly, bowing. "I apologize immensely for Iwaizumi-san's behavior."

"It's all right," Oikawa said quietly. Iwaizumi watched him quietly take in the surroundings, at first just darting his eyes around before beginning to move his head upon realizing just how many people were in the halls. When a few of the advisors started whispering, he whipped his head and glared at them; they immediately fell silent and bowed. When Oikawa had sat up, Iwaizumi noted that he was wearing only a yukata. But by the time he was at the door, he'd slipped on a kimono, obi notably missing. Oikawa folded his arms over his chest to keep the kimono closed, gazed warily at Mizogushi. "Please explain yourself, Mizogushi-san," he said lightly, voice dangerously quiet and even. "I do not appreciate being woken like this, for which I hold _you_ more accountable. After all, I highly doubt Iwaizumi-san would be barging in like this without impetus spurred by you."

Mizogushi hesitated and if Oikawa didn't look so annoyed, Iwaizumi would've glared at him. The fact that Oikawa's disdain showed slightly on his expression was a clear indication of just how irritated he was. The way Mizogushi paused didn't seem to help him and Iwaizumi couldn't help but wince again; Oikawa's brow knit and he clicked his tongue. Reaching out his hand, he gently tapped on Mizogushi's wrist and he released Iwaizumi immediately.

Iwaizumi stumbled; he felt blood immediately rushing through his arm, already knew to expect bruising. He nodded when Oikawa quietly asked if he was all right, bowed. "D-denka, please, it's not Mizogushi-san's fault. I was the one who rushed here without thinking—"

"Iwaizumi-san, you've been at my side for the better part of a decade," Oikawa said plainly and Iwaizumi flinched, "you fluster easily, but never to the point of acting like _this_. So," he turned back to Mizogushi, "Mizogushi-san, _please explain."_

Iwaizumi wasn't sure what was the most to blame for Oikawa's annoyance: being woken up early, being woken up like _that_ , Mizogushi blaming Iwaizumi, or Mizogushi gripping his arm so tightly that he couldn't help but let the pain show. Iwaizumi swallowed, guilt gripping him because he really did like Mizogushi; after his father died, he'd become the closest to a paternal figure Iwaizumi had. Giving a sigh, he murmured _denka_ again, waited until Oikawa's glance shifted to him and held his gaze wearily, lips still but eyes flickering.

_Please let up on him._

Oikawa's gaze hardened for a moment but he eventually looked away with a small huff and took the tiniest of steps back, lips pursing into a frown. Iwaizumi dropped his gaze just in case Mizogushi thought to look over. "…All right," Oikawa said lowly, "please, Mizogushi-san, Iwaizumi-san. Let's discuss this in my chambers, then."

Iwaizumi nodded; he still didn't dare look up, but when he saw Mizogushi start to move, he followed suit. It finally dawned on him that he wasn't wearing shoes again, and this time it wasn't because he'd lent them to Oikawa; Iwaizumi tried to not linger on how oddly exposed he felt like this and when the three of them entered, only two pairs of shoes were left outside the doors that Iwaizumi closed.

As soon as the latch clicked, Oikawa was facing them again, standing in the middle of his room, close to his bed. "Mizogushi-san," he said again, voice even and quieter than before, "I would hate to repeat myself."

"Yes, denka," Mizogushi said and bowed. "I apologize. I do not have all the information yet, but—"

Oikawa sighed loudly, brought a hand up to his face and Mizogushi flinched. Iwaizumi frowned and took a small step forward, murmured Mizogushi's name quietly; he looked over his shoulder at him and Iwaizumi cleared his throat, tried to not shrink under the way he was glaring. "…It may be better for him to hear it from me," he offered quietly. "Please, I'm sure you have much to attend to. If you need me, I'll be here."

Mizogushi didn't seem convinced. His eyes narrowed tiredly and he sighed. "…Iwaizumi-san, I think—"

"Mizogushi-san," Iwaizumi interrupted gently, "please trust me on this."

Mizogushi held his gaze for several more moments and Iwaizumi resolutely kept his shoulders square. He relaxed only when Mizogushi relented at last, giving a nod and sighing. Iwaizumi found himself feeling weak from relief that even if Mizogushi was _that_ angry at him, he'd still trust his word. He turned to Oikawa and bowed. "Denka," he said quietly, "Iwaizumi-san will let you know what is happening, as I have matters to attend to. Should you need anything, please do not hesitate to ask for me."

Oikawa nodded impatiently, brow revealed to be knit when he removed his hand and waved it noncommittally. Iwaizumi waited patiently as Mizogushi took his leave, heard his quiet footsteps followed by the door opening. For a brief moment, the loud chatters from outside filled the room, but when the door closed, it was all muffled again and Iwaizumi could only hear his own heart beating. "…Oikawa," he said, looking up, "please sit."

"Just tell me, Iwaizumi," Oikawa snapped, glaring lightly at him and folding his arms over his chest, this time not bothering to make sure his kimono was closed before doing so. "I may be annoyed at Mizogushi-san for treating you that way, but I'm also annoyed at _you_ for waking me up like this. Really, what is _that_ urgent?" he grumbled, turned to glare at a wall. Iwaizumi hesitated as he watched him close his eyes briefly, bringing a hand up to rub his eye tiredly. "Seriously—"

"Oikawa," Iwaizumi repeated and took a step forward. Oikawa's nose wrinkled, but he didn't move, though his glare didn't lessen. "Listen to me and please, _please_ stay calm, all right?"

"Iwaizumi," Oikawa warned, "if you don't tell me in the next ten seconds, trust me, I _will_ throw you out so I can go back to sleep—"

Iwaizumi had never been tasked with breaking the news of a loved one's passing before. He considered himself extremely fortunate and could only rely on what _he_ would have liked to hear when he was told about his mother and father. He'd hated the way that they had built up to it; his father passed when he was young and his mother when he was a teenager and both times, even at those ages, he'd rather they been direct. He could understand the frustration Oikawa was feeling, felt guilty because while Iwaizumi was able to sense something was wrong, Oikawa had no idea what was coming and so he took a deep breath.

"Koutaishi was assassinated," Iwaizumi said in a low but even voice, dropping his eyes, "along with his wife."

The words rang in a drafty chamber that normally Oikawa's smile filled with warmth.

Oikawa didn't say anything at first. For several seconds, he didn't even move; he remained frozen, showing just his side profile to Iwaizumi with a hand centimeters away from his face, other arm folded over his chest. Even his shoulders and chest didn't move with the evidence of breathing; Oikawa had become a statue instantly, posed perfectly with the sort of expression that was so minutely changed from neutral, yet held so much depth in his eyes. Iwaizumi licked his lips and watched him silently, eyes focused on his expression because if Oikawa was going to do anything, it would show in his eyes first. He curled his fingers nervously behind his back, nails biting into his palm; his other hand remained loose over his wrist and when Oikawa finally reacted, he dropped both hands to his side and looked up.

Iwaizumi had spent enough years by Oikawa's side and observed him enough to know what he was going to do and how to respond in almost any situation. But this wasn't a new kimono or a visiting lord, it wasn't something as arbitrary as an advisor asking Iwaizumi if Oikawa would enjoy the new flower arrangements they were bringing him (as soon as Iwaizumi saw just how many chrysanthemums there were, he instantly knew Oikawa would spend too much time glaring at them when in private.)

Iwaizumi felt his own breaths growing shallow until they seemed to cease entirely, his only concern at that moment Oikawa.

Oikawa inhaled at last, sharp and quick, and looked at him, his brow knit. "…What?" he said finally. "He's— _what_?"

"They've been murdered," Iwaizumi repeatedly quietly, taking a step forward tentatively and keeping his gaze level. "I don't have any further information; I came here as soon as Mizogushi-san told me. All I know is that it happened on the way back from Edo, and given how little we know, it's why everyone is being hypervigilant—"

"No, you're wrong," Oikawa interrupted, shaking his head. He took a step back and Iwaizumi immediately took a larger forward. "You're—" he stared at him and then his lips curved, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. Iwaizumi's stomach knotted as he watched Oikawa's brow furrow further. "This is some kind of sick joke, right? This is mean—this would be mean, even for me, but from you—"

"Oikawa, it's not a joke," Iwaizumi said gently. "It's—"

"It's not true," Oikawa said, shaking his head, hands trembling. "It can't… it can't. He was supposed to be back here in a few days. We had a standing shogi match against each other, so he has to come back for that. He's not—"

"Tooru," Iwaizumi said and Oikawa fell silent. Pressing his lips into a thin line, when Oikawa slated his gaze to meet Iwaizumi's, he could see his face pale as something in his eyes flickered, as even Oikawa's sense of delirium was slowly giving way to the razor sharp, crystal clarity of reality. Iwaizumi's hands reached towards him, low enough to not be obvious but fully ready at a moment's notice to catch him. As he watched Oikawa truly recognize what had happened and as the movements of Oikawa's chest grew more and more shallow, Iwaizumi felt his own breaths hasten.

"It's not a joke," Iwaizumi continued. His heart was pounding so furiously that he felt his entire body pulsated and yet when speaking, he was able to keep his voice even and calm. "You know that I wouldn't lie to you, especially about something like this."

Iwaizumi had never seen Oikawa fall apart in front of him.

Iwaizumi knew that he was privy to some of Oikawa's truest emotions, but even so, he could tell that he still kept a flood of feelings behind a dam Iwaizumi wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to break down. Oikawa also tended to push him away if he got emotional; Iwaizumi never wanted to leave, but he also was never sure if he was crossing a boundary by insisting he stay. The best he could do was gently remind Oikawa that he'd always be there for him and it seemed like it was enough; there would be times where it would take a few days, but Oikawa would always return to him, smile bright and eyes sparkling because though he never verbalized it the same way Iwaizumi did, Iwaizumi's _I'm here for absolutely anything_ was reciprocated with _I promise to always come back._ Iwaizumi was patient; he'd wait forever if he had to, trust in Oikawa as much as Oikawa trusted in him.

But right now, he'd stay no matter what Oikawa tried to do.

"Oikawa—"

Oikawa shook his head, hand covering his eyes. The step he took brought the back of his knees to his bed and Iwaizumi was immediately in front of him, arms slipped under Oikawa's to catch him; he couldn't say whether Oikawa leaned into him or if Iwaizumi brought him close, but as Iwaizumi helped him to the ground, Oikawa's bowed head was against his chest, fingers curled over his yukata. There was just enough space between his back and the bed for Iwaizumi to run his hand along his spine, other hand instinctively carding through his hair when he felt the way Oikawa trembled against him.

Iwaizumi wanted to hold Oikawa so tightly, but he was afraid of unnerving him, allowed him to decide how much contact he wanted. Over the years, physical contact became more commonplace, but it was still limited to their hands or arms brushing. But when Oikawa had been about to collapse, Iwaizumi didn't think twice about catching him and when their bodies were flush together, it felt absolutely natural to be so close to him.

When he felt Oikawa grasp his robes with so much force he could hear the fabric squeak and feel stitches strain, he wrapped his arms around him firmly, ignoring the aching in his knees from being pressed to the hard floor. He closed his eyes, brow knit as he heard the trembled gasps wracking his frame, hated that there was nothing he could do. His hand stilled, fingers fitting between the space of the vertebrae he could feel through the thin cotton and silk draped over his body.

"He's… he's dead?" he heard in a small voice and Iwaizumi physically winced. "Onii-sama's—he's—"

His voice was muffled, but it didn't matter; Iwaizumi clung onto every single syllable that he voiced. Swallowing, he nodded and stroked his back gently. Discomfort knotted his chest and despite the vortex inside of him, he managed to keep the rise and fall of his chest steady as he held him. "…Yes," he said softly. "I'm sorry, Oikawa. I'm… I'm really sorry."

Oikawa's knuckles pressed painfully against Iwaizumi, but he said nothing and closed his eyes.

"Who… why would they—he did _nothing_ , he was such a kind…"

Oikawa wasn't close with his brother, but he had a heart of glass and gold, fragile and soft. Iwaizumi's chest ached to feel a wetness against him; he exhaled through his nose and hugged him tighter, moved slowly so that he was also sitting on the floor and able to be eye to eye with him. Oikawa's grip loosened at the shift, allowing Iwaizumi to pull back and he murmured his name softly, moved his hands to cup Oikawa's face. "What do you need from me?" Iwaizumi asked gently. His thumbs passed over Oikawa's cheekbones, his jaw flush against the base of Iwaizumi's palms, catching the tears that Iwaizumi hadn't brushed away.

He felt the way Oikawa's jaw moved against his hands as he licked his lips, kept his eyes closed and chin downcast. Oikawa took a deep breath and his fingers unfurled slowly, releasing the thin cotton that Iwaizumi wore. "…The window," he said finally, keeping his eyes downcast but the half-dried streaks of tears on his cheeks still evident. "O-open the window, please."

Iwaizumi breathed a silent sigh of relief for something that was absolutely manageable.

"Of course."

Iwaizumi's touch lingered for just a moment before he stood, bare feet padding quietly across the short distance to the wall. He unlocked the panes and pushed them open, leaned over the sill and craned his neck. People swarmed the garden and Iwaizumi could only assume the front of the palace was even more inundated, flickering flames slowly losing efficacy as natural daylight began to break over the horizon. Guards were stationed every few meters and he would see higher ranking officials ride by on horses, whinnies and snorts intermingling with the shouts. The sun had barely risen and it was more activity than Iwaizumi generally saw in an entire week.

He gave a frown and pulled back, gaze lingered for just a moment on a gaggle of guards discussing something animatedly. Iwaizumi hadn't even turned when he saw Oikawa join him at the windowsill from the corner of his eye; Iwaizumi inhaled sharply as he watched him lean over, instinctively pressed a hand to his chest to stop him. Oikawa bit a small laugh, didn't look at him. "Iwaizumi… really, I wouldn't try and jump with you standing right here. I just need air."

"R-right… I'm sorry."

Iwaizumi flushed with embarrassment at the way he'd jumped to the worst possible conclusion. He stammered another apology and withdrew his hand, though took a small side step to be closer to Oikawa. Oikawa leaned forward a bit more, trembling elbows still as they pressed to the sill, a heavy sigh parting his lips. When he bowed his head, Iwaizumi saw how deep the valley between his shoulders blade was and resisted the urge to run his hand along his back again, unsure if Oikawa found the gesture as soothing as he hoped he did. Turning his head, Iwaizumi tried to focus his gaze out the window. Despite guards everywhere, he was still vigilant for anything suspicious; his eyes scanned the area continuously and it was only when Oikawa made the slightest shifts that he'd look away.

He'd pulled himself back and was now leaning his weight against palms pressed to the windowsill, arms locked and straight. Iwaizumi frowned as he watched him; he was breathing heavily, Iwaizumi noted, and his bangs hid his eyes but the way Oikawa bit his lip told Iwaizumi everything he needed to know. The way the silk caught the sheen of light seemed to exaggerate the way his body moved, dips and valleys alternating shakily. Iwaizumi swallowed thickly and turned to him, worry constricting his chest. "Do you—"

"It's over," Oikawa said tightly.

Iwaizumi hesitated. "…What? What's over?"

"…Onii-sama is dead," Oikawa breathed. His nails scratched against the wood as his fingers furled into his palm and he pressed his knuckles into the surface, arms shaking. Iwaizumi watched the way his bottom lip whitened, teeth sinking deep into the flesh. Iwaizumi did briefly think that even for someone with a heart like Oikawa's, his reaction seemed extreme given how distant he and his brother were; it could be argued that Oikawa was even more familiar and closer with some lords he saw on a more frequent basis, or certain advisors and teachers. Blood relations didn't carry with them an innate close relationship; Oikawa knew that, had talked about it when Iwaizumi quietly mentioned the siblings weren't as close as he would have thought.

Iwaizumi realized that maybe it wasn't only because Oikawa's brother had died because, after all, Motohira wasn't only Oikawa's brother.

"H-he's dead, which means… it means that I'm…"

Oikawa inhaled sharply and sank to his knees. His elbows remained on the sill and as he brought a fist down harshly to the wood, he leaned his forehead to an arm with a quiet swear while Iwaizumi stood there, realized a glaringly obvious succession had occurred without him realizing at all.

"…Oh."

Iwaizumi, as someone who was only tangentially affected by this, had no idea how to process this information and was rooted to the spot. It took a few iterations, but once _Oikawa is now the crown prince_ felt like reality, what followed was a flood of remembering how Oikawa had felt being just the second-in-line heir, his feelings about being emperor, his feelings about the Throne, his feelings about the court, his feelings about his existence, one, where as limited as he felt, at least had certain freedoms that a crown prince wouldn't.

_...Oh._

"I'm a horrible person," he heard in a wavering voice, snapped out of his trance immediately and looked at Oikawa. "H-he's passed away and all I can think about is… I can't even properly mourn him, I'm—"

Oikawa gasped sharply and Iwaizumi was immediately on the ground next to him. His hands hovered over Oikawa's shoulders; he wanted to hug him, but he didn't know how Oikawa would react to his touch, uncertainty even more certain than before. It felt selfish to think about how afraid he was right now because while a nightmare Oikawa had never truly considered was becoming a reality, Iwaizumi found himself panicking. For his entire life, he'd relied on his instinct when at Oikawa's side; every movement and every glance felt so natural that they'd be executed without a conscious intent, but right now when Oikawa needed him more than ever, Iwaizumi was second guessing everything.

He wanted Oikawa to know that he was here for him and this was something he normally trusted Oikawa to always know. But with everything going through his mind, he wasn't sure what Oikawa was cognizant of right now, could only assume he felt trapped and alone, but didn't want to overwhelm him, try and force him to allow Iwaizumi to remain with him. His hands trembled for a moment before he berated himself; he couldn't panic, not when Oikawa needed someone right now. Iwaizumi had spent years learning how to put aside his own emotions for him and even though that seemed like a nearly impossible task, he took a deep breath and focused on just what he felt for Oikawa.

And then the next breath was easier, the trembling of his hand lessened to where he could trust it to touch Oikawa without betraying his own panic.

"Oikawa—" he murmured. "Oikawa, please look at me. Y-you're not a terrible person. His death has so many implications, you have to be feeling overwhelmed—"

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa said suddenly, hands grasping Iwaizumi's yukata without warning. Iwaizumi jolted and instinctively covered Oikawa's hands with his own, but made no effort to push them off; the grip he had on the cotton was tight, but Iwaizumi barely felt the strain of fabric against him, entirely engrossed by the way Oikawa was looking at him. It had his breath hitching in the worst way possible and as his lungs stilled, his heart shattered.

After more than eight years together, Iwaizumi thought he had seen just about the entire human spectrum of emotion present itself on Oikawa's face. He'd seen him pleasant and happy, neutral and peaceful, irate and angry; he'd even seen hints of sadness before Oikawa would pretend he was all right again, or dismiss Iwaizumi if he wasn't able to do so.

But right now, he looked absolutely terrified and Iwaizumi hated that there was nothing he could do. Iwaizumi would do anything he possibly could for him, but matters of life and death were out of his hands.

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa repeated in a gasp, pulling even harder at his clothes, "don't leave me."

"O-of course not," Iwaizumi stammered, curled his fingers over Oikawa's fists. He shook his head and softened his gaze. "I'm right here, I won't leave you today—"

"No," Oikawa pressed, leaned forward and Iwaizumi's body stiffened at how wide and frantic his eyes were, "not just today, Iwaizumi, I need you to stay by me forever. This—this, this is my worst nightmare, don't you get it? I can't survive this without you, I'm going to be even more controlled now, heika's going to do everything he can to force me to wed and on top of that, I have to take the _Throne_ —you have to promise me, you won't leave—"

"O-Oikawa," Iwaizumi couldn't help but stutter, gently taking his hands and trying to pry them off, heart racing as fast as words were spilling from Oikawa's mouth, "calm down, please, let's talk this through—"

" _Promise me_!"

"I _can't_ ," Iwaizumi said, tried to keep his voice even despite the panic brewing in his chest. When Oikawa spiraled, Iwaizumi was always the constant for him to focus on until he could stand on his own feet again, but nothing like this had ever happened; Oikawa was so terrified about something Iwaizumi had no control over and he didn't know how to be reassured and confident in the fact of that. "D-denka—"

" _Don't_ call me that, Iwaizumi," Oikawa said immediately and Iwaizumi's breath caught again, interrupted his apology. "Not today, don't you dare, not you too, I can't lose—"

"Okay, okay, Oikawa, I'm sorry—you're not losing me," Iwaizumi rushed, managing to keep his voice calm despite the adrenaline coursing through his veins.

Iwaizumi only ever made promises that he knew he could keep, which was why Oikawa had always had so much faith in them and why he trusted Iwaizumi absolutely. But this wasn't a promise that he could keep. If it were up to just Iwaizumi, he would promise to do so in a heartbeat because there was nothing Iwaizumi wanted more than to be by Oikawa's side for eternity.

But this wasn't something that was up to Iwaizumi and there were limits to what he could realistically do. He'd spend his life trying to move the moon and stars for him but know that he couldn't and sometimes effort wasn't enough. What he felt for Oikawa was so all encompassing and all engrossing that Iwaizumi was grateful he was assigned as his guard because it was easy to say that the reason he'd lay his life down for Oikawa in a heartbeat was because of his duty.

What he felt went so far beyond duty that it could only be fate. Iwaizumi's heart beat for Oikawa; they were born so close to one another, like they were meant to exist in this universe together and that if one was alive, the other would soon follow. Iwaizumi would do anything and while he was aware Oikawa knew that, he was also cognizant of how Oikawa tried his best to never take advantage of it. He could tell in the way Oikawa would be sure to do some things himself; as a prince, his freedom was limited, but he'd still test those confines when it would be so easy to lose himself in the power and respect he was born into. He'd open his own doors, he'd pour his own tea, he'd peel his own fruits, all tiny, tiny things that were still almost blasphemous for the prince to do. When in the company of others, it was hard for Oikawa to get away with doing so, but when in private, it was so constant that Iwaizumi almost forgot the vast difference in their ranks, amazed at how something drilled so harshly into his mind could be glazed over with Oikawa offering him a few orange slices.

As small as that notion was, it warmed Iwaizumi's heart, not only because it showed that Oikawa felt the same way and that he noticed how far Iwaizumi would go for him, but reminded him over and over how even though he was the prince, Oikawa was still Tooru and he always would be. Even though he felt the way he did, instead of becoming jaded and resigned, he still fought to pursue any avenue of happiness he could; the situation Oikawa found himself in was one very few would be able to relate to, but that tenacity to choose joy, no matter how difficult it was, over resigning himself to what the world tried to decide for him was something so many people would be able to identify with and that strength was something Iwaizumi couldn't say most people would have.

Oikawa was strong in his own way, so determined and so stubborn. Oikawa didn't realize that, though; he didn't realize how hard it was to remain kind and soft when it was easier to succumb to the authoritative power available to him. He went out of his way to be gracious to try and put others at ease, even though Iwaizumi could see that it would sometimes pain him to still be treated with nothing but reverence; Oikawa continuously tried to put himself out there even though time and time again, he'd always be met with _denka_ and deep bows.

Oikawa was like this even before he had Iwaizumi with him, and so Iwaizumi knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Oikawa was strong enough to handle anything by himself, but Oikawa didn't realize that. As he looked at Oikawa, Iwaizumi wanted to say yes so badly because he hated seeing him like this, but he couldn't make a promise that Oikawa would rely upon so heavily that he'd never be able to realize his own fortitude.

"I'm sorry," Iwaizumi breathed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Oikawa, I can't promise you that. But I don't need to, okay? I'm not planning on leaving, and you don't need me—"

" _Of course I need you!"_

Iwaizumi realized Oikawa had pushed him onto his back only when the air was knocked out of his lungs and he felt Oikawa's knuckles digging against his breastbone, though the pain barely registered. He was lost in Oikawa's eyes, the way they were glassy and terrified breaking Iwaizumi's heart and resolve all at once; he didn't even flinch to feel the tears fall from his cheek onto his own and gave a shaky sigh, brow knitting and resisting the urge to cup his cheek.

The desperation coloring his eyes left Iwaizumi breathless more than the pressure on his chest did. In that moment, he could feel all his confidence slipping away because when the person he loved more than anything in the galaxy was looking at him like that, he couldn't help but want to do absolutely anything to reassure him.

"I need you, Iwaizumi," Oikawa strained, hands shaking and knees on either side of his hips. "Of course I do, now more than ever. You get it, don't you?! I'm the crown prince now—that's it, my life as I know it is _over_. I was already struggling when onii-sama was alive, but he's gone… he's gone and that means I'm the heir to the Throne—as much as I felt my life wasn't my own, at least I didn't have the pressure of ascending—"

He inhaled shakily and closed his eyes; when they opened again, they were almost reflective with tears. "Promise me, you have to, you absolutely have to, _please_ , I can't do this if you're not with me, I need you to promise to always be by my side because if you're not… if you're not, I don't know how I can do this. My brother's dead, I have to ascend a Throne I don't want, I'm going to have to be the emperor, this is the worst case scenario I'd never even expected, I'll lose my mind if you're not with me, please—"

"Oikawa," Iwaizumi swallowed thickly, "you're panicking and I understand why, but please—"

" _Promise me_ ," Oikawa rasped again, voice shaking. "You have to promise me, Iwa-chan, you have to. My mother was the only one who made me feel like I was seen but she died, my brother was to take the throne but he died, my father absolutely will force me to be married, once I'm emperor, that's it for me, my life is going to be cemented and I'll have nothing left, _I need you with me_ , Hajime, please, I can't survive this without you, do you understand? I need you because without you, I'm going to disappear into what everyone expects me to be, I'll lose myself entirely, I need you to see me, I need you to keep me grounded, please, please promise me you'll always be here, if you're not there I'll stop existing, I just know it, please, please don't let me live a life like that, I can't handle that—"

"O-okay," Iwaizumi stammered, words spilling out of his mouth desperately, terrified of how petrified Oikawa's eyes continued to become. "Okay, Oikawa, I promise, I'll be here always. I won't leave you, p-please calm down—"

Almost immediately, he could see Oikawa relax, and that was more important than the guilt settling deep in his stomach. Oikawa's grip loosened from Iwaizumi's yukata, but he was still shaking as he slowly sat back into his lap, brought his hands to cover his face. Iwaizumi sat up slowly as to not startle him and gently reached for his wrists to pull his hands away, gazing at him searchingly as Oikawa's chest rose and fell steadily with breaths that, while still jerky, were much more rhythmic than before. Even though his eyes were closed, Iwaizumi could see that they were red and licked his lips. He felt the bump of bone beneath his fingers and brushed a thumb over the soft skin of his inner wrist and inhaled.

After a slow exhale, Iwaizumi released one of Oikawa's wrists in favor of cupping his cheek. "Oikawa…" he said quietly and saw his bottom lip wobbling, brow creasing. His other hand released him and immediately, Oikawa threw himself onto Iwaizumi, arms wrapped around him and face buried in the crook of his neck. Iwaizumi closed his eyes and returned the embrace, brow knitting as he heard a quiet, broken _Iwa-chan_ weave between the threads of his yukata. "I'm right here," Iwaizumi murmured quietly. "I promise, I won't leave you. You don't have to go through this alone."

He could feel Oikawa shaking with sobs and hugged him tighter, bit his lip. Iwaizumi held his world in his arms and thought it ironic that that weight wasn't what was splintering his heart.

His forehead was close to his temple when Oikawa finally stopped shaking and he pulled back just enough to be able to lean their foreheads together. Oikawa kept his eyes closed; Iwaizumi had wiped away a few stray tears and swallowed, tried to not linger on how close their mouths were. He held back the instinct to lick his lips and focused instead on the way tears clung to Oikawa's long, dark lashes, how smooth his skin was, how even when his eyes were red, he just knew the color would only accentuate the glimmer and specks in his irises.

Oikawa took a final breath, so deep that Iwaizumi felt his own lungs inflate. He passed a thumb over one of Oikawa's cheekbones, murmuring _are you all right?_ Oikawa didn't answer at first; he didn't even make any sort of indication that he'd heard Iwaizumi. His lips were still parted, the sound of his breathing faint but even and definite. Another moment passed before he finally opened his eyes and Iwaizumi offered a gentle smile, hoped that tears muddled Oikawa's vision so he couldn't see the uncertainty Iwaizumi couldn't repress.

Oikawa kept looking at him and as he did so, the desperation that had settled into heartbreak flickered into something else that had Iwaizumi's stomach churning. His eyes had been shifting so quickly, like they were unsure what to focus on, but now they were still and Iwaizumi could see Oikawa's entire expression start to change. He wasn't relaxing; even if Iwaizumi couldn't describe what he was reading, he knew that despite Oikawa's breathing growing shallower and eyes focusing, it wasn't because a calmness was submerging him. The curve of his lips leveled; Iwaizumi drew back and lowered his hand, though he hadn't moved very far at all when Oikawa's grip tightened on his yukata and he leaned in suddenly.

Iwaizumi couldn't lie. He was notoriously bad at lying and was forever grateful that for all of Oikawa's teasing, he'd never asked if Iwaizumi had asked if he'd thought about kissing him because even if Iwaizumi tried to say _no_ , there'd be some kind of a tell to blow his cover. He thought about it far too often, would find his eyes lingering on Oikawa's lips because he couldn't help it; he'd think about kissing him. They'd be walking in the marketplace or around the palace, playing shogi in his room or a courtyard. They'd just be talking or listening to someone else talk; Iwaizumi could always find his eyes magnetized to Oikawa's lips before he quite realized.

But as much as he wanted to kiss Oikawa, this wasn't how he wanted to kiss him for the first time, not when there was so much going on in Oikawa's mind that he wasn't sure if he was thinking clearly.

Iwaizumi turned away at the last moment but as he did so, a knock came at the door. Oikawa immediately drew back as if Iwaizumi had shoved him, moved off of him in one swift movement and turned away. Iwaizumi was still trying to calm himself from what had just almost happened, but managed to ask _are you okay?_ Oikawa nodded, his bangs concealing his eyes and a sleeved hand covering his mouth.

Iwaizumi's heart clenched, instinctively tried to reach out for him. "Oikawa—"

"I'm fine, Iwaizumi-san," Oikawa said quietly, flashed him a brief albeit embarrassed smile that contrasted to eyes Iwaizumi caught only a glimpse over before they were obscured by his bangs again. "Please answer the door. It might be Mizogushi-san."

Iwaizumi's gaze lingered; he wasn't entirely convinced but he murmured _all right_ and stood, fixed his yukata as best he could with his trembling hands. When he was at the door, he positioned himself so that he'd only need to open it enough to show his face, angle hiding Oikawa entirely. Taking a deep breath, he turned the doorknob and opened just one of the doors. When he saw it was only Matsukawa, he relaxed, though still didn't open the door any more than he needed to.

"Mizogushi-san told me you're here," Matsukawa explained, held up a neatly folded pile of clothes with Iwaizumi's sandals resting on top. "When he told me what happened, I figured you wouldn't think of something like clothes, so here. Let me know if there's anything else you need."

Iwaizumi gave a tired smile, nodding and thanking him. He used his foot to prop the door open, unable to help but widen the gap and was thankful that Matsukawa kept his eyes downcast, clearing understanding Iwaizumi's original intentions. Thanking him again, Matsukawa promised updates as soon as he heard anything and left. Iwaizumi closed the door and left the neatly folded pile of clothes on a chair, sandals next to Oikawa's.

He took a moment to lick his lips before summoning the courage to turn around, found Oikawa standing and looking out the window. Iwaizumi chewed on his bottom lip for a moment before walking to his side, standing further than he had earlier. "...Oikawa—"

"I'm sorry about earlier," Oikawa interrupted. He looked over with a smile that faded even before he dropped his eyes. His hands were shaking; Iwaizumi stared at them until Oikawa intertwined his fingers behind his back, though his shoulders rounded as a result. "It was inappropriate and I'll refrain from acting on such impulse in the future. I'm sorry for putting you in an awkward position."

Iwaizumi shook his head. He took a step forward and licked his lips, wondered how he could explain that even though he'd turned away, it wasn't really a rejection. Even his thoughts were tripping over each other and at this point, he was ready to blurt out that he'd thought about kissing him probably hundreds of times, anything to not be another reason for Oikawa's heart breaking today. Swallowing nervously, Iwaizumi opened his mouth once only to close it because he had no idea what he could possibly say. Shaking his head again, he cleared his throat. "No, I wasn't—"

"You turned away," Oikawa interrupted and Iwaizumi felt his cheeks prickle. Oikawa tilted his head and flashed a brief smile. He looked away again, brow furrowing. "And I know that you're always honest about what you want and what you feel. Please don't apologize. I shouldn't have assumed—"

"Oikawa—"

"Please," Oikawa said tightly and Iwaizumi's breath caught. "...Can we just forget about it? I don't… I'm sorry. If you're uncomfortable and would like a new position—"

"N-no, of course not," Iwaizumi rushed. His heart was racing nauseatingly; Oikawa was occasionally known to be erratic and impulsive even when in a pleasant mood. He was the type to internalize everything and repress and misdirect emotions that could otherwise be debilitating; Iwaizumi knew this and while he'd do anything to help Oikawa, he wouldn't do something that could harm him in the long run or something that Oikawa would later regret.

He wanted to kiss him and Iwaizumi didn't even think of himself as a romantic but when, _if,_ they kissed, Iwaizumi didn't want their first time to be when Oikawa's cheeks were stained with tears that Iwaizumi couldn't stop.

Iwaizumi hesitated. His fingers furled and unfurled nervously, left moons lining his palm and he looked back at Oikawa. "...Oikawa," he murmured and when Oikawa didn't turn to look at him, he inhaled.

"Tooru."

Oikawa tensed. It took a moment but he slowly turned to look at Iwaizumi who, for the first time that day, was finally able to relax and smile in a way that was reflex only for Oikawa, only with Oikawa, only to Oikawa. It was the kind of smile he didn't have to think twice about; his lips stretched into a memorized curve when he looked at Oikawa and allowed the most raw and honest of his feelings for him to surface. "...Of course I'll forget it," he promised and saw Oikawa relax. "But before I do, just… I didn't find it inappropriate. I didn't find it awkward. Please don't misconstrue my reaction because with you… something like that would never be inappropriate or awkward. I hope that by now you're aware of how I feel," he added in a breath barely above a whisper and watched the way Oikawa's gaze dropped.

He pressed his lips into a thin line and gave a small nod. Oikawa's hands loosened from behind his back and folded over his chest. Iwaizumi couldn't help but smile in relief and nod. "...Please trust that no matter what happens, how I feel for you, that will never change. I'm absolutely certain of it. To me, Tooru, the way I feel, as long as you exist, those feelings will as well."

Oikawa's eyes flicked back to meet his and for the next three seconds, nothing mattered.

For just those three seconds, it was just them together; for three seconds, what was unspoken but so glaringly obvious was all that existed and all that mattered.

And then the three seconds ended with the way Oikawa closed his eyes and nodded. He hung his head and rounded his shoulders, didn't flinch when Iwaizumi returned from silently stepping away to drape another kimono over him. "Please be wary of being by open windows, denka," Iwaizumi said quietly and could see Oikawa's lips twitch.

"Thank you for your concern, Iwaizumi-san," Oikawa mumbled. Nonetheless, he turned, purposely moved in a way that would have Iwaizumi's arm drape over his shoulders. His eyes were still red when they opened and looked at him, but the small lilt of his smile coaxed a stretch onto Iwaizumi's lips. He leaned in and rested his forehead to Oikawa's temple and while he didn't intend on doing so, he didn't stop the way his lips brushed against his cheek.

"Will…"

Iwaizumi paused and shook his head.

"...You'll be all right," he rephrased and Oikawa looked at him again, this time lips level and eyes half-lidded. "You will be. As your guard, I'll stay with you and protect you."

Oikawa blinked once and twice, slowly and even before they stopped walking, he'd been swaying. Iwaizumi felt more of his weight against him than earlier and reciprocated by tightening his hold around him.

"And not as my guard?" Oikawa asked softly, voice low.

Iwaizumi blinked, then tilted his head and smirked gently.

"...I'll kick your ass until you are."

For the first time that day, Oikawa smiled, even gave a quiet chuckle and nodded as he looked away.

"...All right, then. Thank you, Iwaizumi-san."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> according to my googling, 1833 seems to be the first time shooting stars were recorded, but that is wrong! oikawa actually discovered them in the 1700s.
> 
> the total chapter count was removed only because it turns out i was a fool for thinking i knew how long my own fic would be; it'll oscillate but it'll be somewhere between 18 or 20 chapters, i think. i hope.
> 
> thank you for reading!! i hope you all have a wonderful and safe holiday season and may 2021 be a better year. kudos/comments greatly appreciated ♡


	7. by waterlilies under moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa liked having secrets, but he loved sharing them with iwaizumi more.

There was one time where Oikawa had woken Iwaizumi up long before the sun even considered peering over the horizon.

He'd stayed up long past the setting sun, lost in his own thoughts and not noticing how late it had gotten until it dawned on him how dark the sky was. Oikawa had been perched carefully on his windowsill, one foot flat against the wooden paneling and other hanging out the window languidly, spine aching from resting against something certainly not meant for that purpose. His body was stiff when he finally leaned forward slowly, winced at the aches wracking a body too young for such creaky joints; Oikawa had just climbed down from the sill, both feet planted firmly and safely on his floor when he looked up and saw the first streak.

He blinked very slowly; so slowly, in fact, that when his eyes reopened, he saw another white line draw across the sky, bright and solid before speckling into oblivion.

And then he immediately ran to get Iwaizumi because Oikawa didn't know what was happening, he didn't know if this was a good sign or not. All he knew was that whether this was the end of the world or the beginning of something new, he absolutely wanted to be by Iwaizumi's side during it.

Oikawa woke up early but he also tended to go to sleep late, which meant that he probably didn't sleep as much as he was supposed to. If Iwaizumi asked, he'd always say that he slept three hours before he really did; he didn't intend on staying up for so long and it wasn't as if he was doing anything exciting, but as he grew up, as he began to understand more about his life and his purpose and his existence, anxiety and anger were harder to sleep with than childish wonderment and joy. He'd often be holding a cup of tea that had long ago gone cold while staring out the window, feel the finest silks against his skin and smooth wood to his feet, delicate porcelain in his hands and beautiful and foreign plants right below his window.

He'd then turn and look around his room, at the ornate carvings in the furniture, the exquisite vases and statues, the immaculately kept bonsai, the renowned paintings, the intricate wallpaper, the plush bedding and instantly feel nauseous. When Iwaizumi was with him in this room, it was so much easier to ignore all the ridiculous opulence, but when it was just Oikawa, a member of the imperial family, in his bedroom filled with such lush extravagance, he felt as hollow as his family's purpose did. His mind would flicker back to some of the smaller villages he'd often pass by when traveling, the straggling individuals by the road, the problems Kenma had quietly mentioned with pursed lips and a knit brow.

It made it difficult to fall asleep in a bed that was probably enough to feed an entire family for at least weeks, maybe months and even if he slept on the floor, at least he had a roof over his head.

Oikawa used to be able to fall asleep so easily, wake up excitedly in a way that only children could. And then he'd started staying up a bit later, plagued by thoughts that would ultimately leave by midnight, wake up grumpy in the way that teenagers did.

But as an adult, he'd stay up as if competing with the moon and wake as if racing with the sun. It had been like this for so long that Oikawa couldn't remember ever sleeping at a reasonable hour and yet on the day where the life he'd known ended, he fell asleep when the sun was still up in the sky and didn't regain full consciousness until it had made a full cycle. It was as if years of sleep deprivation were catching up to him and yet he still felt like the vases that held only chrysanthemums.

The rest of the day that Motohira died passed by in a blur. Oikawa remembered eating very little before shoving the tray away, climbed back into bed and pulled the covers over his head. As he drifted in and out of consciousness, he'd occasionally hear a door open and low murmurs. But when it closed again, it was always only one set of footsteps and one voice that would speak quietly to him. The hours he spent awake were filled with so much noise in his head that he'd squeeze his eyes shut, bury his face in his pillow and beg his mind to let him fall asleep again. Even when he tried to focus on the noise, he couldn't discern any rational thought; it was like sheer panic was buzzing constantly, eternally present but horribly evasive, left him no way to try and address his anxiety and his only option was to either allow it to overwhelm him or repress it.

Oikawa would sometimes feel a soft press to his shoulder when he was trembling so badly that his sheets would move with him, a soft murmur of his name just barely enough to slip under the covers and into his ear. He'd feebly stretch out his hand from under his duvet; as soon as his wrist met air, he'd feel a warm, firm grasp and only then would he stop shaking, eventually fall asleep again after the pads of his fingers found Iwaizumi's heartbeat through the delicate skin of his wrist.

More often than not, he'd wake with his hand still in Iwaizumi's.

The first week passed like this, with Oikawa spending more time in bed than out, his recollections vague and unsure if he even spent the majority of his time truly consciously awake. He realized only near the end of the week that Iwaizumi was always with him in a rare moment of clarity.

_"How are you always here whenever I'm awake?" Oikawa mumbled, pushed his covers away enough to be able to look at Iwaizumi, who sat next to his bedside with an open book in his lap. He'd moved the nightstand so that he could lean against the wall, a cushion beneath him, but with how long he'd be sitting there, Oikawa couldn't imagine that it was in any way comfortable. Oikawa frowned in concern and reached out his hand to dance his fingers along Iwaizumi's jaw. The action had Iwaizumi blush and for the first time that day, Oikawa smiled, the stinging in his eyes lessening for just a moment._

_He pushed himself up slowly, wincing at the effort. Iwaizumi immediately closed his book and set it aside; he stood to pour a cup of tea, hold it out for Oikawa and murmur that it was hot. Thanking him, Oikawa took a sip; he hadn't realized how thirsty he was until that moment and immediately took another sip. The tea scalded his tongue; he took a moment to blow away the steam, though as soon as his breath stopped, it continued to curl from the cup and disappear in a way Oikawa wished he could._

_"I've been sleeping on your chaise at night and Matsukawa's been bringing me clothes to change into," Iwaizumi admitted softly and Oikawa's head jerked to meet his gaze. Iwaizumi cleared his throat and bowed his head. "I'm sorry, I should've cleared it with you first, but I didn't want to leave you alone—"_

_"What?" he echoed. "The chaise? Iwa-chan, seriously, just sleep on my bed, you have to know I wouldn't mind—"_

_Iwaizumi glared lightly. When Oikawa finished the tea and declined another cup, Iwaizumi left it on the nightstand and took a seat on the cushion, shaking his head when Oikawa moved over on the bed and patted the empty space. Iwaizumi's cheeks were red, but Oikawa could tell it wasn't the kind of embarrassment that Oikawa could use to his advantage. He relented and moved back to where he originally was, if only because he wanted to be as close to Iwaizumi as he could._

_"I'm not risking if someone comes in without warning," Iwaizumi mumbled. "If it'll help you feel better, I can ask the maids to set up a futon—"_

_"You should've done that immediately—"_

_"I didn't mind," Iwaizumi interrupted gently. Oikawa's brow knit and he looked away, fidgeted with his fingers. He couldn't help the guilt that broke in his chest; the days passed in a blur, blended together in his mind, but through all that, he couldn't believe he hadn't even thought about Iwaizumi. He was always there when Oikawa was awake, always ready to help him if he needed something, always present for when he felt like he was going to lose himself. He devoted himself so wholly to Oikawa and Oikawa couldn't even think to make sure he had an adequate place to sleep._

_As helpless as Oikawa felt about the nation, the very least he could do was take care of Iwaizumi, and he'd even failed in that._

_His shoulders rounded as he mumbled a strained apology. He wasn't sure if Iwaizumi knew what it was for and when he heard him say that it was fine, he shook his head. "You're so good to me, Iwa-chan," he said in a small voice, stared at the dark crescent his nail left in his finger, "please know that I realize that… I never want you to think I take you for granted, whether as a guard or my friend. Thank you for always being here."_

_Iwaizumi didn't answer immediately. Oikawa had just sunk the same nail into the same mark when he felt a brush against the inside of his elbow; glancing over, he allowed Iwaizumi to coax his hand into his own. The way Oikawa watched him lean down to graze his lips over his knuckles was uninterrupted by the soft blush blooming over his cheeks and when Iwaizumi looked up at him, Oikawa couldn't help but smile._

_"I promised to stay with you forever," Iwaizumi said softly. His head tilted, smirked in such a gentle way that it seemed unfair to refer to as anything but a smile._

_"...Though, I never had any intentions of leaving."_

It came in waves; there'd be days where Oikawa felt all right, was able to eat a little and even play shogi or go with Iwaizumi. They'd take short walks in the gardens and it was the one time that Iwaizumi would actually try and get the extra guards to linger further behind them, the compromise being that they didn't stray very far from the main palace. Oikawa's mind still felt like it was filled to the brim with white noise and Iwaizumi's voice was the only sound to cut through the buzzing, though it would even take him a couple of times to finally garner Oikawa's attention.

Iwaizumi never asked, but Oikawa could see it in his eyes, _do you need anything?_ and _do you want to talk?_ the two most common questions, both with the same answer that Oikawa would convey with a quick smile and topic change. Iwaizumi would always hesitate but never fight him on it, though Oikawa had no complaints about the way he'd linger close to him.

And then there'd be days where Oikawa wouldn't get out of bed, reject all the food that was brought to him and say absolutely nothing, days where the noise was so loud that even Iwaizumi's soothing voice would irritate him and he'd snap in a way that his following apology never completely assuaged the guilt of. Iwaizumi always shook his head, claimed it was all right, and Oikawa would mumble that it wasn't, that no matter how awfully he felt, he never wanted to and never should take it out on him. He was miserable; he was terrified, he was anxious, he was drowning, he was desperate. Oikawa would do anything to stop feeling this way _except_ hurt Iwaizumi because despite the thunder of torment raining in his chest, Iwaizumi was the one silver lining that kept him from losing himself entirely.

Iwaizumi was so patient and Oikawa couldn't imagine getting through this without him. He spent all his time actively avoiding thinking about his new future and Iwaizumi's presence was both soothing because if he did want to talk to someone, it would be with Iwaizumi, and also distracting because if he wanted to focus on anything else, Iwaizumi was the strongest magnet for his thoughts.

Knocks came at his door and Iwaizumi would always answer. There'd be times it was Mizogushi or Matsukawa but, for the most part, it was various advisors trying to speak to Oikawa. Iwaizumi managed to fend most of them off, but rarely one would convince Iwaizumi to step outside and another would slip in to speak to Oikawa, an absolutely underhanded tactic that, if Oikawa were one of them, he'd also use, and so he couldn't entirely be annoyed with them.

Whether he was curled up in bed or sitting in a chair or standing by the window, he'd always dismiss them with a quick flick of his wrist, brow knit. They'd always try and speak anyway, and only when Oikawa would snap at them to leave would they acquiesce; the few that were bold enough to try again would be courted off by Iwaizumi, who would then apologize for not noticing them.

Oikawa would smile tiredly at him, shake his head.

_"You're just one person, Iwa-chan. You've already done so much more than anyone could expect of you."_

At one point, the advisors gave up and Oikawa was enjoying a morning of silence. He was out of bed today, playing a languid game of go with Iwaizumi. His movements were a bit slower than normal and Oikawa was pleased that Iwaizumi wasn't letting his mistakes slide; when he commented on this, Iwaizumi mumbled that he didn't think Oikawa would ever want him to let him win.

_"There are a lot of people who would play and let the prince win, whether or not he was in a good mood," Oikawa noted._

_Iwaizumi shrugged._

_"I'm not really playing you as the prince."_

When a knock came at the door, Oikawa nodded at Iwaizumi's silent gaze. He stood and straightened his hakama; as he did so, Oikawa walked over to the window, back towards the door to take in the fresh air. He expected it to be a short conversation; it usually took Iwaizumi just a few seconds to turn down whoever was asking for him. But when he heard the door actually open further, he looked over, knew even before he did so who it was because there was only one person Iwaizumi couldn't send away.

He immediately looked out the window again.

" _Tooru," Haruhiro said softly, already quiet footsteps coming to a halt, "we have matters to discuss—"_

_"Iwaizumi-san, ask the gardeners to trim the trees, will you? They're beginning to look a bit unruly," Oikawa said airily, kept his gaze fixated on the garden. There was a pause in the room, broken only by Iwaizumi's quiet 'of course, denka.'_

_He heard Haruhiro sigh._

_"Iwaizumi-san—"_

_"Leave him out of it," Oikawa snapped, head jerking to look at him and glaring. Haruhiro had come with his own guards; two of them were in his room and Oikawa could see the others lined up outside. They remained by the door and while Haruhiro stood in the middle of the room, Iwaizumi stood off to the side, closer to him than to Oikawa._

_Oikawa pettily didn't like that._

_"He has nothing to do with this," he continued tersely. "I don't want to talk right, especially to—"_

_"Denka."_

_Oikawa broke off at Iwaizumi's low but stern warning, coupled with a warning look that Haruhiro couldn't see. He swallowed and looked away, arms folded tightly over his chest and took a deep breath, licked his dry lips. It wasn't a particularly warm day, but the sun on his skin felt nice and Oikawa shifted, tried to capture more of it. After pressing his lips into a thin line, he exhaled, brow knit with the effort of keeping an even voice._

_"…I apologize for my tone, heika," he said quietly, "but I am not ready to discuss my future."_

_He hated how easy it was for him to slip back into speaking so politely, how it was second-nature, how he was so good at exuding this image that he didn't even have to give it a thought._

_How it felt so natural he was terrified it would become his default._

_"I understand the weight that's fallen upon my shoulders, but I need a bit more time to process everything," he continued, voice low and eyes looking at nothing in particular. "Furthermore, we have Motohira-niisama's funeral to prepare for. I request that all matters concerning my ascension and marriage wait until after that."_

_He turned to face him. Haruhiro didn't react at first; he leveled Oikawa's gaze and as the two looked at each other, Oikawa could only imagine how tense the room was for the other guards and Iwaizumi. Another retort sat at the tip of his tongue and he held it only because he saw the way Iwaizumi was still watching him, gaze never having left Oikawa this entire time._

_At last, Haruhiro exhaled through his nose and nodded._

_"Very well, Tooru. We will speak at length after the funeral."_

The week that passed between that and the funeral was simultaneously the fastest and slowest week Oikawa had ever experienced.

On most days, Oikawa would absentmindedly drink a cup or two of sake and on his worst days, he'd drink more alcohol than tea. Iwaizumi was counting; Oikawa could tell the way his eyes would follow the cups and the pauses before he'd do as Oikawa asked and ask for another bottle, but he had yet to speak up about it. Oikawa pointedly never looked at him when he was drinking because there were some things he needed so badly that he'd endure Iwaizumi's obvious disapproval, but couldn't bring himself to face him.

The day before the funeral was one of the few where he didn't have a single drop of sake, even without Iwaizumi's intervention. Oikawa wanted to pay his brother his final respects in the manner that he deserved, but as soon as they returned, he poured himself a cup and didn't look at Iwaizumi until he'd finished it in its entirety. Only after that did he begin to shed the ceremonial robes he donned, letting them fall to the floor. He looked at them with vague disgust and kicked them to the side before going behind a screen to finish changing.

When he came out, he saw Iwaizumi silently picking them up, shaking them out and draping them over his arm. Oikawa mumbled a quiet apology and Iwaizumi shook his head. _"I just don't want you to trip, denka."_

Oikawa visibly winced at the address and Iwaizumi apologized. The rest of their evening was spent in silence and it didn't take Oikawa very long to begin feeling the effect of the sake quickened with an empty stomach. He vaguely remembered washing up; by the time he'd finished, he'd gone from pleasantly numb to dizzyingly clumsy. He stumbled back from the washroom and immediately felt Iwaizumi supporting him. Iwaizumi had to be used to this by now; he was so good at it that he'd even managed to get Oikawa to drink a cup of cooled tea before helping him into bed. Oikawa remembered his last words were _leave one of the lamps_ before slipping into unconsciousness.

With how early he fell asleep, Oikawa wasn't surprised to be unable to go back to sleep when he woke up well after midnight. It was eerily quiet and as he sat up, he was sure to disturb the silence as little as possible, a soft throbbing in his head. He reached for the cold cup of tea Iwaizumi always left for him when he went to sleep after drinking, drank all of the contents in one long sip. The soft flickering of a small lamp he kept lit for Iwaizumi outlined his sleeping figure on the futon; watching his body move slowly with steady breaths, Oikawa brought his legs over the side of his bed as quietly as he could, balls of his feet testing his floorboards, soles and heels following once he was certain of their cooperation.

He couldn't quite explain why, but a sudden, impulsive thought struck him and as ridiculous as it was, it brought a serenity he thought he'd never feel again.

Standing slowly, he held his yukata around him, shivered slightly. He crossed to where a few of his kimono draped over a chair. The maids would normally hang up any clothes Oikawa hadn't had a chance to put away himself; the daily cleaning had been reduced to weekly, usually happening during his rare walks. Oikawa didn't know how Iwaizumi coordinated it so well, because he never saw them and would just come back to a clean and organized room.

Pulling on one of the warmer robes, his fingers had just brushed against the half full bottle of sake when Iwaizumi's baritone voice rang through the room. Oikawa flinched; the same hand still hovered close to the porcelain and the other grasped his kimono close as he looked over his shoulder to see Iwaizumi sitting up, one leg crooked to support an elbow as he rubbed his eyes. "What do you need…?"

"Nothing, I just couldn't sleep," Oikawa answered honestly. "Go back to sleep, Iwa-chan, I'll go back to bed-"

"If you were going back to bed, you wouldn't be reaching for the sake and wearing such a heavy kimono," Iwaizumi answered, logic surprisingly quick despite the grogginess his voice held. Oikawa's lips pursed as he watched Iwaizumi throw his covers aside and stand, slipped on one of his robes as well and took hold of the katana he kept leaning against the wall right next to where he slept. He took one of his simpler obi to tie around his waist and slip the katana through, sighing. "Let's go. I can't stop you from wherever you're planning on heading, but I can at least be with you."

Oikawa's mouth opened to protest but the glare he received immediately suggested otherwise and his frown deepened but he nodded. As soon as he took the sake bottle, though, Iwaizumi's hand came forward to take it from him; Oikawa was about to object until he saw Iwaizumi take another one of his own kimono and drape it over his arm to hide the bottle, looked up at him tiredly.

"You really want to risk people seeing the prince wandering around the palace well after midnight holding a bottle of sake?" he asked quietly and Oikawa faltered.

When he regained his composure, he glared weakly with a huff. "...Fine."

Folding an arm over his chest to keep both layers of clothing closed, Oikawa opened his door before Iwaizumi was able to hurry ahead of him, stepped over the threshold and held it open with his palm until he heard Iwaizumi's quiet _thank you_. Even though Iwaizumi was with him, Oikawa didn't deviate from his original plan; Iwaizumi likely knew what he was intending when he veered the opposite direction of the quickest way to the path to the gardens, but he didn't say anything, not even when they reached the kitchen and Oikawa immediately pulled out a larger bottle of sake.

Holding out his hand expectantly, he heard a quiet sigh but no objections as the porcelain pressed to his palm. He refilled the bottle; once liquid brimmed at the top, he brought it to his lips and took a long sip, then refilled it without meeting Iwaizumi's eyes. This time he left room, handed it back to Iwaizumi wordlessly and replaced the larger bottle in its original place.

Likewise, Iwaizumi didn't voice any complaints as Oikawa led them further from the main palace than they'd been on their walks. During the day, guards were scattered everywhere. Even though the assassins had been caught, they were investigating if they had been part of a larger group or not, and precautions were high. Because of that, Iwaizumi kept an invisible leash on him, confined him to the perimeter of the main palace and the immediate gardens, but Oikawa walked through them with no intentions of stopping, headed towards an area where there would be few, if any guards during the day.

Oikawa considered testing just how far he could go before Iwaizumi would say something, wondered what would happen if he tried to exit palace grounds. Ultimately, he decided to not push his luck; once they crossed a small bridge, he came to a stop by a pond, pavilion not too far behind them. Iwaizumi looked at him; when Oikawa gave a curt nod, Iwaizumi silently handed him the sake. As he took a smaller sip than before, Iwaizumi fanned out the kimono that had been draped over his arm, laid it down on the ground and waited for Oikawa to sit before doing so himself.

"...We haven't been here in a while," he said finally. Iwaizumi's legs crossed at the ankles, fingers together and knees held by the inside of his elbows. Oikawa sat with one knee folded, as parallel to the ground as possible while the other was propped up, foot to the ground. It was a position he'd never be caught in in public; even when it was just him and Iwaizumi in his room, he'd seldom be this casual, just on the off chance someone would walk in.

It felt good to finally be able to relax so freely.

Oikawa leaned his free hand back to support his weight. "I think the last time we were here… was three years ago, right? It's pretty far and isolated." He hovered the lip of the bottle by his mouth, hesitated before another sip.

"I suppose I only really come here when there's a lot on my mind."

Iwaizumi didn't say anything to that. Another breeze brought a shiver through Oikawa's body; he raised the sake to his lips again and this time, Iwaizumi finally rested a hand against his arm, gently coaxed the bottle away. Oikawa didn't verbally protest, though he did cast him a tired glare. "Please talk to me," Iwaizumi said softly. "I'm worried about you."

Oikawa could stand up to three of the highest ranking advisors in the nation without so much as breaking a sweat but when Iwaizumi looked at him so earnestly and honestly, he had to look away even if they both knew his resolve had already shattered.

"There's nothing to talk about," Oikawa mumbled weakly. Even though Iwaizumi's touch was gone, he kept his forearm resting against his knee, numbly moved the bottle in a circular motion and felt the liquid inside swirl. He had to commend Iwaizumi on his patience; he'd held back on voicing his concern for weeks and Oikawa guessed the reason he finally asked was the same why Oikawa felt a need to take a walk and clear his mind:

He was nearing a tipping point.

Something cracked and shifted inside of him with his next breath. It brought the risk of a wave and no matter how still he felt, the way blood rushed and his lungs inflated were creating tremors that were threatening a crest and a crash and Oikawa took a deep breath, hoped that somehow, such a large movement would offset the growing threat.

It didn't and he bit his lip, hand pressed to the ground bunching fabric beneath it to grasp tightly. "...It's over. It's decided," he said quietly without exactly intending to, brow knit and voice strained. His other hand stilled and he waited until he felt the sake inside come to a rest before inhaling. "Everything I hated, everything I was afraid of…"

Oikawa was constantly thinking about every move and every word that he spoke, needed everything to comply and maintain his perfect image. Iwaizumi was the only person who he would relax around and now, his body and mind still fell into that old habit, unable to help but spill everything he'd been afraid to make real by admitting. The only difference now was that whereas he'd usually feel more at ease after being honest with Iwaizumi, he was left feeling even more unraveled and terrified.

"You're not one to give up," Iwaizumi said lowly. Oikawa tensed; he'd been staring at the moon's rippling reflection when Iwaizumi's words froze his exhale and he turned to look at him incredulously.

"...This isn't really something I can fight, Iwa-chan."

"Forgive me for being so forward," Iwaizumi said and Oikawa frowned at the polite tone, "but you've been saying how you're afraid of losing yourself and becoming just this idea of what people think you should be. The way you're talking about… it sounds like you've accepted it. I think there's a difference between accepting your new responsibilities and… becoming them."

Oikawa's frown deepened and he looked away, stared again at the bottle he held between his fingers, followed the painted designs with his eyes. Beyond the bottle, he saw a breeze disturb the serenity of the waters. The last time he'd been here was when his mother died; he'd gotten lucky slipping out when the guards were rotating shifts and sat here for hours until one finally found him. Since then, he'd returned only a couple of times, once by himself and once with Iwaizumi, because he'd been standing guard that night. This was one of the elusive spots on palace grounds; Oikawa liked having secrets, but he loved sharing them with Iwaizumi more.

"...That's easier said than done," he answered after a pause.

"I know," Iwaizumi agreed. "But… you made me promise to stay with you forever, so you have to keep up your end of the deal too."

Oikawa's lashes fluttered and he looked over in surprise. His grip on the bottle felt precarious, like it could slip from his fingers at any moment, but Oikawa didn't care if it spilled all over him. In fact, when he was around Iwaizumi, it was rare for him to really care about anything else at all. "...And what would that be?" he asked, throat dry.

Iwaizumi's gaze relaxed. It was dark; with how far they were, this area didn't even have scattered lanterns and Oikawa could rely only on the moonlight when it wasn't obscured by passing clouds. And yet, he could so clearly see the kindness that shone prevalently in Iwaizumi's dark eyes, the way his lips curved lopsidedly and feel almost suffocated with how much adoration one expression could hold, wondered how someone like him could captivate the attention of someone like Iwaizumi.

"To remain the person I promised to stay with," Iwaizumi answered. "You're not one to give up so easily, Oikawa, no matter how bad things seem. I'll stay by your side, but… you have to exist for me to remain with. And…"

Iwaizumi paused. His gaze lingered for another moment before he looked away.

"I… don't really want to exist in a world without you."

Oikawa's eyes widened at that, unable to help the blush spreading over his cheeks. He bit his lip and instinctively looked away; by this point, if he'd ever had any reservations that his feelings were returned, Iwaizumi had subtly confirmed them in so many ways that it was undeniable. Oikawa's heart raced whenever he thought about it, wondered how in so many eons and in such a vast universe, that he was born at the exact right time and place to be with Iwaizumi.

Something about sitting in the still night with Iwaizumi left Oikawa feeling more peaceful than all their silences in the daytime had been; he felt safer out in the open right at Iwaizumi's side than he did curled up in his bed or surrounded by guards. Out here, sitting with absolutely nothing obstructing him and just feeling Iwaizumi existing with him untangled the knot in his chest more than alcohol ever had.

He was in love with someone who loved him back and even though Iwaizumi so heavily implied it over and over again, Oikawa still couldn't quite believe it.

Chewing on his bottom lip for a moment longer, he finally set the bottle of sake down, left it to the side, off of the kimono. He almost immediately felt Iwaizumi move over to lessen the small space. Oikawa shivered, less from the cold and more from knowing how much closer Iwaizumi was, but he didn't have any complaints when Iwaizumi's arm came around his shoulders, his fingers curled and rubbing his arm soothingly.

Oikawa's eyes closed, his next sigh rattling his frame. He brought his arms over his chest, fingers sandwiched between his arms and ribs and moved so that his head nestled right against the crook of Iwaizumi's neck. When he asked _what's going through your mind?_ Oikawa could feel reverberations of his chest. The way his voice carried the words was so light Oikawa thought they should have been carried away in the breeze and when he shivered again, he felt Iwaizumi's hand against his arm soothingly.

"...Everything," Oikawa admitted. He knit his brow; he made a move to shake his head, but stopped halfway and just buried his face further against Iwaizumi. "Nothing," he mumbled. "It's… it's both at the same time. I can't explain it."

Because what was lodged in the middle of his chest wasn't just misery or anxiety, or depression or panic, or even just a combination of them; it was overwhelming, but he couldn't describe what it was, he just knew it very much existed and made it hard for him to eat, breathe, sleep, or _live_. He carried this weight with him everyday and it was only feeling burning sake down in his throat into an empty stomach that he'd feel a slight release, even if temporary. It was what made it impossible for him to even consider pushing down his covers some days, but also something that would lighten enough for him to sit up on others. It came and it went, its only constant that it perched between his ribs, would be there if he breathed deeply but could be forgotten about until he couldn't.

Iwaizumi hummed. Just the sound of his voice alone sent shivers down Oikawa's spine; he curled himself up even further and bit his lip when he felt what he was pretty sure was a kiss to the top of his head and his next breath hiccupped as a result. Oikawa didn't consider himself a brave person; if he was, he thought that he would have the strength to face what terrified him more than anything. But knowing how Iwaizumi felt made him way to be someone who was deserving of all the affection and he inhaled again, swallowed thickly.

"...Onii-sama was a good person," he continued, just barely managing to keep his voice from cracking. "I can still remember when he used to play with me… and then when he was a bit older, he'd read to me before I was able to. He'd settle fights between me and Matsu and when she was to be engaged to the shogun's son, he'd help her with what to expect, calm her in a way I couldn't. Even as we grew older and more distant, if we passed each other, he'd be the first to say hello."

Oikawa paused to lick his lips, eyes opening and darkening as he focused on a particular stone just beyond the kimono's hem. If he reached his foot out, he could nudge it down the slope and into the pond, but he didn't want any part of his body to move away from Iwaizumi.

"...He would've been a good emperor and I could tell that he… truly looked forward to becoming one."

"He helped me with my training once," Iwaizumi mumbled. Oikawa blinked; he felt Iwaizumi loosen his grip as he shifted, craned his neck to be able to look at him. Iwaizumi shrugged and he leaned back on both hands, gaze cast towards the sky as Oikawa pulled back, missed being so close to him but also missed being able to look at Iwaizumi. "It was when I was still training and sometimes he or heika would watch our lessons. That day I was sparring with Mizogushi-san and nervous because it was my first time and he was also watching… he came up to me afterwards to tell me I did a good job and even gave me some advice. I don't know how he knew anything about fighting, but… he was kind."

Oikawa smiled faintly, murmured, "That sounds like him." He leaned forward and hugged his knees to his chest; after fixing his robes to cover both his feet entirely, Oikawa exhaled, half-lidded eyes focusing on the contrast of the hem of his kimono to Iwaizumi's. His closet was lined with some of the most beautiful fabrics and patterns he'd ever seen, colors so rich and vibrant. But, whether or not Iwaizumi remembered, Oikawa had one of his kimono, kept it hung in the very back and made sure there were always several others obscuring it so the maids would never find it and accidentally throw it out or take it away.

It was plainer, colors not quite as deep and patterns not as detailed, silk not as smooth, but it still had Iwaizumi's scent and was Oikawa's absolute favorite.

"He was a good person," Oikawa mumbled and then swallowed, felt uneasiness winding around his lungs. The next inhale he attempted was shuddered and he winced. "And I want to respect his death and honor his memory, but… but his death means…"

His voice trailed off and he bowed his head, resting his forehead against his knees. He dug his nails into his arms and even through the fabric, could feel memories imprint into his skin. "His death means my worst nightmare," Oikawa continued in a strained voice, arms beginning to tremble. "I don't… want to be emperor and I hate that it's not because it feels like something that should have been his, I… I don't _want_ this. I never did and because of him, I never had to think about what if, and now, without any sort of preparation, I'm just… I have to…"

Oikawa inhaled sharply; with his head bowed and arms surrounding his face, he was barely able to get enough air, leaving him lightheaded. He raised his chin and the onslaught of fresh air was almost overwhelming, the chill soothing against his flushed cheeks. Glassy eyes focused on the pond, saw moonlight bouncing off of the water, algae and lilies interrupting the almost blinding brightness. Oikawa's chest burned in a way that only sake had been able to bay; even Iwaizumi's hand on his back did little to help and Oikawa couldn't bring himself to look over, yet couldn't stop his mouth from opening again and words spilling over his lips.

"Once I'm emperor… that's it," he breathed shakily. "That's my entire life, there's no… there's no changing it. That'll be it for me because as immobilized as I feel now… once I'm the emperor, I'll feel like I'm just _frozen_. Even when I step down, I…" Oikawa trailed off again, felt himself shrinking back into his shoulders and dropping his gaze, terrified to imagine Iwaizumi's expression. "...It's an honor," he mumbled, "I'm… I'm not that ungrateful to not see that, but… but I don't _want_ this. I'll be stuck in that image, even after I step down, that's all people will ever look at me as, nothing else, just the emperor. No one will even care about _me_ , only that I'm the emperor. It's so petty and childish, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm so, so scared."

It was silent at first and when he realized the loss of Iwaizumi's hand, Oikawa barely had a moment to think the worst before he felt Iwaizumi moving closer to him. He said his name quietly, hand resting close to the nape of Oikawa's neck. When he looked over, the back of Iwaizumi's curled fingers brushed against his cheek, expression kinder than Oikawa could have hoped to be met with. A lump rose to his throat and Oikawa forgot how to breathe for a moment, suddenly overcome with absolute adoration and appreciation for the person sitting next to him, felt gratitude temporarily overshadow the unrest vortexing inside of him.

"I don't mean to imply anything, but…" Iwaizumi hesitated and frowned slightly, brow knitting in concern. "Have you considered… I mean, heika can't force you to…"

"I can't say no," Oikawa interrupted, shoulders rounding and feeling tears threatening to fall. He shook his head again, movement short and sudden and dropped his gaze. "Th-that would be so selfish, wouldn't it? To say no and let down an entire nation just because I never asked for this? So many people don't ask for the things they receive and what I'm faced with… it's something so many people look up to, it's a blessing. I feel so ungrateful, I feel so guilty—I hate this, I hate feeling like this so much, I can't breathe but I feel like I can't let anybody know."

He inhaled sharply and felt his brow crease, swallowed again and, for the first time in weeks, wished he had something in his stomach. Maybe Iwaizumi already knew he felt this way, but verbalizing it was confirming something he was afraid to tell anyone. Oikawa's worst fear was for Iwaizumi to see him differently; all his life, he'd strived to be somebody Iwaizumi would want to stay beside and to admit to one of the most loyal samurai his true feelings about the position he'd sworn his life to protect, he feared, could be what would drive him away.

Instead, Iwaizumi leaned in, used his hand to move his bangs away so that he could press a fleeting kiss to Oikawa's forehead. He stiffened at the contact and even when Iwaizumi pulled back, Oikawa kept his eyes downcast, felt his cheeks burn a brilliant red at just the brush of his lips to his forehead. His hand instinctively grasped at the lapel of Iwaizumi's robes before he was able to pull too far back and, in return, felt arm coming to a rest around his shoulders, soon surrounded again by the most comforting warmth in the world.

Iwaizumi was the most honest person Oikawa knew and when he didn't feel any tension in his body or hear any in the way he murmured his name, he finally let himself relax, felt tears brimming his lashes. As honest as he always was with Iwaizumi, there were sides of himself he was hesitant to show for fear of the answer; he'd admitted something he never thought he'd have to admit and Iwaizumi didn't seem to care, accepted him so readily.

Oikawa didn't know what kind of a life he'd lived in the past to earn someone like Iwaizumi.

"I was afraid, you know," Iwaizumi mumbled. "...I thought you were going to run away or do something dangerous. Ever since that day, I've been on edge. You didn't say anything, but the way you looked..."

Oikawa's eyes opened. He didn't move but wondered if Iwaizumi could feel the way his brow furrowed at that. His chest moved with a sigh, felt Iwaizumi lean a cheek against the top of his head. "You've been so quiet but every now and then you'd look so… angry. I couldn't place it but when I saw that you were up tonight, that was my first thought."

Oikawa pressed his lips into a thin line. Insomnia both kept him up and woke him up at night; even before any of this had happened, he'd been fairly used to it. Oikawa would normally pour himself some tea and stare out his window until he'd exhausted himself with his own thoughts or felt his body eventually just physically fatigue itself. But as soon as he woke up tonight, something had felt different; Oikawa had been in a trance so far detached from reality that he wouldn't mind being losing himself in until Iwaizumi spoke.

Because as lovely as a fantasy world could be, if Iwaizumi wasn't there, Oikawa wouldn't want to exist in it.

"I thought about it," Oikawa admitted at last. He felt Iwaizumi stiffen. "Especially tonight, before you woke up, I thought about what if I just left… I never think further than that, though. I don't know where I'd go or how I'd survive, but…"

He trailed off and exhaled deeply, shaking his head. He'd always thought that the great adventures he'd dreamt of as a child were commonplace and it was only when the desire to escape continued that he realized it was less about finding treasure or greatness and more about leaving behind the life he left. It had always been a pipe dream; Oikawa didn't even need to remind himself how impractical and impossible it would be because what kept him tethered here was more than enough.

"...I don't know," he mumbled. "I don't think I was ever serious about it, but…"

"Can you promise me one thing?" Iwaizumi interrupted softly.

Oikawa nodded. He felt Iwaizumi pull back and when their gazes met, something in his chest tightened at the way Iwaizumi looked at him, at how fleeting the touch of his hand to his jaw but burning his gaze to Oikawa's. Even the small sudden gust didn't phase him; Oikawa had always thought that Iwaizumi was good looking, with his strong jaw and his dark eyes, the faint freckles on sun-kissed skin and the rugged boyish charm. Oikawa was constantly told that he was beautiful and his immediate thought, the one that he always kept to himself, hadn't even yet admitted to Iwaizumi, was _have you seen Iwa-chan?_

"If you leave, take me with you," Iwaizumi said quietly and Oikawa's eyes widened, felt a lightness in his body that wasn't only because of the way he inhaled sharply. Iwaizumi's gaze was gentle but piercing and Oikawa felt a swell of emotion because it was ridiculous, what he'd admitted was ridiculous, the notion of running away was ridiculous, but Iwaizumi was entirely serious. "If you really want to leave, I won't stop you, but let me come with you because, Oikawa…"

He paused for a moment and then the way he relaxed into his next smile brought a lump into Oikawa's throat, made it hard for him to breathe as he watched Iwaizumi take his hand, raise it to his lips and press a gentle kiss to the cool skin.

"I'm yours," he murmured, eyes locking with his again. "And I don't mean that as I'm your guard, I mean… I'm yours, entirely so. Where you go is where I belong, if you'll allow me. You're never alone, not as long as you don't want to be. Whether or not you're the emperor, to me, you will always be Tooru, no matter what."

Oikawa's cheeks felt warm to the point of being numb, and he almost wanted to shrink back from the weight of how Iwaizumi looked at him. He shouldn't exist, Oikawa thought, someone so wonderful shouldn't exist, and yet he did and he was right at Oikawa's side. He looked at Oikawa like he was the entire world when Oikawa felt like he wanted to disappear; there would be times where he truly thought that he, as Oikawa Tooru, existed only because Iwaizumi saw him.

Even when he didn't have confidence in himself, Iwaizumi did. Even when Oikawa felt like he was disappearing, Iwaizumi always brought him back, because Iwaizumi always saw him, even when Oikawa himself didn't. As long as Iwaizumi existed and was with him, Oikawa thought, he'd be all right because Iwaizumi kept him grounded and kept him alive.

People lived in two ways, in the world and in memories and as long as Oikawa was in Iwaizumi's memory, he would exist.

He smiled so naturally in a way that only Iwaizumi had been able to inspire. Oikawa's heart still beat nauseatingly so, but he was able to take a deep breath that didn't feel like he was losing a part of himself with the next exhale. Bringing both hands to frame Iwaizumi's face, Oikawa leaned in and touched their foreheads together.

"...I won't run away," he promised softly, "even if I did, I'd need you with me, and I can't make you uproot your entire life like that. As much as I hate the prospect, I also can't let everyone down. But… thank you, Iwa-chan. It means a lot that you've said that."

His hands shook with the effort to not grab Iwaizumi and kiss him; he didn't know what exactly Iwaizumi meant by timing, but didn't want to risk it again and so forced himself to pull back. As he did so, Iwaizumi's hands came up to his wrist, took them gently and left a kiss to the delicate skin covering blue veins before lowering his them. Oikawa almost laughed at the ticklish sensation; he wanted to tease at how often Iwaizumi kissed his hands and wrist, but didn't quite trust his voice.

A frog croaked in the distance and Oikawa immediately remembered the times he and Iwaizumi would chase them, memories from both when they were kids and when they were young adults because while Oikawa could be childish, Iwaizumi was just downright competitive. He murmured, "Do you remember when I scraped my knee chasing that frog?" and Iwaizumi immediately returned with, "When you were a kid or adult?" and Oikawa laughed.

"Both."

Iwaizumi smirked and for someone who would always pout and feign annoyance at most of his smirks, Oikawa made no effort to repress the way his laugh bubbled from his chest at the familiar expression. When Iwaizumi cupped his face, Oikawa leaned into the touch; he couldn't even remember when they had gotten more physical and though it always left his heart fluttering, it felt as natural as their relationship. With Iwaizumi, almost everything felt effortlessly and even when it was something they'd never done before, they still seemed to be perfectly in sync.

Iwaizumi, Oikawa thought, had to be his soulmate and as long as Oikawa's soul existed, no matter the life, he'd always find his way back to Iwaizumi.

Oikawa turned; he pressed a kiss to the inside of Iwaizumi's palm and smiled slyly at the way his breath caught, looked over to see his cheeks blush. "I can't let Iwa-chan have all the fun," he murmured. "If Iwa-chan kisses my hand, I get to kiss his too."

"S-stupid…"

Iwaizumi glared and Oikawa bumped their shoulders together before they elapsed into a comfortable silence, gazes cast towards the pond. He could see a frog poke its head above water; Oikawa wondered if it was the same that he heard earlier as it hopped onto a lily pad. He'd always loved lotuses; he couldn't quite keep a pond in his second floor room, but loved the excuse of venturing outside to see one.

Oikawa wasn't sure how long they sat in the silence, but his fingers were numb before he realized it. Iwaizumi quietly asked if he was ready to leave and he nodded. Oikawa stood first, picked up the sake; he hesitated and then poured out the rest of the contents. He caught Iwaizumi's eyes when he glanced up and glared lightly. "Iwa-chan's not going to lecture me on being wasteful, is he?"

"Not at all," Iwaizumi answered with a soft smile. He shook out the kimono and before Oikawa could protest, he draped it over him, the side they'd been sitting on against him. Iwaizumi gently took the bottle with him as they began to walk back; it was still dark, but the sky had become a couple of shades lighter and Oikawa wondered if they should stay up for the sunrise.

They were almost back at the palace when Iwaizumi spoke again, the clicks of their sandals against the stone paths coming to a halt.

"How are you feeling?" Iwaizumi asked softly, gazing at him searchingly.

Oikawa tilted his head and smiled because _are you all right?_ and _will you be all right?_ were both questions that Oikawa would have to lie to answer, force him to remember what his future was.

His chest was still heavy, his steps still felt slugged. The noise in his brain still existed and whatever was between his ribs was still there. But it was just a little easier to breathe and it was a little easier to smile; it was a little easier to remember that this wasn't the end, that even though anxiety tried to convince him he was doomed, Iwaizumi reminded him that he wasn't.

He couldn't answer _are you all right?_ or _will you be all right?_ because Oikawa knew what he wanted to answer, but didn't want to lie to Iwaizumi.

But _how are you feeling?_ was a question he could answer honestly because it was how he felt right now in this moment, after a night of sitting with Iwaizumi by waterlilies and under moonlight on ticklish grass, walking back with him when the sun was about to break over the horizon only to fight that Oikawa's world was already brightly illuminated.

He twined his fingers with Iwaizumi's and squeezed his hand, his next words so honest and so true that Oikawa felt so absolutely himself in a way only Iwaizumi could draw out.

"...I'm feeling better."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, happy new year!! this and the last chapter were originally supposed to be combined into one but it ended up very long, which is why each of these were only one very long scene haha. thank you for reading; kudos/comments appreciated as always!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/umebomi)


	8. to spend a lifetime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he’d thought that all he wanted in life, no matter what, was for iwaizumi to be at his side, but his heart felt so heavy.

"Heika."

"Tooru."

Haruhiro's eyes flickered behind Oikawa and he followed their path, though graced Iwaizumi a small smile that Haruhiro certainly didn't. "Please leave us, Iwaizumi-san."

Iwaizumi's eyes smiled in a way his lips couldn't; bowing before quietly leaving, he pulled the doors closed behind him, worn hinges creaking with the movement. Oikawa's eyes lingered where he'd been standing before facing the front again, shoulders pulling back and rib cage expanding with a deep inhale. Haruhiro's gaze was downcast once again; he'd returned to drafting a letter, brush moving elegantly over the paper.

The silence was palpable, left Oikawa wondering if Haruhiro expected him to speak first and that realization stiffened his resolve in staying silent until addressed. Iwaizumi had once called him petty and Oikawa easily dismissed the criticism, said that it wasn't being petty if his causes were justified. Iwaizumi snapped that his causes _weren't_ justified and Oikawa, without missing a beat, asked him to direct him to whoever decided whether causes were justified and he would obtain the necessary proof.

Iwaizumi's retorts stopped after that and, looking back, Oikawa thought that perhaps it was not because of Oikawa's logic.

Ink-soaked bristles continued to dance across parchment, approached the edge perilously and Oikawa found his breath catching, wondering if their stalemate would result in Haruhiro writing onto his desk. It turns out that Oikawa was the pettier of the two; Haruhiro set the brush to a rest against the inkling stone when he'd run out of room and sighed, breaking a silence that breathing wasn't able to. Oikawa waited patiently as he folded his hands and looked up evenly, lips level. "I take it you are faring better by now."

Oikawa bit his lip to keep from frowning. Instead, he tilted his chin up and regarded him coolly. "Are you asking as the Emperor or my father? If the latter, what a cold response."

Haruhiro glared at him and Oikawa's eyes narrowed before he murmured a quiet apology, being sure to add _heika_ at the end. He had a mostly non-existent relationship with him. The few memories Oikawa retained were matter-of-fact; they existed in his mind only because of they happened, carried absolutely no emotional attachment because Haruhiro had taken the throne when Oikawa was still young. It more or less severed a relationship that hadn't been very prominent in his life in the first place and Oikawa grew up feeling like the man who had shown him paternal kindness and love was more of a dream than a reality.

He understood that the pressures of being emperor took precedence over being an attentive, present father and Haruhiro wasn't truly _bad_ when it came to being a parent. He wasn't very present in Oikawa's life, but he did note that for his and his sibling's birthdays, Haruhiro would at least make an effort to see them and bring a small gift. Oikawa appreciated the gesture more when he was younger and as he grew older, as much as he hated it, seeing his father continued to remind him of his status and their family and he was the one to start pulling away.

Haruhiro, however, hadn't attempted to bridge that distance.

Their relationship was more cordial and colder than Haruhiro's with his siblings, but Oikawa hadn't cared much. They could be pleasant when they had to be and had coexisted quietly for decades. But the disagreement over his engagement had created a chasm between them that Oikawa had no intentions to repair; he'd never leaned on his father for any kind of support anyway and having this kind of hostility wasn't leaving him with an emptiness because there wasn't anything to miss.

He wondered if Haruhiro's expectations of him were solely as an emperor of his heir or if there was any emotion of their father-son relationship behind his reasoning.

Oikawa had very strong feelings towards Haruhiro, especially as of late, but if he removed his own bias, he'd recognize that Haruhiro was being fair. He treated Oikawa as he would anyone else and, truthfully, if Oikawa wasn't as stubborn as he was, he could see his relationship with Haruhiro being similar to how Motohira's had been. He was a gentle and kind man who prioritized the nation and Throne above everything and devoted his life to respecting them.

Unfortunately, Oikawa did not hold those same views.

"I am doing better, heika. Thank you for the additional time," Oikawa said quietly, bowing his head. His heart felt like a skipping stone in his chest because as much as he didn't care for the Throne and as much as he didn't feel anything in particular for the man who was his father, Oikawa _did_ feel that same emotion that edged between fear and reverence for him. As much as he loathed the court, that was something that even he couldn't resist ingraining.

His sister had returned to the palace to attend the funeral and pay her respects, but Oikawa hadn't been in much of a mindset to speak to anyone. He only agreed to see her a few days after the midnight stroll with Iwaizumi; he'd been the one to gently bring up that she'd been asking to see him almost daily and refused to return to Edo without doing so. Oikawa had stared at him tiredly, asked if he was serious with a furrow dancing along his brow. _"Are you trying to cheer me up or something, Iwa-chan?" he grumbled, rolling over in his bed. "We're not close at all, why would she care?"_

_"The same reason your heartbreak over your brother isn't only because of the Throne passing onto you," he heard Iwaizumi said quietly._

_"…She has your heart."_

Oikawa eventually agreed to afternoon tea with her. He still hadn't regained his appetite fully, but was at least able to eat everything Iwaizumi told him he _had_ to eat; he'd become a bit more forceful again, had resorted to pinching Oikawa's nose shut to force his mouth open and shove rice in. Oikawa insisted he might choke. Iwaizumi scoffed, said he'd save him and then make him eat the rice he spat out.

She and Takeru had already been in the garden when Oikawa and Iwaizumi arrived. The same way Oikawa's steps were slower than usual, Iwaizumi lingered closer than usual. Upon seeing them, she had stood, her steps hurried towards Oikawa; he hid his surprise when she hugged him, returned the embrace lightly.

_"Matsu," Oikawa smiled. He heard a rustling and looked behind her to see six-year-old Takeru; at spotting him, his smile widened. "Takeru-kun, you're here as well?"_

_"Of course," Matsu answered. "He misses you a lot, but before you spend your entire afternoon with him, may we speak first?" Oikawa nodded and she smiled, looked over his shoulder to Iwaizumi. "Iwaizumi-san, would you please be able to watch him?"_

_Oikawa glanced over his shoulder, smirked at him. Iwaizumi was the gentlest and kindest person Oikawa knew; kids adored him and he could tell Iwaizumi loved them too, but Iwaizumi's love coexisted with an unfounded and vaguely amusing fear. He towered over them; at nearly two meters tall, Iwaizumi was more than a head over most of them and yet whenever one would so much as blubber, Oikawa could see the way his resolve crumpled and start to panic, try and figure out how to keep absolute chaos from erupting._

_Iwaizumi's eye twitched so microscopically that only Oikawa was able to spot it before he bowed. "Of course, denka," he said and turned to Takeru with a deep breath. "Takeru-sama—"_

_"Frogs?!"_

_Iwaizumi flinched. "…Yes. Would you like to catch—"_

_"Fish!"_

_Oikawa hid his laugh with a cough as Iwaizumi walked past them, hands behind his back until he was crouched next to Takeru. At Matsu's 'shall we?' he followed her to one of the small tea tables set up in the garden, two cups and a plate of wagashi already set out. Oikawa shook his head when Matsu pushed the plate towards him and she frowned. "Tooru-niisama, you're looking thinner. Are you sure? They're quite good."_

_"I haven't had much of an appetite recently, to be honest," Oikawa answered quietly, taking a sip of tea. "Iwaizumi-san tells me you've been refusing to return to Edo until we speak. Is there an urgent matter?"_

_Matsu stared at him, her lips pursed. Her chestnut hair had been done up elaborately and when she moved, the light caught the reflection of one of their mother's favorite hair pieces. Oikawa's eyes lingered on the jewels before tearing his gaze away, taking another sip of tea. The elbow of his free arm pressed to the armrest and the tips of his fingers brushed along his thigh; he found himself tracing circles absentmindedly, eyes lingering on Iwaizumi and Takeru and when Matsu spoke again, his hand froze. "Tooru-niisama, do you hate me or do you just not care about me?"_

_Oikawa blinked a few times and tore his gaze away in favor of meeting Matsu's, frowning slightly. "…Excuse me?"_

_"It's been a while since I've last seen you," Matsu said, "but even when we were kids, we never talked a lot. Our family isn't exactly close, but our brother just died. Is it so strange for me to just want to talk to my older brother?"_

_Oikawa stared at her for several more moments before breaking his gaze, taking his third sip of tea while she had yet to touch hers. When she phrased it like that, something in his chest twisted; he'd assumed that his blasé feelings towards their relationship had been reciprocated. While he'd attributed his distant relationship to Motohira because of his responsibilities and Oikawa's general feelings about the Throne, he didn't have anything of the sort to point to if asked about his relationship with Matsu._

_Motohira had always been withdrawn and serious, whereas Matsu was kind but quiet. Iwaizumi had said she had his heart and Oikawa wouldn't argue that; he remembered catching Matsu sneaking sick animals into the palace to take care of them when they were younger. Oikawa would occasionally help her and certainly never tell their parents or guards, but that was about the extent of the time they'd spend together. He also remembered that she would try and follow him around to play and, in a typical older brother fashion, he'd try and lose her._

_There were times where she'd start crying and he would feel bad and spend the afternoon with her._

_"…I'm sorry. You're right," Oikawa said with a rueful smile after another lengthy pause. He used his other hand to hold the bottom of his cup as he slated his full attention to her. "I've had a lot on my mind, but that's no excuse to not make time to see you. Thank you for being persistent."_

_Matsu smiled and focused her eyes on the plate of wagashi, fingers hovering over the three mochi she was trying to decide between. Oikawa gave a small laugh; a sudden yell garnered his attention and he looked over to see Takeru proudly holding a frog. He beamed as he showed it to Iwaizumi, who was now sitting languidly next to him; when Iwaizumi laughed and congratulated him, Oikawa felt a smile tugging on his own lips._

_"Tooru-niisama, why don't you come back to Edo with me?" he heard. Oikawa's brow knit and he cast his gaze back to Matsu, realized that two of the mochi were gone. His eye twitched—how quickly could she eat?_

_"Why?" he asked._

_"You're marrying Shimizu-sama, aren't you?" Matsu asked easily, smiling innocently. "Heika mentioned it to me. She's lovely, you'll like her. She was very kind to me when I first moved there; she can be intimidating at first, but she's so kind. She acts just like an older sister—"_

_"I'm not—"_

_Oikawa cut off and cleared his throat. "…I haven't agreed," he corrected and gave a wry smile at Matsu's stunned expression. "I have yet to meet Shimizu-san in person and I trust what you say of her, but you're mistaken about our engagement."_

_"Heika did mention that you were resistant," Matsu said with a frown. "But… Tooru-niisama, you're the crown prince now. I'd assumed that you would have accepted based on that fact alone."_

_Oikawa fell silent. His gaze fell to his tea, stared at his reflection that small ripples marred. Oikawa was incredibly aware that he was the crown prince; he was so aware and it made him nauseous whenever he'd hear someone introduce him with his new title, feel lightheaded in a way that a deep inhale didn't alleviate. The only thing to break through the sudden urge to vomit was realizing he'd go through this again when he became the emperor and instead of nausea swelling in his chest, it felt like his chest had entirely emptied out._

_He'd immediately push the thought out of his mind—he wasn't quite ready to deal with that yet and was still focused on being the crown prince._

_Matsu said what he was fairly sure everyone was thinking, what even he was thinking, what Iwaizumi had to be thinking as well. But the difference between Matsu and Iwaizumi was that Matsu saw him as her estranged, loyal older brother and Iwaizumi saw him as his reluctant, terrified, and miserable friend and so Iwaizumi wouldn't say something so obvious, trusted that he knew, whereas Matsu absolutely wouldn't exercise a tact she didn't think she needed._

_He sighed._

_"…I suppose I am."_

Matsu left the next day, Oikawa surprising her by seeing her off. She'd smiled and hugged him again—had she always been a hugger? he wasn't sure, but he supposed it was all right—and promised to try and visit again. After she was gone, Iwaizumi quietly noted that they seemed closer than he expected, and Oikawa agreed.

_"It's a good kind of surprise, though, right?" Oikawa asked and Iwaizumi smiled._

_"Yes, denka."_

A few days later, Haruhiro requested his presence and Oikawa already knew what he wanted to talk about, had no trouble keeping his expression neutral when Mizogushi told him. Iwaizumi hadn't been in the room, but the next time they saw each other, he could tell from the way Iwaizumi was watching that he knew. Whenever Iwaizumi asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about, Oikawa just laughed, murmured he'd emotionally eviscerated himself to him already, that he'd like a break before doing it again.

_Iwaizumi wasn't able to hide his expression quickly enough, and Oikawa apologized quietly. He took his hand for a moment and smiled, stood close to Iwaizumi and waited until he reluctantly met his gaze._

_"Whenever I'm ready to talk, you'll be the one I come to, Iwa-chan. You're the only one I want to talk to about matters like this."_

_A soft glow ebbed on Iwaizumi's cheeks and as he cleared his throat, murmured, "Stupid," under his breath, the curve on Oikawa's lips widened._

"I trust you have accepted that you will now be the heir to the Throne," Haruhiro said, glancing at him.

Oikawa gave a nod, eyes half-lidded and focused on nothing in particular. "Yes, heika. I would be honored to ascend the Throne."

He'd rehearsed this response over and over to himself, said it out loud a few times when pacing around his room after Iwaizumi left for the night. And yet, all that practicing still wasn't enough to mollify the way his heart plummeted as he said this because no matter how many times he thought it, no matter how many nights he spent thinking about it, it didn't change the fact that he still didn't want to and he didn't think he ever would.

Iwaizumi was right; Oikawa couldn't be forced to take the Throne. However, as badly as Oikawa didn't want to become emperor, he also knew that the Throne was an important symbol to so many people and he knew that the public generally liked him. He couldn't bear the idea of refusing the Throne and disappointing them. The way Iwaizumi's duty was to the Throne, Oikawa's was to the people; he didn't choose it, but it was his and he couldn't be so selfish as to let down an entire nation.

"Good," Haruhiro murmured. "At least this won't be an issue."

Oikawa's lips twitched tiredly and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "…And the engagement—"

"You have always done well in your lessons, Tooru," Haruhiro interrupted and Oikawa fell silent, eyes still downcast. He felt a bit lightheaded and shifted to try and ensure his balance, inhaled deeply through his nose and exhaled quietly through his mouth, but the exercise provided much less comfort than he'd hoped. "However," Haruhiro continued, "there will be much for you to catch up on. This is something your brother has been preparing for his whole life. I have absolute faith that you will be an excellent emperor, but have arranged with Takeda-sensei and Irihara-sensei to supplement you with the lessons you will need."

Oikawa nodded. "Of course, heika. I look forward to them."

"And the matters of your engagement, now that you are the crown prince…"

Oikawa fell silent, relied on his bangs to hide the way he squeezed his eyes shut. Behind his back, his fingers twisted around each other and he tried to swallow the bile he felt coming up his throat; Iwaizumi had said he'd had too little for breakfast, but right now, he felt like he'd had too much. Every part of his body was reacting to the word _engagement_ and he felt so silly, that he'd feel this way about a marriage when he'd so quietly and calmly accepted the Throne. His priorities felt out of order, he felt ungrateful, he felt foolish, he felt miniscule, and he hated himself for feeling this way, but, like Iwaizumi said:

He couldn't help the way he felt.

Licking his lips, hearing Iwaizumi's voice instantly brought a temporary serenity falling over him, the warmth of Iwaizumi's memory nestled in his chest. His shoulders relaxed and the deafening sound of his heartbeat lessened in time for Haruhiro's voice to reach his ears. "Shimizu-san will be visiting tomorrow. I expect you to spend the day with her, Tooru."

Inhaling deeply, Oikawa nodded numbly. As soon as he heard _that's all_ , he bowed and turned; his legs carried him robotically towards the door, opening it and hardly looking at Iwaizumi, who flinched to see him come out so suddenly. Oikawa turned and could hear Iwaizumi following, calling for him, but his steps quickened. He kept his head bowed and ignored the startled looks of those he passed by; at the first courtyard entrance he saw, he threw the doors open and stepped onto the deck, leaned over and just barely missed vomiting onto the wooden paneling.

Behind him, he heard Iwaizumi swear. "Shit—get us towels, please, along with some water."

"Y-yes, Iwaizumi-san!"

Oikawa grasped one of the wooden bannisters for balance, holding the other hand to his chest. He still felt nauseous, despite emptying the already little contents in his stomach; continuing to heave over the greenery, he gasped an apology when Iwaizumi came close enough. His knuckles dug into his sternum, the dull ache easily overpowered by the sharp one in his chest, silk squeezed between his fingers. "I'm fine," he managed, "don't worry—"

"Don't worry?! You just threw up over a bunch of chrysanthemums—"

Oikawa laughed. "Fitting."

Another wave of nausea overtook him; Oikawa nearly keeled over with the sheer force of the dry heave, groaning and slowly sat down. He leaned his shoulder and head against the bannister as the door slid open again, sighed slowly and steadily. The warmth of Iwaizumi's presence disappeared; Oikawa's eyes were closed, but he could tell what was happening based on sounds alone and when he felt a cool cloth press to his mouth, he wasn't surprised.

He weakly tried to push Iwaizumi away, shaking his head. "I'm _fine_ , Iwa-chan…"

"No, you're not," Iwaizumi said quietly, gently pushing Oikawa's hand down. "There's little I can do about why you're feeling this way, but… at least this I can help you with."

Oikawa sighed but said nothing else, head lolling. He waited until Iwaizumi was finished cleaning him up to open his eyes and stare at the gardens; he hadn't even realized that he'd thrown up on the chrysanthemums, which he found incredibly symbolic, but it didn't bring him as much satisfaction as he thought his pettiness would feel. He swallowed with a wince and heard Iwaizumi ask if he was sure he was going to be all right.

They both knew the answer to that.

Iwaizumi offered him some water that barely helped the sour taste that lingered in his mouth or the burning in his chest. Even when Iwaizumi briefly brushed their hands, the electricity that normally shot through his veins was dampened, left Oikawa wondering if this was how it would always be now, that behind the veil of the Throne he'd feel all of his true feelings stifled until they disappeared entirely and he was nothing more than a well-dressed puppet.

"Of course," Oikawa answered with a breathy laugh.

He gestured towards the flowers.

"This is a perfect representation of the beginning of the rest of my life, isn't it?"

* * *

"Denka."

Oikawa was still becoming accustomed to being addressed as the crown prince. He originally wouldn't even respond to it and when he was introduced as such, it would take him a moment. It was easy for him to smile it off, but he'd always feel Iwaizumi's eyes heavy on his back at his reactions. Once he'd started reflexively answering, it took everything for Oikawa to keep his expression neutral; luckily for him, he seldom had to hear his full title, and instead continued to be addressed with _denka_.

When he became emperor, though, he'd go through this again and _heika_ would be a constant, heavy reminder.

Opening his eyes, he smiled to see Iwaizumi standing in front of him. He hadn't slept much last night; Iwaizumi had asked if he wanted him to stay the night and, with absolutely no mirth in his voice, Oikawa teased that he didn't seem to be as shy as he used to. Iwaizumi had returned to sleeping in his chambers; as much as he loved spending time with him, he needed nights to himself to process what his life was very quickly becoming and, though Iwaizumi meant well, Oikawa would never be able to fully come to terms with it if Iwaizumi was there.

He was in the courtyard yet again; a few of his advisors had tried to convince him to meet with Kiyoko in a drawing room or somewhere more private, but he'd waved them off, said that unless there was a specific reason he couldn't meet with _his_ guest where _he_ wanted to, that he request for them to let him be.

He'd always loved being outside. Even if it was technically still the palace and on palace grounds, with no roof over his head and no ornate tapestries hanging on the walls, Oikawa could take a deep breath and not feel utterly stifled, surrounded by suffocating opulence.

"Iwaizumi-san. Has Shimizu-san arrived?" Oikawa asked quietly. His eyes darted behind him to see a couple of maids standing by the door and he gave a slow exhale.

"Not yet," Iwaizumi answered, holding his hands behind his back and bowing in front of him. "But she is expected shortly. She will be accompanied by her lady-in-waiting, Hitoka Yachi."

Oikawa nodded. He crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair, then unfolded his arms; both elbows pressed to the armrest, but one hand came up to his lips. He then frowned again and sat up a bit straighter, smoothed his robes; this still didn't satisfy him, and he laced his fingers together, resting his hands in his lap.

It still didn't feel right.

The only constant throughout this fidgeting was the scowl set across his lips; he glanced up to see Iwaizumi watching him with more concern than amusement. Oikawa dropped his gaze and heard Iwaizumi clear his throat. "Excuse me," he said to the maids waiting dutifully by the doors, "could you please bring some more tea? Shimizu-sama is arriving later than expected."

"Yes, of course."

Hearing the door closing, Oikawa sighed, the sound of Iwaizumi's footsteps drawing closer until his murmur overshadowed them. Oikawa bit down on his thumb, having brought his hand up to his lips again and focused his gaze on the immaculately kept trees. It was happening, he thought; he'd been fighting this all along and it seemed like an impressively lackluster resolution for his acquiescence to be because he'd been backed into a corner where his choices were to be utterly selfish and disappoint a nation of people or to accept it gracefully but still have Iwaizumi by his side.

He'd thought that all he wanted in life, no matter what, was for Iwaizumi to be at his side, but his heart felt so heavy.

"Are you all right?" Iwaizumi asked quietly.

He asked that a lot, but Oikawa couldn't fault him.

"I expect you already know that answer, Iwa-chan," Oikawa mumbled tightly. He lowered his arm for the third time in the last twenty minutes and scowled, brow knitting. He had thought about this over and over in his head, tried to reconcile his feelings with his logic, but now that he was here, about to meet Kiyoko, preparing to propose, he couldn't help but feel a whirlwind of anger behind his sternum.

Iwaizumi had helped Oikawa back to his room yesterday and he'd dismissed him for the day. Iwaizumi had seemed hesitant; he asked if he could stay, just to play shogi with him, and Oikawa had smiled gently. He'd shaken his head and stumbled to his chaise, took a seat without looking at him.

_"Iwa-chan, I hate to turn you down in the rare instances when you ask, but… I really would just like to be alone."_

"I'm supposed to ask her this afternoon," Oikawa mumbled, digging the nail of his thumb into his index finger and a deep scowl settling in his brow. "I'm supposed to _ask_ a complete _stranger_ to marry me, after having repeatedly refused the idea for _years_. I'm—" he gave a breathless laugh and shook his head. "I'm supposed to ascend the Throne, now. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I'm now the heir to a throne I don't—"

"Denka," Iwaizumi murmured easily. He said nothing else but his interruption conveyed everything and Oikawa cleared his throat; his other hand raised, index finger and thumb pinching the bridge of his nose. He ignored Iwaizumi's warning, his _someone could walk by and overhear._ Oikawa shook his head. "In the blink of an eye, everything's changed and yet nothing has. I can't breathe. I can't move. I can't do _anything_ , I'm twenty-five years old and I have absolutely no say over my own—"

" _Denka_ ," Iwaizumi warned again and Oikawa's breath caught; he understood Iwaizumi was cutting him off because even if they were alone, the walls were thin and the palace was bustling. And yet, he couldn't help but feel annoyed; Oikawa shot him a glare that was met with an impassive response.

"…You're quite professional today," Oikawa snapped weakly. Iwaizumi said nothing still and after he took a moment to rub his face, he sighed and mumbled a strained apology. "…I'm sorry. It's not your fault, I'm just…"

"I understand," he heard. A second later, he felt something warm against his hand, gently prying his thumb away from worrying the now raw spot on his index finger. "You'll injure yourself, denka," Iwaizumi murmured.

When Iwaizumi continued to hold his hand, Oikawa slated his gaze over in time to watch Iwaizumi bow slightly so that he could press a kiss to the back of Oikawa's fingers. The contact of his lips to his skin lingered as he opened his eyes, gazed at him so heavily through half-lidded eyes that for a moment, Oikawa forgot where he was and who he was; his breath felt as if it existed only where it lodged in his chest and he swallowed thickly as Iwaizumi lowered his hand, gave him a faint smile.

"You think you have no choice," Iwaizumi said in such a low voice that even the chirping birds could drown him out, "but you always do, Oikawa. It may not seem like it, but you do, and whatever you choose, I promise to be by your side and support you. Even when you can't move, I'll be with you. Even if you're immobilized, you'll never be alone. If you can't move, that's fine. Just tell me where you want to be, and I'll make sure you get there."

Iwaizumi wasn't a very romantic person by nature, but he was honest, and honesty swept Oikawa off his feet more than any cliché ever could.

Nodding thickly, Iwaizumi let go of his hand and stepped back as approaching footsteps grew louder, coming to a stop before the closed doors. Oikawa cleared his throat and nodded to Iwaizumi when he heard a knock, standing and straightening his robes.

"Please enter."

Oikawa forced a practiced, pristine smile as the doors slid open, his inhale interrupted by the sound. He was the same person, he breathed the same way, he was breathing the same air, and yet it chilled him to the core and he swore something besides oxygen had slipped into his lungs and was permeating his chest. His cheeks long ago stopped aching when he held his symmetrical smile that just barely crinkled his eyes, only enough so that his expression didn't look maniacal; Oikawa swallowed and only remembering that Iwaizumi was by his side thawed the sheen ice lining his ribs.

"Welcome, Shimizu-san. Thank you for making the journey to Kyoto."

"The honor is mine, denka," she answered and bowed deeply, Yachi following suit. Kiyoko's movements were elegant, her black hair pinned up elaborately and eyes catching the light. She was more beautiful than Oikawa had heard (and he had heard that was _extraordinarily_ beautiful); the way she moved was fluid, precisely befitting of a shogun's daughter. Behind her, Yachi seemed to be much more flustered and Oikawa couldn't help but feel a fondness, remembering that Iwaizumi used to bow so deeply he'd almost fall over. "Thank you for gracing us with your presence."

"Not at all," Oikawa shook his head and gestured to the empty seat across from him. "Please, Shimizu-san. Also, I was hoping we would be able to speak in private given the…"

He paused.

"…Personal nature of our meeting this afternoon."

Kiyoko nodded after a slight pause. She glanced over to Yachi, who audibly gasped before nodding; after one more bow to Oikawa, she turned and left through the doors with hurried steps. Oikawa glanced at Iwaizumi and smiled apologetically. "You too, Iwaizumi-san."

Iwaizumi blinked. "…Denka," he managed with a concerned frown, "there was just an assassination—"

"They caught the rebel group and you're quick on your feet, aren't you?" Oikawa asked gently. "You needn't stray too far, but I'd like complete privacy, please."

Iwaizumi seldom blurred the lines between their professional and personal relationship, but Oikawa could see that this was one of those times where Iwaizumi was battling with himself. He was even gritting his teeth and Oikawa let slip a small smirk when he finally nodded and bowed. "…I'll be just beyond the doors, denka."

His words were courteous, but his eyes were screaming _you dumbass, what are you thinking?!_

Iwaizumi turned to bow to Kiyoko before crossing the length of the garden, turned to close the doors and shoot Oikawa one last glare with Kiyoko's back to him. As soon as the panels met each other, Oikawa turned to Kiyoko and smiled, taking a seat after she did. "How was your journey, Shimizu-san?"

"It was wonderful. The scenery this time of year is lovely."

Shimizu Kiyoko was known throughout the nation and even though Oikawa still absolutely did not want to marry someone, he still considered himself lucky that she was his match. He'd never met her but rumors of the shogun's second eldest daughter spread and for once, rumors did not do her justice. She was absolutely stunning, dark hair contrasting against her fair skin, the colors and embroidery of her robes making her seem ethereal as she moved so gracefully and easily. She was said to be quiet but kind and intelligent; as the shogun's daughter, she was well versed in arts and literature, but what stood out was that she was also known to be more fluent than some of the most renowned scholars.

Oikawa still didn't want to get married, but thought that it would be an honor to marry her.

"Shimizu-san," he said, taking a sip of his tea, "I requested total privacy so that we may discuss matters that I am sure the shogun has already told you about."

Kiyoko nodded. She smoothed her robes and Oikawa took a moment to watch the way she held herself; like any of the women in the aristocracy, she held a quiet poise and grace. However, something in her aura had Oikawa wanting to smirk; without so much as a look or any deviance from a textbook example of elegance, she was able to appear confident and intimidating, something Oikawa didn't see as much from not just women, but anyone when around him.

Oikawa took another sip of his tea before setting the cup down and focused his gaze on some sunflowers growing in the garden; he'd never noticed them before, he thought, and his eyes suddenly traveled to the screen panels, where he could make out a shadow he assumed to be Iwaizumi's.

His throat grew dry, suddenly.

"…Denka?"

"I-I'm sorry," Oikawa cleared his throat and smiled. "I…"

 _Wish to ask for your hand in marriage, Shimizu-san,_ he thought in his head, a sentence he'd rehearsed over and over until even the words individually didn't make sense.

It was the last thing he thought when he went to sleep and the first thought when he woke up; he'd repeated these words in his mind so many times that it was a miracle Oikawa hadn't accidentally asked someone else to marry him. He kept saying them, thought that if he did so enough, he'd be able to disconnect them from their meaning. It was foolish, he knew, it made no sense, but so little made sense. His brother's death made no sense. Him being born into this family made no sense. His father being so intent on marriage made no sense. Nothing made sense and maybe that had been Oikawa's downfall, his need to make _sense_ of things instead of dutifully doing as he was expected.

But, Oikawa thought, if he was going to think of things that didn't make sense, he'd have to think of Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi, who was gruff but gentle, impatient but imperturbable, grumpy but benevolent. Iwaizumi, who was just one person, but Oikawa saw as more than an entire galaxy. Iwaizumi, who could have been born anywhere, anytime but was born here, now and at his side. Iwaizumi, who felt the same way—he didn't just respect him, revere him, or tolerate him, he truly, wholly felt the same way Oikawa did and it left him breathless and blushing every time to think that.

Iwaizumi, who wanted nothing but the best for him and for him to be happy.

"Denka, are you all right?"

Oikawa inhaled and apologized, flashing a brief smile. "I apologize, Shimizu-san, I… was briefly…" his voice trailed off, lingered on the shadow of Iwaizumi through the doors and shook his head again. "I apologize. As I was saying, I…"

He opened his mouth and couldn't get the next syllable to voice. He heard Kiyoko quietly ask if he was all right and he took a deep breath, told himself to relax, that they were just words and this was the rest of his life, how he'd accepted it. He opened his mouth and heard himself say:

"I have no intentions to marry you."

Oikawa was as surprised as Kiyoko looked but as soon as the words carried decibels, Oikawa found he had absolutely no thoughts to try and retract them. As he said them, a weight that had been pressing on his chest lifted; his heart still felt heavy, his lungs lead, but when he felt as if he'd been living with titanium plates on his chest, any sort of reprieve was welcome.

He breathed an apology and though his eyes were cast in her direction, they weren't focused on her; they weren't focused on anything as his own words echoed in his mind. Oikawa tried to remember the last thirty seconds, suddenly unable to trust his mind to be able to discern reality from his wild imagination. His eyes focused and based on Kiyoko's expression, Oikawa thought it safe to assume that he had actually said that.

His lips twitched and he just barely managed to keep from smiling because the last thing he wanted to do was make light of the situation or offend her. His first instinct had been to apologize and take back what he'd said; he still could, he thought, but he'd operated under the assumption that this was what he had to do for so long that now that he'd done the opposite and the world was still standing, he found that his resolve to remain unwed only fortified as a result.

Oikawa wasn't sure what he thought would happen if he continued to refuse his engagement. It had seemed like something about which he no longer had a choice; with taking the Throne, he could clearly see what would happen if he refused to be the heir, which made easy a decision that he hated to make. But marriage—if Haruhiro wanted to choose someone else to be his heir, Oikawa would be more than happy to allow him. The only immediate consequence he could think of would be Haruhiro's disappointment and Oikawa was already very familiar with that.

Iwaizumi was right; he did still have a choice.

He inhaled and cleared his throat. "I have no intentions to marry you," Oikawa repeated and offered an apologetic smile. "I have no intentions of marrying anyone, really. I'm not sure what your expectations are, but I hope this will not inconvenience you. I apologize that you had to make this journey. I…"

Oikawa paused and gave a breathless laugh, dropped his gaze and shook his head, brow knitting. "I… honestly had imagined this going differently."

Kiyoko stared at him; Oikawa tilted his head and she flinched slightly, apologized for her rudeness and he shook his head. "You're not the one who's being rude, Shimizu-san. Please feel free to say whatever is on your mind."

Kiyoko cupped her tea between her hands and Oikawa watched as she slowly brought it up for a sip, one hand supporting the bottom. She drank with such grace and such dignity as he'd expect; Iwaizumi sometimes forgot and when they were in private, he'd sometimes forego his manners entirely, which Oikawa would tease him for as he'd gulp his tea.

"Denka, I…" she paused and frowned, lips pursed and the slightest of furrows in her brow. "…I do not intend to question you, but I must admit that I am… surprised."

"Understandable," Oikawa responded. He hesitated, eyes lingered on the daifuku, wished he had a handkerchief to save it in for Iwaizumi. "The fact of the matter is that I simply do not wish to be wed. Please know that it has nothing to do with you, Shimizu-san. You are indeed more beautiful than even the rumors purported, which leads me to believe all the other praises are true as well."

"You're too kind, denka," she murmured and shook her head. The way she drummed her fingers against the ceramic was so faint it was almost unnoticeable, the way the crease in her brow was so light that for someone who was used to seeing how heavy Iwaizumi's brow would furrow, it barely seemed to be anything out of the ordinary. "…May I inquire why your resistance to marriage?" she asked softly.

Oikawa smiled. "Quite bold of you to ask, no?"

Kiyoko stiffened. "I apologize—"

"No, it's quite all right. It's the least I can offer," Oikawa laughed easily, reminded himself that not everyone took as well to his teasing as Iwaizumi did. "I cannot force you to keep what we say here today a secret, but I do request such."

"Of course, denka," she replied and Oikawa smiled. Something about her reminded him of Iwaizumi; there was no way he could glean her true character from such a short meeting because Oikawa, more than anyone, understood the façade he had to live because of how he was viewed, but Kiyoko seemed so effortlessly genuine, the way Iwaizumi did. Their demeanors were entirely different and Oikawa had a feeling that Kiyoko's true personality wasn't too far off from how she presented herself right now, unlike Iwaizumi. But she seemed wholly forthcoming; she had no hidden agenda and Oikawa valued honesty above all else.

Iwaizumi had once told him that when he'd first met him, he'd thought Oikawa was so polite that he couldn't be real. Now, though, he was so annoying he couldn't be real.

_"So what you're saying… is that I'm always unreal?"_

_Iwaizumi scowled._

_"Stop smiling. It's not a good thing."_

He could trust her, he thought, and Oikawa's judge of character had yet to lead him astray.

"…I do not see a need to marry," Oikawa murmured, eyes watching his reflection in his tea. "I understand it is customary and expected, but I do not think that sufficient enough. That is the extent of my feelings I am willing to share at the moment, I'm afraid. I suppose the expectation and importance of marriage is different for you and I hope that this does not pose any complications for you, Shimizu-san."

Kiyoko shook her head. "It will be… unexpected news to alert my father of," she said slowly, "however, please do not concern yourself with my fate, denka."

"I imagine you must have many potential suitors," Oikawa murmured. Kiyoko didn't respond, but her lack thereof was confirmation enough. He offered another gentle curve of his lips. "However, I cannot apologize enough, especially with you having made the journey. If there is anything I can do, please do not hesitate to let me know—"

"Denka," she said again and Oikawa swore he saw the ghost of a smile curl her lips, "please, you do not need to continue to apologize. I understand and thank you for your honesty. And, please rest assured, I will not mention our conversation to anyone else. I see no reason to."

Oikawa blinked a few times before relaxing into a slightly more lopsided, slightly less practiced smile that coaxed his head to tilt just the smallest bit. "…Of course. May I escort you back inside? I'm sure you would like to rest a bit more before dinner."

Kiyoko nodded. Oikawa stood first and offered her his hand; her fingers were so lithe and smooth in his, so unlike Iwaizumi's. They made their way through the garden and the moment they stepped onto the deck, the doors opened; Oikawa's lips twitched to see that Iwaizumi was the one to have opened them, reminded himself to tease about his obvious eavesdropping.

"Denka. Shimizu-sama." He bowed.

"I was going to escort Shimizu-san back to her room," Oikawa said, offered his hand again to help her step over the threshold. He looked up at Iwaizumi and his eyes twinkled; Iwaizumi seemed caught off guard and Oikawa found the way his eyes narrowed in an attempt to read him absolutely adorable. "You may accompany us if you'd like, Iwaizumi-san."

"Of course, denka."

Once Kiyoko couldn't see his expression, he glared and Oikawa shot him a quick grin.

Iwaizumi faltered behind them by several steps as they made their way through the winding hallways. Oikawa had struck up a conversation about poetry; Kiyoko was just as eloquent as he'd expected and when she mentioned the passage of a poem that he and Iwaizumi once spent an entire night arguing about, Oikawa glanced over his shoulder to smile at Iwaizumi, who continued to glower suspiciously at him.

"I must say, Shimizu-san, it would have been enjoyable to spend a lifetime discussing literature with you."

Oikawa caught Iwaizumi's eye for just a split second, but smirked knowingly before he adopted his smile again for Kiyoko. Kiyoko smiled briefly—it was her second smile of the day, Oikawa thought, and both were after he'd expressed his intention to not marry—and shook her head. "You flatter me, denka."

They rounded a corner and Oikawa blinked a few times to see another party approaching them. It took him a moment to remember their names, as he was able to easily place their faces. He nodded. "Tanaka-dono, Nishinoya-dono. Good afternoon."

They were both heirs to powerful daimyo; after Motohira's passing, Oikawa had noted an influx of lords visiting the palace. He'd heard of Kenma also being here but by the time Oikawa was feeling well enough to carry on a conversation, he'd already left. He didn't remember much from the funeral either, but with Kenma being one of the few people Oikawa genuinely liked, he did take note of him being there. Kenma had murmured his condolences; Oikawa smiled faintly, kept his eyes downcast and thanked him and that was all he remembered.

Now, though, Oikawa had to start meeting with some of them, but hadn't been told of Tanaka and Nishinoya's arrival; Oikawa assumed it was because Haruhiro wanted him to focus only on Kiyoko for the day, which, Oikawa would admit, was considerate of him. Remembering Haruhiro briefly sent a flurry of panic through his chest, but he ignored it for the time being.

"Denka," they answered in unison—had that been on purpose? Oikawa wondered—and bowed. Oikawa watched as Tanaka straightened just a smidgen earlier than he should, eyes darting at Kiyoko.

Oikawa glanced at Kiyoko, saw her third smile of the day, a warmth in her eyes that she hadn't graced him with.

Oikawa tilted his head; he jolted when he felt a harsh poke in his back and immediately knew it was Iwaizumi. He'd been holding his hands behind his back and so it was easy to swat at where Iwaizumi's hand had been. "Shimizu-san," Oikawa said and Kiyoko looked at him. "I must apologize, I've forgotten that I've somewhere to be. Perhaps Tanaka-dono could escort you to your room? I'm sure he's quite familiar with the palace."

Tanaka's eyes widened; there was another poke in his back and this time Oikawa hit Iwaizumi's hand when he swatted again. Tanaka bowed and the small smile and matching blush didn't go unnoticed by Oikawa, nor did Nishinoya's beaming expression.

"Of course, denka. Shimizu-sama?"

Kiyoko bowed again to Oikawa and he nodded with a smile, turning. "Let's go, Iwaizumi-san."

Iwaizumi said nothing, just bowed one more time to Kiyoko, Tanaka, and Nishinoya before following Oikawa back towards his chambers. They didn't say anything, but Oikawa's steps felt lighter than they had in over a month, his smile airy. He made small comments that had once been commonplace; he felt almost as he always had and wasn't disturbed by Iwaizumi's unusual silence because he knew exactly what was going through his mind. When they reached his room, Oikawa looked over to Iwaizumi with a smile. "Would you care to join me for a game of shogi, Iwaizumi-san?"

Iwaizumi bowed his head, a show for the advisors they'd passed at the corner. "Of course, denka, I would."

Oikawa waited patiently as Iwaizumi opened his door. He stepped in and fingers went to his obi, started to undo it, though he waited until the door closed to take it off, exhaling. Iwaizumi's words were immediate and yet Oikawa hardly reacted, just smiled.

"You're not marrying her?"

Oikawa glanced over his shoulder with a sly smile, eyes half-lidded. He slipped off his outer kimono and draped it over a chair, the obi left over it. "Is that a hint of excitement I detect?" he teased, pulling his sleeves up slightly before crossing his arms.

Iwaizumi stiffened. "S-sorry, I didn't—"

"I was teasing," Oikawa shook his head. He leaned against the same chair and raised one hand to rub at a tight spot in the crook of his neck. "But, no. I made it clear that I had no intention to marry her and, actually, it was for the best."

Iwaizumi looked like he had no idea how to keep up with Oikawa's sudden change in mood, and he couldn't blame him. Oikawa himself couldn't even believe how much lighter his heart felt; grief and misery were such powerful emotions that after feeling nothing but for so long, Oikawa had forgotten what it was like to be able to smile easily and to not want to retch at the thought of his future.

He'd been willing and quick to accept becoming emperor because he could clearly see the reasoning for it, understood and accepted the burden that drained just one person for the good of so many others. But marriage was still something he stubbornly held out against, now more than ever because when an entirely controlled life became even more controlled, that _one_ bit of freedom became more important than ever.

"What about the Emperor?" Iwaizumi asked quietly.

Oikawa looked at him. "Well, given that I haven't left your side ever since, it's safe to assume he doesn't know yet," he said easily.

"You're not worried about telling him?" Iwaizumi asked and ignored his remark, approaching him. "What are you going to say when he asks why?"

Oikawa hummed. "You're strangely full of questions—"

"I'm worried about you," Iwaizumi pressed and Oikawa watched his brow continue to crease. He felt bad; Iwaizumi seemed genuinely concerned, but Oikawa couldn't help but be charmed at how much he cared and how he was so obvious about showing it. It tickled his heart in the best way and the small lilt of a smile couldn't help but persist, widening only as Iwaizumi's frown deepened. "He's not going to take it well, and—"

"I'll be fine," Oikawa shook his head. "Don't worry, Iwa-chan—"

"How can you know that? He's been—"

"Do you think I should marry her, then?" Oikawa interrupted, looking at him calmly. Iwaizumi blinked and took a step back and a smile danced onto Oikawa's lips. "Is that what you think I should've done? Is that why you're reacting this way? See, you're not the only one who can fire off a barrage of questions, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi stared at him for a moment before breaking eye contact; he looked away and Oikawa watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed, hands moving to behind his back. He took a deep breath. "…No," he mumbled finally and shook his head. "…I don't think you should marry her."

"And why is that?" Oikawa asked.

"Because it wouldn't make you happy," Iwaizumi answered softly. He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment and closed his eyes. "I understand why the Emperor wants you to marry, but selfishly… I want you to be happy. I want your happiness more than anything else."

Oikawa's smile widened. "…Come here, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi stepped forward wordlessly and once he was close enough, Oikawa sighed and leaned forward, his forehead resting against his shoulder, immediately relaxed at the contact. "I was going to," he confessed softly, "this morning, I was going to go through with it because I thought that now that I'm ascending the throne… I had no choice. I'd resigned myself, and then Iwa-chan gave his speech—"

"Wait," Iwaizumi stiffened, "wait, you didn't… because of what I said—?"

"Not directly," Oikawa mumbled and felt Iwaizumi relax. "Because Iwa-chan's been very neutral about this up until a few minutes ago. I know you were purposely acting like that because you didn't want to influence my decision… and I appreciate it because if you'd said something… I trust you more than anyone and if you suggested I do something, I'd do it. But this was something I had to decide myself. You knew that, which is why you were so steadfast in saying nothing."

Iwaizumi didn't say anything, but Oikawa felt his arms come up to rest around him tenderly, one holding his shoulders and the other hand cradling the back of his head. His smile widened and he relaxed further against him, hands grasping the fabric of his robes gently. "Like Iwa-chan said, I always have a choice and I'm choosing to be as happy as I can be. In this life, where everything already feels like it's been decided for me and I spend my days pretending to care about things I don't… what I feel for you is the single most pure emotion I have. The way I feel for you isn't something that can't be marred by anything, especially not marrying someone, but…"

Oikawa hesitated and pulled back; he looked at Iwaizumi and reached his hands up to cup his face with a soft smile. "…I'd be doing you, the most honest and noble person I know, a disservice by blindly following the expectations of someone despite not wanting to and for no reason. You inspire me to be brave, Hajime. Thank you."

Iwaizumi relaxed into a smile; he brought a hand up to rest over Oikawa's, holding it gently as he turned his head to press a kiss to the base of his palm. "…I'm glad," he murmured, lips still against his skin. Oikawa's other hand lowered to rest on his neck. "That's an honor to hear."

Iwaizumi almost didn't move in time; Oikawa's hands dropped as he stepped to the side when the door opened without warning. Oikawa stood immediately and saw Iwaizumi immediately take a step back and bend at the waist. "H-heika."

"…Heika," Oikawa said evenly with a small frown. He held his hands behind his back, took a step to hide Iwaizumi under the guise of moving forward. His heart was racing a bit at Haruhiro's sudden entrance and he couldn't imagine how Iwaizumi was feeling. "Are you _spying_ on me, or are you just good at making guesses?"

"Tooru," Haruhiro's voice was calm, but Oikawa knew his father well enough to know that as soon as they were in alone, that wouldn't be the case. "I had stopped by the courtyard to meet Shimizu-san, but was informed that you two had adjourned early, which leads me to only one line of reasoning. Iwaizumi-san," he said, voice sharp and Oikawa frowned immediately. "Please leave us. _Now_."

"Y-yes, heika. Of course."

Iwaizumi didn't meet his eye as he walked past him, bowing once more to Haruhiro before leaving the room. Once the door closed, Oikawa crossed his arms and gave an easy smile. "Would you care for a recap of our conversation? Or would you like to proceed to your speech of how I'm not fulfilling my duties properly?"

" _Tooru_ ," Haruhiro said, eyes narrowed. "I had foolishly assumed that you had decided at last to become mature, but I see that unless I hear the words from your mouth, I cannot trust you to act your age—"

"Heika," Oikawa answered, "I must disagree—"

"Perhaps it is my fault for allowing you too much freedom; it has skewed your perception of your responsibilities," Haruhiro continued, voice growing louder.

"My responsibility is to ascend the Throne, which I plan on doing," Oikawa returned. "I am not obligated to be married when I take the Throne and if your concern is a successor, Takeru will be an excellent emperor one day. There have been instances in history where the Throne is not passed to a biological son of the emperor, correct?"

"Tooru, have you no respect for the Throne?" Haruhiro asked, voice raising.

Oikawa's eyes narrowed and he didn't answer.

"You will stop playing these games. You are not a child anymore. You will respect the customs and traditions of the Throne, _especially_ as the heir, do you understand me?" Haruhiro asked sharply and Oikawa clicked his tongue, looking away. Haruhiro took a deep breath and when he spoke again, his voice was quieter, though his glare was just as heavy. "I have requested for Shimizu-san to return at a later date because it is apparent and… understandable that you are still processing your brother's death."

Oikawa's eyes narrowed but when he opened his mouth, the way Haruhiro was glaring had him closing it again.

"I did not raise you to be this disrespectful—"

"Well," Oikawa mumbled, "you didn't really raise me after the age of ten, did you?"

The words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself; Oikawa didn't know what sort of a response he was expecting, but the way Haruhiro stared at him caught him off guard. He couldn't discern what his expression was saying, but as soon as it appeared, it disappeared and Haruhiro was glaring at him again.

"Take some time to think about your actions, Tooru," he said quietly. "You will one day become the emperor to this nation and you will understand that for the nation and for the people, you will have to sacrifice some personal relationships and beliefs. This is not an easy position and it requires you to put the good of the people above your own."

Haruhiro left him with one final glare before he turned and exited. Oikawa took a deep breath and stepped back until he was able to lean against the table, arms folded over his chest. There was a pause before the door opened again; this time it was Iwaizumi and Oikawa gave a tired smile, nodded when he asked if he could enter.

"Are you all right?" Iwaizumi asked with a frown. "The fact that I was able to hear some of what he said…"

"I'm fine," Oikawa said with a smile. "Please come here, Iwa-chan."

He waited until Iwa had crossed the distance of the room; hooking his finger around his obi to draw him even closer, Oikawa looked up at him with a smile. "I had expected him to react that way, so I was prepared. I didn't expect him to barge in like that, though, so I'm sorry for the fright he must have caused you."

Iwaizumi shook his head. "I'm all right."

Oikawa watched him searchingly, tongue running along the back of his teeth as his eyes narrowed. He hadn't noticed when he first entered, but now that he was this close, something was different. Iwaizumi's eyes seemed to be wavering and his face was paler; Oikawa frowned as tilted his head. "Are you all right?" he asked quietly. His eyes fell to the delicate skin on Iwaizumi's neck, could _see_ the rapid fluttering from his racing heart. "You seem tense."

"I'm fine," Iwaizumi answered softly and tried to pull away. "Would you like to play—"

"…Did he say something to you on his way out?" Oikawa interrupted, brow knitting and gently taking Iwaizumi's chin to coax eye contact from him. "What did he say? I'll—"

"I'm fine," Iwaizumi reiterated sharply. Oikawa faltered; he was so surprised that his hand fell and he could see Iwaizumi's apology flicker in his eyes before he murmured it. He pressed his lips into a thin line and took a small step back, smiling ruefully. "…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you," he said, clearing his throat. "It's just… not something that I'd like to talk about."

Oikawa watched him. He wasn't fine; he very clearly wasn't, but Iwaizumi had been so patient with him after Motohira's passing, waited until he knew that Oikawa would be ready to talk and the least he could do, he thought, was to ignore his own curiosity and respect that. He pressed his lips into a thin line, forehead creasing slightly as he contemplated the silence that balanced between them.

If he really wanted to, he could get Iwaizumi to talk; even if he weren't the prince, that was how their relationship always was. Iwaizumi yielded him so much power and Oikawa was careful to not cross it, even under the guise of thinking it was for his own good. Iwaizumi was entitled to his own secrets; the fact that Oikawa trusted him with everything didn't necessitate reciprocity. And even though Oikawa told Iwaizumi everything, sometimes he would need time to process it himself first and it wouldn't be fair to not grant Iwaizumi that same cordiality.

His hands moved until they traced the lapel of Iwaizumi's kimono, straightened the cotton gently. He danced his fingers along the patterns and when they brushed over where his heart was, Oikawa swore he felt the way it raced, bit his lip as he wondered if it was from how close they were or whatever had happened outside the door.

Another interrogation perched on the tip of his tongue, but he left it on the roof of his mouth right behind his teeth so when he looked up, he was able to smile gently, look at him like Iwaizumi hung the stars he was so perilously in love with. "All right," he said. "I'm sorry for pressing, Iwa-chan. Go, then? Or shogi? Or, if you'd rather retire to your room, of course you may do that."

He hoped Iwaizumi didn't want to; for a moment he really thought that he would and wouldn't blame him. He'd let him, but Oikawa always wanted to be by Iwaizumi, now more than ever; he felt the best he had in weeks and Iwaizumi was the only one he wanted to spend time with in this new cheerier mood. Iwaizumi's gaze had been downcast but raised at his question and for the first time since re-entering, his smile was true and unweighted, shoulders falling in relaxation as the corners of Oikawa's lips gathered higher.

"Of course not. Let's play shogi."

Oikawa's smile widened and even with everything that had happened and was happening, whenever Iwaizumi smiled, Oikawa's heart lifted.

"All right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forget every single time until i'm editing one of these chapters but i really think this might be the slowest slow burn i have ever done... i have exceeded even my own expectations this time
> 
> thank you for reading, as always! incredibly appreciate the support and patience because i promise, things eventually do properly start to happen. kudos/comments adored ♡
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/umebomi)


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